Sex is badly designed

[Mitara]

Does anyone else think that sex is badly designed.

I have gone off sex. Not the act of sex itself. But the threat of physical violence makes me scared of sex.

So many men have physically or mentally tried to force me to do things that i dont want to do in sex.

The last guy i had sex with for example, he tried to choke me, then he tried to film me. I said no to filming and he said "no we must agree on filming".

Why make one gender much physically bigger than the other. Of course many men are going to intimidate, bully (and in extreme circumstances) rape women.

A recent study showed that a third of men in the study would rape women if they could get away with it.

A male acquaintance once said to me "of course men abuse women. If you are going to choose someone to abuse you are going to abuse the people that are physically weaker than you"

It just all seems so badly designed.

I just find your attitude to be totally bizarre.

There is a huge, huge problem with rape in this country.

So to say that me knowing people who have been raped is "unusual" is so strange

You're right. There is a power imbalance and it's not fair. I've been assaulted, groped, harassed and intimidated by men throughout my life, and in my experience it's commonplace. Until ingrained misogyny is acknowledged more and addressed I can't see things changing. We try to pretend things are more civilised now but women's reality says otherwise.

Size is different for humans than for other mammals. In chimps, gorillas and orangs, the male is much bigger than the female. Not in us. The average height in women is 5ft6, in men, 5ft 8.This means a woman of average height is taller than nearly half the men. Age is involved here, though. When I was 30ish, walking through Gloucester towns, I was taller than a lot of older, but not much older, men. I used to look at couples shopping in Bluewater. They weren't a strong argument for sexual dimorphism. (I was interested in the subject at the time). Yes, women were with men a little taller than themselves, usually. But a little, not a lot. Older couples tended to match heights more. And there were occasional couples where the man towered over his partner. But they stood out as odd.
It may be that being not excessively bigger than the female encourages males to behave more aggressively to establish what they believe is the correct sexual dynamic. And they are certainly stronger.

It is bad design in one respect- the intake is next to the exhaust

This thread has reminded me of an old Twitter thread where a man was fretting that sex robots sounded good but how could you sleep with one when it could potentially murder you, and various women replied “um, have you ever heard of MEN?”

Im sorry you’ve had such awful experiences, op. I don’t think most men are like this but too many are. It’s part of what has turned me quite against the idea of casual sex as a positive for women (I’m a big Louise Perry fan)- traditional norms about avoiding sex outside a committed relationship may seem too constraining but actually provided women with protection against abusive men. I’m happily married to a lovely man, thankfully, but if I’m ever single again I doubt very much I’d date again and I certainly wouldn’t make myself vulnerable in the ways I used to as a young woman.

Back when choking was niche and within the BDSM community, people who liked that sort of thing were typically very careful, and established safe words and so on. And there was a point to it, for them: the theory was that choking at the point someone was on brink of orgasm would make the orgasm more powerful. If, and this is a big IF, that was the specific sort of BDSM you were into, it would only make sense at the moment you were about to have an orgasm. It is not my thing at all, but, y'know, it had an internal logic to it and the culture in that community was generally to be very careful and respectful.

So I find it extremely offensive that it's these absolutely clueless mediocre men who do not understand that 90 seconds of tepid pounding on a Dunelm duvet cover have probably not brought the lady to the brink of an orgasm that deserves to be made more powerful by light asphyxia. If they were remotely knowledgeable about sex they wouldn't even be considering it, because it makes no fucking sense whatsoever. Yet they have the audacity to think it's the woman saying no who is somehow the prudish one.

I find your attitude to be totally bizarre too.

Your thread is titled "sex is badly designed" but then all you have done is talk about people you know (or celebrities) being raped or strangled.

That's nothing to do with sex being badly designed.

Sex is actually designed really, really well for the purposes it serves and can be hugely enjoyable, respectful and fun.

There is a problem with male sexual violence in this country, but I do think you've had quite bad luck. Every sexual partner I've had has been respectful. I have been assaulted twice in nightclubs though, both minor events compared to what other women have experienced. One was a man but (I think unusually?) once was another woman in the toilets.

I think lots of abusers choose victims that are either physically or mentally vulnerable in some way because it's about power. Children and disabled people are especially at risk for this reason (interestingly, I was speaking to a social worker friend and she said the majority of physical and emotional abuse they see towards children is committed by women. It's only sexual abuse that's most commonly committed by men. This may be anecdotal though).

