Why have so many kids if you're struggling so much already?

[AmusedTaupePlayer]

Not sure where to post this, but I know someone who I'm really trying to understand. She has autism and a number of serious mental health diagnoses. She's estranged from her abusive family, can't work due to disability, and her relationship with the kids' father has ended.
She now has four children, at least one of whom is also disabled (epilepsy), and I just can’t wrap my head around it. Raising even one child is hard enough, let alone four, and with so many challenges already stacked against you — why bring children into that?
I'm not judging her as a person — I think she’s doing her best — but I keep wondering whether it's fair on the kids when you know you can’t offer stability or support, especially if you’re also navigating trauma yourself.
Is it naive of me to think people should try to get themselves into a stable place before bringing children into the mix? Am I missing something? Genuinely open to different views.

That's not really good enough though. So you use double contraception or you find something else that does work for you. You don't just let it keep happening.

For clarity, I have hypermobile EDS and ADHD.

Not having a larger family ALSO impacts all aspects of your life and you don’t actually get more benefits per person do you?

Is it perhaps that women in these situations (and it's not just autism) just don't have the ability to manage consistent contraception? So it's not that they plan to have so many kids, they just can't plan not to?

Unfortunately certain parents selfish dumb arse decision is why we have so many screwed up people in this world

It is selfish though

also why not suggest sterilisation to some of them if they have had several dc

and I don’t mean forcing them but they need to learn to take some responsibility

Or you may be being coerced or straight up raped by an abusive partner with a thing for impregnation.

I was responding to a post implying that people have large families because it will "get them" a larger council house.

And I was pointing out why they probably don't. Because larger (than three bedrooms) council houses are very rare.

Why would someone have more kids to live in a larger house there still isn’t extra space if bedrooms are being occupied by a person, I don’t understand

Why did those women choose flaky/nasty men to have kids with? if your man is bad person, why bear his kids? What about abortions?

Has anyone been on a first date and it goes a bit like this:

Her: So what 5 words describe you?
Him: Flakey, irresponsible, nasty, bad, cunt.
Her: You sound great, wanna be exclusive then?
😂

These men pretend to be decent men. They don't come with nasty cunt tattooed on their forehead!

Oh really🙄

God do I really need to explain the negative impact of having more children on your financial situation?
yes they get more as they get more child benefit.

You've had it explained to you enough times on this thread that autistic women are particularly vulnerable to abusive relationships.

You've had it explained to you enough times on this thread that women with a shitty upbringing (as we can assume that your "friend" had if she's gone NC with her parents) can have trauma, low self esteem and have had bad relationships modelled to them growing up.

What, specifically, is it that you're not getting?

And also: if such a large proportion of men weren't abusive shits, then vulnerable women wouldn't be able to get into a relationship with one, would they?

The last sentence is the main one! Far too many men are abusive meaning there are very few for a decent relationship.

I doubt there is a queue of reliable, nice men wanting to get involved.

This is a bit dense. Not everyone has access to abortions (plus the fear mongering associated) and most abusers don’t show they are abusers at first. My ex didn’t miss a single appointment during pregnancy and the first year, after that it was like a switch flipped, for example.

It’s probably a combination of trauma and poor decisions. I’ve had one child unplanned and knew in my heart I’d never have another, but I saw many other teen mothers that had 2 or 3 more for no particular reason. Hell, we see posts here of adults doing that all the time too.

50% of parents have poorer decision making skills than average so it no wonder some make bad decisions.

Of course you are judging. At least be honest about that.

You don’t need to understand someone else’s life.

Who’s getting pregnant on a first date? Or within the first year of a relationship? Most people show their colours within the first few months. Choosing to ignore red flags and be lax with contraception is a choice. Not having an abortion in the event of failed contraception is a choice. Stop infantilising women. It’s demeaning AF.

I never mentioned pregnancy. Many women are not lax with contraception there are many reasons for it failing - sickness, weight, medication, hormones, timings, metabolism etc. Not all contraception failure is down to user error or being an arsehole with it.

Also it is common for men to force women not to use it - about 50% have been coerced into it. But hey blame the woman for being abused there, right? Same old shite. Her fault as usual when forced.

Not all men show red flags until pregnancy has occurred. Even if they do, often women are trapped with abusers. Leaving can cost lives.

So as we do not know what the situation is here then why are you demeaning women? Stop infantilising women.

I never said contraception failure is due to user error. I know full well there are many other reasons it fails. A partner forcing you not to use contraception is a humongous red flag, is it not?! Stop with the excuses already. I’m willing to believe some women are genuinely trapped in abusive relationships, but many have made a series of choices that have led to a pregnancy in sub-optimal circumstances (to say the least) then make a further choice not to terminate the pregnancy.

And you still have no idea on what applies here now do you?

You also do not know if she chose to have kids because she wanted them as she has a right to do so. Just because she has a diagnosis doesn't make her a shit mum.

Stop with the excuses, just admit you'd prefer to go back to forced hysterectomies for females who didn't fit the 'perfect mother' white picket fence model.

But then it causes problems in schools etc and aspirations and poverty

plus who pays for this

unfair we must pay for this rubbish

Nope in most cases it doesn't cause problems for schools.

Aspirations? Not sure what you mean by that and why that is a problem. Kids can have lots of aspirations or lack aspirations and their family make up at birth doesn't mean they will lack any or have lots.

The same as who pays for most kids in the UK but you have no issue with. Who pays for kids of those who work full time yet they attend free breakfast clubs and free clubs after school? Is it ok for parents to make teachers work for free and pay for their childcare to care for other kids who are not theirs?