Are certain sacrifices worth it for more siblings as adult?

[ChitterChatter1987]

If you are part of a close family unit with
2 or 3 siblings, but there was not lots of money or house space growing up, would you say trade offs such as holidays in UK instead of abroad, sharing bedrooms,more split of parents attention etc were worthwhile sacrifices for having the benefit of more siblings as adults?

Also if you have 3 or 4 children now but these things apply, are the sacrifices worth it or do you or they feel that they miss out not having certain privelidges that more money can bring, or having to share their parents or other siblings with each other more?

You should go away sometimes that's what we do 🙂 Most of my cousins live in a different city so we often go there, but sometimes we have a short holiday somewhere

This is far more down to family structures and dynamics as well as age gaps I think. My mum has a friend who is one of 8 and she only sees 2 of them from one year’s end to the next.

I am one of three (2 brothers) and we are pretty close as siblings go. I talk to them both regularly (and SILs) and we meet up independently as well as at bigger family things (which are often). But my parents put a lot of emphasis onto family time, spending time together and the importance of being friends with your siblings. They also modelled it - my dad is very close to his brother (they married best friends!) and we used to travel to see my mum’s brother a couple of times a year as well as him coming up to stay.

Thats the difference I think - if you share the values that it is important to get along with family then you will get along because your prioritise it. If it is not modelled to you as important, you will probably just drift away. I find it very sad.

My DH is at risk of falling out with his brother because BIL’s partner is so awful to me and I’m over here championing that whatever the relationship between me and his gf, he reaches out to his brother and sees him alone - it’s important!

Think of it another way.

He had nobody to share the burden with, firstly that's a horrible way to talk about your parents.
Secondly even if he had siblings, they may not have helped.
Also there was nobody to argue with either.
Siblings can argue about wills etc and the best way to care for people.

Something that hasn't come up is if one of the children is disabled. Obviously if they are your first child, when you consider having further children you consider the impact, but if that child is a later child it can have a massive impact on existing children. I'm not at all suggesting that those sibling relationships can't be great, but it definitely changes things.

I’m the oldest of 5 and we rarely see each other and never call/text. In fact, the last time my brother rang me was 5 years ago when my sister died. My mum rang him as he lived closest to her and asked him to ‘ring round’. We haven’t ever fallen out or anything and still get on great (on the rare occasions we meet, which now seems to be at family funerals!) but none of us live within 100 miles of each other, and really have nothing (apart from blood) in common anymore.

Once my mum died 2 years ago (dad died 10 years ago) there really was no strong pull I don’t think (for either of us). Sad really isn’t it? I’d obviously be there if any of them needed me, and I know they would be for me. We have very different lives I guess.

This has actually made me feel quite sad to be honest. Both my parents were the same though…neither of them were close to their family. Maybe that’s why we are the same? 😢

Interesting that it seems families of 4/5 plus is when there seems to be more issues with getting on and people split off separately.
DH us one of 4 and not really very close to his siblings.He used to be close to one but now doesn't speak to that one as they became very arrogant and entitled.
I don't know many larger families well enough to know what dynamics there are but I do wonder if when it gets past two children some tend to often get on best with each other rather and equal good relationships for all are rarer.....

I had one sibling, a brother 18 months younger. My mum died when I was 23, my dad when I was 34 and my brother four years ago. I am not married and have no children (although wanted both). I would have moved more siblings, and nagged my parents for them but they didn’t give in. Now I have nobody else, no nuclear or extended family, , and nobody to share those lovely family memories with, and I’m so scared of forgetting them.

I am from a large family we had very little money and had to share rooms. I wouldn't change a thing

I’m from a large extended family (parents split, half siblings, step siblings etc) We usually did UK holidays, camping in a seaside car park and playing in the dunes is one of my best memories. Did occasionally do camping in France. Sometimes wished we could do more clubs etc but wouldn’t trade the bond with my siblings for anything.

It all depends on perspective. I am one of 2 and we were poor relatively, no extra curriculars/house deposits/ ponies here but we were close and still are now and we are a caring tight knit family despite moving away from our home town.I'd rather keep the way I was brought up that swap it for a more monied upbringing as an only. My mum grew up in poverty, 1 of 6 in a 2 bedroom house. There was a lot of dysfunction and none of them went on to have more than 2 kids ,but they all support each other through life despite their chaotic upbringing. Basically its how you bring your kids up in terms of love and values that's important.

Not having children doesnt mean you're not successful in life

Definitely worth it as I feel less alone now our parent has passed away. I would have found it even tougher if I didn’t have siblings for us to help each other through.

I am one of 4 sisters and love it. I’m in my 30’s now and my oldest sister is in her 40’s with 2 between us. We have a constant flow of chat in the family what’s app & we mostly all speak independently too. We aren’t co-dependent & all have our own lives, but see eachother regularly. I live away and probably see them more than monthly on average over the year, the others live in my hometown and see eachother more. We didn’t have a lot of money growing up but we all own our own houses, 3 of us have been to uni and we are all happy and thriving generally. That being said, we are currently debating whether to have our own 3rd or not due to the life we want to give them. I think things were different back in the 90’s in that respect though!

