Why have so many kids if you're struggling so much already?

[AmusedTaupePlayer]

Not sure where to post this, but I know someone who I'm really trying to understand. She has autism and a number of serious mental health diagnoses. She's estranged from her abusive family, can't work due to disability, and her relationship with the kids' father has ended.
She now has four children, at least one of whom is also disabled (epilepsy), and I just can’t wrap my head around it. Raising even one child is hard enough, let alone four, and with so many challenges already stacked against you — why bring children into that?
I'm not judging her as a person — I think she’s doing her best — but I keep wondering whether it's fair on the kids when you know you can’t offer stability or support, especially if you’re also navigating trauma yourself.
Is it naive of me to think people should try to get themselves into a stable place before bringing children into the mix? Am I missing something? Genuinely open to different views.

Agreed. The threads are FULL of posters saying 'omg hun every baby is a blessing, you'll cope'.

Anyone merely suggesting that she considers her options is shot down.

Not saying this applies to her BUT some women just want kids no matter what their circumstances. It’s more about being a mother (the label) than parenting. I’ve known women who when they were younger would be the most judgmental about anyone not doing things the ‘proper way’ - the first to gossip about divorces or children outside of marriage. These exact women were the ones who ended up getting divorces and then having children with men they just met, dragging their kids from living with one new man then another. Basically, once push came to shove, they wanted to procreate multiple times regardless of their personal circumstances or the impact on current children. Some women do go especially bonkers about this in their 30s (tick tock and all that).

Yes the wide eyed " I don't understand " statements these thread starters have is disingenuous.

But I suffer from mental problems too and I choose not to have kids atm.

Oh my goodness! Prepare for the onslaught. If you dare to acknowledge that you can have MH conditions and still make responsible decisions then it will literally blow some posters minds.

Not if you've got compassion & a few brain cells.

My kid has autism and goes to mainstream school, why does every kid with autism not go to mainstream school?

Do you think that everyone with mental health issues or disabilities are effected the same way? My relative works in a forensic mental health hospital, the other week someone managed to set the themselves on fire. Why did they do that and you didn't?

Sorry, what has this got to do with other women making different choices?

👍🏻

Yep!!

Well you are judging her so may as well own that part.

You also answered your own question: she comes from an abusive family and has mental health challenges. At what point do you think in this environment she was given the tools she needed to make choices that didn't make her even more vulnerable?

Is this person you know a friend of yours? If so what support do you offer her?

Who are the men having unprotected sex sex with a woman who isn't making good decisions and can't cope?

So basically you don’t think anyone should have more than two or three children?
Nothing to do with any of the other issues this woman has, just big families are bad.

Don't be ridiculous.

@AmusedTaupePlayer everyone's MH issues affect them differently. She is not you.

I might be able to shed some light on this.

I am 42 now but struggled at school and left with nothing and had my first baby at 16 who was autistic and I seriously struggled having autism adhd and learning difficulties myself but only diagnosed recently.

I did get a council house but that’s not why I got pregnant, I was just young and impulsive.

My parents didn’t understand learning difficulties or ND and refused to use a label they deemed an excuse for not trying hard enough.
I had to get my own diagnosis as an adult because when the school suggested there were issues my parents were too embarrassed to accept any support for me and insisted I just try harder.
Once my child started school I tried many jobs but I couldn’t manage, I couldn’t learn the job as I’m a slow learner and I ended up losing every job because of this.

I then met my husband who seemed to understand me and had another baby and I loved being a mum because it gave me a purpose in a world I couldn’t function in.

I tried more fields of work always with the same struggles add on top the workplace bullying as people can’t tolerate anyone who lacks intelligence.

I continued to have 4 children and that’s all I’ve done in life.
My youngest is 1.
You could say I opted out of life because it was too hard and I couldn’t cope with the demands of being independent so I stayed at home and brought up my children which made my life worth living and as someone socially awkward with crippling anxiety my children are the only people I ever knew in the world as I’ve never had a friend.
Apart from my first born, all my children are my husbands.
It might not be what you want to hear but it’s the truth for some people life is just something you have to get through anyway you can.
I don’t qualify for disability you’ll all be glad to hear so for me it was the only way I could get through because for me the only thing that gets me through is knowing I won’t be here forever and every day that goes by is another day gone.
I’m lucky I have a supportive husband who cares for me but some don’t even have that.

I find posts like this really worrying. It is almost justification for passing on intergenerational trauma. No doubt the mother suffered a difficult childhood that has exacerbated all her issues and now she is having more and more children that will be at risk of doing the same. At some point it has to stop. At some point someone has to take responsibility and attempt to break the cycle. We can't just accept that people are simply passive actors in their life.

Well when I asked for a tubal ligation when I was pregnant and in my early 30s (wanted to be one and done for years), I was refused it and my dh had to be the one to get the vasectomy. He got it when I was 6 months pregnant

I own a 2 bed flat in London and childcare is 2k per month. I had 9 years of unprotected sex and only fell pregnant at 32. But apparently something would change in time for me to have mythical multiple children so I should keep my tubes intact just for the tiny chance my life could accommodate additional children

If you look at yourself, when you're struggling long term, not feeling great, do you always make the right decisions? Not likely. Could be this
Could be, they like chaos, that's what they are used to.
Could be they loke being pregnant as then they feel special. They get attention from agencies

I also know someone like this. Five kids, littlest weeks old. Left eldest’s dad for another man who she keeps leaving and returning to, taking kids in and out of school as he lives overseas. Every time she leaves him she returns again a few months later and has another baby. All kids massively traumatised and AdHD/autism diagnosis (though imo it’s all trauma). Just announced she is sending eldest to live with relatives in third world country as she ‘can’t cope with five’ and wants to return to abusive dad of the other four because ‘it’s too hard on my own.’ Benefits reliant and complete messing up all the children’s lives not to mention their relationships with their dads, extended family and so on. A selfish person who can only factor in her own needs. Unfortunately also very charming so no one will tell her straight she is doing a terrible job and has to get a grip!

I think it's an inherently risky and selfish thing to do. Do you disagree? Do you think that a woman who has eight children is intrinsically more vulnerable than one that has two? Nobody can see into the future and none of us know when or if tragedy will strike. The more dependents we have, the harder it is to meet all their needs and wants at the best of times. Add in something going wrong and it can pretty quickly turn into a horrific situation with lots of small children involved.

This

You're not her.

Why waste your mental energy judging others?

Neither is she you. You have no idea if her MH conditions are the reason she is making poor decisions. Lots of people without MH conditions make bad decisions everyday.

You can analyse it all you like, but our basic biological imperative is to procreate. No getting away from it.

This is ridiculous.

The judgement some people exhibit towards humans making any personal choices is wild.