Why is my 22-year-old apprentice colleague so helpful to me when he clearly dislikes people like me?

[AmusedTaupePlayer]

Hi Mumsnet,
I’ve just started a new job and I’m a disabled, non-white queer woman. One of my colleagues—a 22-year-old male apprentice—has taken to going out of his way to help me with tasks and paperwork. On the face of it, that seems kind, but he’s also been openly very vocal about his support for Trump, Reform UK, Andrew Tate and Tristan Tate. He’s told me he “doesn’t care” about refugees, women, disabled people or queers.
I’m baffled. Why would someone who clearly holds such contemptuous views towards my identity go out of their way to support me at work? Is he genuinely separating his personal beliefs from his professional conduct? Is this a sign that he actually respects me more than I think, or is he just playing a strange game?
Has anyone else experienced this kind of behaviour? Any ideas what might be going on in his head, or how I should handle this relationship? Thanks in advance.

He likes you on a personal level and doesn’t understand how his views in general might affect you.

I think it's actually simpler than that - he's an ignorant fuck and thinks that those things are what define a person, but when faced with them in a person I.e. you, he is actually fine about it because (shock horror) you're just a person. He sounds incredibly immature and I'd hope he looks back on his views with shame very soon.

he graduated first class out of ucl with a degree in maths.. i am sure he understands

He thinks, as an apprentice, it looks good to be nice to you?

But his true feelings are those he has told you about?

Because "disliking identities" in the abstract doesn't mean disliking people who have those identities. I suppose that's because we are all more than just one thing in real life. Perhaps he is too young to have enough real-life experience on which to base his opinions, and instead has formed them online, where everything is a heightened, shoutier version of reality.

It’s his job to support you at work. Most people can manage to put their personal opinions aside in the office. If they cant, they don’t belong there.

Then why tell me all those things abt disliking women and supporting trump... if his job is to be professional and support me

We all know that academic achievements, or even brilliance, does not necessarily equal social awareness or emotional maturity! His views sound very offensive, I’m sorry you have to work with someone like that.

🍿

Birds of a feather👀

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/_chat/5360397-how-do-people-with-right-wing-views-still-have-loads-of-friends

Hopefully he learns carrying hatred for others achieves absolutely nothing.
He needs to grow up.

I'm gender critical and have a transwoman colleague who I get on well with and like a lot; it has made me really think about my views. I'd assume he likes you as a person and maybe (hopefully) just knowing you may make him reflect on his opinions.

Not that I condone or agree with his views, but there's a difference between "don't care about" and actively disliking/wanting harm to come to someone. He can be apathetic to the plights of disadvantaged minorities, women etc and have no interest in seeking to address these, while still believing that someone with those characteristics is a nice enough person and work alongside them/make small talk/even consider them acquaintances/friends.

Not all misogynists are single incels, for example. It doesn't make them good people/partners but it doesn't stop them believing they are in love with a woman, they just don't have an interest in leveling then playing field

He likes you and hasn’t thought of you flitting into what he’s “against” otherwise why would he share his views about who he supports? Lots of people are like this eg, very against people on benefits but think their sister who claims benefits doesn’t count for some random reason

I think some people just follow what they see online and what they think they should agree with. They regurgitate shit they hear online without even realising that they are talking about a group of individuals and that they do actually care about individual people. It's like they've been brainwashed but still have a heart that hasn't been completely turned from the radicalisation yet. There have been a number of people who have been radicalised but then the reality hits that these are real people they have been led to believe they should hate and they can be de-radicalised.

He cares about his own career and doing what is required to get ahead.

You should do the same. Set your politics aside and do what is required to build a strong career.

IQ is nothing to do with emotional intelligence and empathy.

I would be very wary as I'd wonder if he was setting me up to fail. I would keep a note in private of comments he's made about his views. Has he ever had a girlfriend? I wonder whether he's someone who has found it difficult to get a girlfriend or maybe he's questioned his own sexuality or had it questioned by others.

I think the recent expansion of the word “hatred”
to cover any and all disagreement or opposition is actually really unhelpful. As a GC woman I don’t accept being told I “hate” trans people (I don’t, at all); similarly, it’s very unlikely this guy “hates” the OP, or people who share characteristics with her. He thinks society should be run in a particular way, and - like many political zealots - probably doesn’t see how those policies affect actual living, breathing people on the ground. There’s a cognitive dissonance there, but that’s not hatred, or wishing people dead, or any of the other things that it often gets conflated with these days.

This has been going on for as long as I've been alive. Even the most racist of people will be fine with Mohammed who runs the corner shop 'he's one of the good ones'

In the recent immigration riots in Ballymena a couple of weeks ago, rioters were shocked when fellow rioters attacked their foreign neighbours, and they rushed to protect them.

People simply don't see the disconnect between their racist beliefs and their interactions with people they know.

Because he wants to keep hos
job and getting paid

@saraclara exactly

i have a boss like this, rants about immigration but also really nice to anyone regardless of where they are from… he just helped another colleague with her visa renewal as well

He's absolutely entitled to support Trump, and Reform and to hold right wing views. And to talk about it.
He's also entitled to not care about, disability, being queer and whatever else he doesn't care about. Obviously he is expected to obey the law with regard to those groups, but he doesn't have to give them his energy.
I care passionately about learning disabled people, prison reform, the welfare of cats and hiv treatment in sub-saharan Africa.
I care somewhat about women's rights, public libraries, and defibrillators in public places.
I don't do anything at all towards improving the conditions in slaughter houses, mens mental health, or homelessness in ex-servicemen. They are all worthwhile causes, but evidenced by my lack of action, I don't really care. We are not obliged to care about the same things. At least he's honest.

Maybe he's anti-immigration because of the economic impact?

stick together.😂

Did you announce all of your beliefs to him when you met him. Perhaps he doesn’t know and just likes you for you being you.