Go for smaller men? "Men are bigger than women" isn't always true. My DH and I are the same height and I'm stronger than him. I've never dated big men.

It is not that rare.

1:4 women over the age of 16 experience sexual assault or rape in the UK

rapecrisis.org.uk/get-informed/statistics-sexual-violence/

Be careful: Louise Perry hasn't read the medical records documenting how often Victorian women contracted sexually-transmitted disease from their husbands. Often on the wedding-night.

No surprise perhaps, as Perry herself has spoken about how she was thrown out of medical school after failing her first-year exams, and so turned to internet influencing instead. You can have the Pill and equality, or you can have syphilitic babies. Take your pick.

All of this stuff is why so many women are now choosing to be single. I’m so glad I’m not dating. And I really hope I am raising my son to be one of the good men. (He is 17 and the signs are good so far 🤞)

I didn't say it was rare.

Every woman i know has a story

The OPs words.

Even if it is 1 in 4 then it's still highly, highly unlikely that every single woman you know has been sexually assaulted.

I don’t know where to start with this odd response. No one is advocating for a return to Victorian values or opposing equality.

It remains a fact that casual sex has more risks for women than for men, for all sorts of reasons. Pretending it doesn’t in the name of some sort of fake equality simply sells young women a dangerous lie.

I had a man road-raging at me the other day. I made a mistake and so did he- but we avoided a collision which was a good thing, I thought. I pulled over as I was shaken and the bloke took the opportunity to park up and get out of his car, approach my car and start shouting and swearing at me. He was a good 15 years older than me I reckon (and I am not a spring chicken), and he didn’t look particularly strong, but it was incredibly intimidating nonetheless as he was substantially bigger than me. I wondered afterwards whether men like that KNOW that they can intimidate women and do it very deliberately; or whether some men just don’t realise, because they would also rant and rave at another man in that situation, but don’t understand how it feels for women when men are being aggressive in our vicinity.

I did what many of us do in these situations and appeased him before getting away from him as quickly as possible.

Its your attitude of denial that i find extremely rude and offensive. When i think of all the hours i sat with my flatmate listening to her cry after she was raped.

Then you write "oh most women go through life without being sexually assualted".

No they don't. You are being flippant and dismissive.

Another poster has also pointed out to you that your posts are bizarre.

Thats scary isnt it.

Why are those men obsessed with choking? Because it gives them power over someone probably

So get into weight lifting. I can outfit most men (unless they are very into weight lifting themselves). Some martial arts could help also.

Perry advocates a reversal of the sexual revolution. This doesn't take us back to a good place. We're not in a good place now, either, but Perry pretends that "traditional marriage" (one of her stock phrases) - much like casual sex - doesn't also carry many more risks for women than for men.

Then you write "oh most women go through life without being sexually assaulted".

Well yes, they do. Because the stats are 1 in 4 women are sexually assaulted.

Therefore, 3 in 4 women are not. That is the majority. It's not "bizarre".

If I knew any women personally who had been sexually assaulted then I would say so. It's not denial to tell the truth??

Thanks for the advice. But Everyone's body is different.

I have a partially damaged disc in my back after a fall. Ive been advised not to lift heavy weights.

You also said it was unusual that i know so many women who were sexually assualted.

It was then pointed out to you that 1 in four women have reported being sexually assaulted. That is just the women who have reported it. Obviously far far more are sexually assaulted, but don't even report it.

Of all the women that i know who were sexually assaulted , only one of them reported it. The rest were too scared to.

@Mitara

nobody has ever made me do anything I wasn’t comfortable with. I did OLD 6 years ago and it was a revelation but I weeded out the misogynists and crazies beforehand and deleted the number of the only guy that was a bit more “adventurous” than my taste. Met dh and the rest is history (he’s a gentle soul who thinks I’m the adventurous one!)

honestly I went on a lot of dates (OLD is fun) and they were not all crazy sex mad and violent. Some are but doesn’t mean they are common

I’ve always thought from a hygiene point of view it’s badly designed with the bum being where it is if you know what I mean?

How did you 'weed out the crazies'

The man that choked me.
He had a very good job, his own house. Good education. I went out on dates with him four - five times over a month. I met some of his friends. All very normal.
It was only when i had sex with him after all that, i found out that he was a very scary man