I am one of 3 which was probably one more than my parents could comfortably afford. We didn't go without at all, but I was always aware growing up that there wasn't much spare cash which I think has affected my attitude towards money as an adult in terms of having a scarcity mindset. One of my brothers is one of my closest friends as an adult and we spend a lot of time together. The other brother I haven't seen or spoken to since 2009, so no I wouldn't say the sacrifice of having less as a child so my parents could have a larger than average family was worth it to me.

I have 4 kids. I can't see them all being close as adults tbh. If you want that have two close together.
Going from 3-4 was a big leap. We have bought and extended a house specifically for them. It was hard work at the time ( but well within a adverage households means) but we had to find the right house which meant compromise on the village. With the col soaring unexpectedly I feel much better knowing we built in this extra security. I'd feel worried renting with a larger family right now.

I think that's important. My eldest was worried age 10 a fourth would streach us. That's a major thing at ten that I hadn't factored in.

Erm that's not what I said (or at least meant). I'm just saying I know lots of people whobend uo having to look after their adult siblings because no one else is there to do it (by success I meant having the money to pay for it)

It was how it came across, that child free people become a burden to their siblings. Parents become 'burdens' to their children by that same logic. Generally speaking I believe that families should look after one another, so i find the notion that a childfree person is viewed as a burden to be offensive. There's many of us that contribute and support our families in many ways other than reproducing.

That's not what I meant. I'm simply pointing out that I often hear people having a sibling so the child won't end up with the burden of the parent, but I've seen so many cases when the sibling ends uo being the burden. I also agree that family should stick together and look after each other, but some people do nothing to help themselves and then expect others to look after them when they need it. I've seen this first-hand many times and I feel sorry for the siblings in these cases.

How you parent will have an impact. 5 siblings, we weren’t poor but never went abroad and always had second hand clothes never the good toys at birthday/Christmas etc. I grew up with one brother who was the clear favourite of our parents and he grew into a selfish arrogant arse. I have nothing to do with him and I resent my parents for the difference in treatment. One of my sisters is my favourite person in the whole world closer than a typical sister.

I only had 3 children and one is disabled. I had to give up work to care for him and move to a smaller property when my relationship broke down. My son takes up a lot of my time. My dd doesn’t have her own space has to share a room with her two brothers and because she is so capable and well behaved and he is not by necessity she is treated differently. I worry for her relationship with her siblings. I didn’t have more children than I could afford we were struck low by disability and I don’t have a favourite I just have one who has higher needs but the result is looking the same. She deserves better and she knows it and if I only had one child she would have her own room, I’d be working and we wouldn’t be poor even in this tiny house.

it’s not about the money or the holidays. It’s about differences in the children’s experiences within the limits of poverty.

I wish for my 4 boys to have a similar bond like this too once they are all adults. Only one has reached adulthood so far so its early days🤞

I am one of 2 and sibling is complete drain on the family, hasn’t moved out aged 36. No friends. No partner. It’s made me feel really lonely as an adult and I wish my parents had more children.

Lack of money never bothered me at all but it was different times when most people had a UK holiday that I knew. I shared a room - again lots of people did. The biggest issue for me growing up was a lack of time and attention from my parents. I have no memories of doing something on my own with my mum. As adults- my siblings and I are not close and I am NC with 2.

I’m one of 3 and we rarely speak with each other as we have little in common. I’ve probably spoken to one of them once in the last 5 years and the other 2 haven’t spoken to each other for a lot longer than that.

My DS is an only child and has 2 cousins who he rarely sees although they are both adults and he is 4 so not people he’d play with.

As a result of this family structure we made an effort to ensure that DS had a lot of friends in similar situations and they have effectively become the equivalent of our family. We have met a lot of other couples in similar situations and it really does work for us all.

I really like it as it opens the door to a much wider range of people than being tied down to family all the time.

I’m one of two. My DB and I get on. We’re close but only see each other every few months despite living close by. However there’s a lot of love there and when the chips are down we have each others backs. That’s comforting. I love his family too and vice versa.

DH is an only. He had a happy, fulfilled childhood and is close to his cousins.

Together we have 1 DS. Through infertility not choice. But… we have a lovely family life. A busy home and social life with lots of friends and pets :) Extra money to do nice things. And DS loves his older cousins.

Trying our best to make a nice life with the hand we were dealt 💙

I think it completely depends on the family and the personalities of the kids.
Im one of two, we get on well but not super close. DH is one of two also but sees his sibling yearly at family gatherings if that.
I have two DC myself with a 10 year age gap and they are very close. DH also has two with a 5 year age gap and they are very close too.