Why is my 22-year-old apprentice colleague so helpful to me when he clearly dislikes people like me?

[AmusedTaupePlayer]

Hi Mumsnet,
I’ve just started a new job and I’m a disabled, non-white queer woman. One of my colleagues—a 22-year-old male apprentice—has taken to going out of his way to help me with tasks and paperwork. On the face of it, that seems kind, but he’s also been openly very vocal about his support for Trump, Reform UK, Andrew Tate and Tristan Tate. He’s told me he “doesn’t care” about refugees, women, disabled people or queers.
I’m baffled. Why would someone who clearly holds such contemptuous views towards my identity go out of their way to support me at work? Is he genuinely separating his personal beliefs from his professional conduct? Is this a sign that he actually respects me more than I think, or is he just playing a strange game?
Has anyone else experienced this kind of behaviour? Any ideas what might be going on in his head, or how I should handle this relationship? Thanks in advance.

You have described an ambitious overachiever. The apprenticeship is essentially his next academic assignment. He always does well with coursework and is simply doing what he believes a good apprentice should do to progress/succeed.

then why express those unpleasant views that he must know would unnerve me

Some people are crass. Thats life.

And their TRA views might harm me and make my life harder. I still expect any trans person to treat me with dignity and respect online and in the street. I don’t deserve to be treated as less than because I have a different world view to them.

See also, anti vaxxers. May be harmful to me. Still deserve to be treated with dignity and respect.

How the hell do you know his father's job & opinion on Brexit, and that his mum keeps banging on about Britishness?
Are you stalking his social media?
This obsession with your young male apprentice isn't healthy

Sorry. Have to disagree about anti-vaxxers. They do not deserve respect because they are plain wrong.

And sorry, what is the relevance that his father is a Brexit supporting policeman?

Supporting Brexit doesn’t say anything about a persons character.

Just because you’re a non white, queer, disabled woman doesn’t mean you can’t be a bigot. And your attitude here suggests that you might be straying into that territory…

Because he’s not you and has his own views.

A degree in maths doesn’t necessarily translate to understanding relationships, politics, negotiating real life.

So how would you treat an anti vaxxer? Ignore them? Spit at them? Kick them as you walked past?

I agree they they’re wrong. But I also think Muslims are wrong (as there is no God of any type). Being wrong doesn’t deny you the right to be respected.

If you take the attitude that people are genuinely trying to live life the way they think is best for themselves and society, you might find more grace for people. Anti vaxxers are mostly scared, misinformed people - not malicious murderers.

he told me all of this

Well there’s certainly a lot of tropes packed into this one aren’t there?! Almost like it’s a sitcom or other completely fictional setting.

I am perfectly graceful. Of course I wouldn’t behave like that because they deserve human dignity. What they do not deserve is my respect because anti-vaxxer misinformation has caused real harm to many people, notable children who were harmed by Andrew Wakefield.

Well this thread jumped the shark didn’t it?

I don’t respect religions either (any, not just Islam, not sure why you singled that one out?) because like you I am an atheist. Religious people still deserve to be treated with dignity, though.

This is the second thread you've started about him in as many days. It's weird and unprofessional, I'd love to see what this situation looks like through the eyes of your other colleagues.

I think we’re agreeing then, you don’t need to respect their views to respect them as a person. You can think someone has harmful views, and provided they are not intentionally malicious, you can reasonably treat them with dignity and respect.

In the same way the OP obviously disagrees with her apprentice’s view, it’s still perfectly possible to effectively work alongside with them while disagreeing with their views. It would be different if the apprentice was using racial and ableist slurs every day.

Also, some people hold very valid anti vaccine views. A family member has suffered a vaccine injury. Their close family now refuses all vaccines, I totally understand their position. They are slightly bemused that I am still pro vaccine but it doesn’t affect our relationship.

It's like a bloody checklist, if it's actually real.

Isn't it like Farage saying he can't hate on Muslims because his chairman is one?

Maybe he has been told to try and indoctrinate people with the kind of difference that Reform despise. That way it will give it more credibility. 'Oh look, a gay disabled reform supporter. They must be more progressive than we though...'

Or maybe he just likes you and might realise his views are abhorrent once he is friendly with someone who has a different outlook?

I picked a random large religion to pick out, you could also substitute Hindu, Jewish or Christian and my point stands.

But like I said in my last post, I think we’re saying the same thing!

I used to work in an office of anti-vaxxers (nurses, worryingly). I was still polite and professional and got on with a lot of them on a friendly level. I still disagreed with their views and they disagreed with mine. I also think all religions are wrong, but I get on with religious people and sometimes go to churches and treat them respectfully of course. I don't think it's immature to have a different viewpoint to someone but treat them well as a person. That's a good way to live your life, especially at work. Isn't he just being professional?

I wouldn't extrapolate from his views that he dislikes you in any way. It's possible that his views are closer to "I don't care what sexuality people are," than "I dislike people who aren't straight."

University and the internet can push people into camps they wouldn't otherwise be in. The social justice movement is very "for us or against us," alienating a lot of nice people who just see people as humans. I don't believe in God, but I don't hate people who do - the current climate doesn't allow that kind of nuance when it comes to identity.

I'm not saying he's definitely a nice person, just that he could be evolving. He sounds like he's always lived in the extremes (parents one, university the other). I think you should talk back calmly and nicely when he tells you these things, just a short statement like "you realise in America that I'd be struggling not to be discriminatred against," and leave him to think.

There seem to be a few similar checklist threads

Anyone else picking up strong vibes of the annoying “but what do you meeeeean?!” poster who used to regularly pop up with similarly obtuse nonsense a year or so back? She was equally frustrating to engage with and may even have ended up being banned.

Isn’t it because he’s been handed his opinions by the cult he’s joined and is mindlessly repeating the thought terminating cliches they have taught him without actually thinking the issues through?

Even the smallest amount of thought about these subjects in his own mind would cause him to realise very quickly that it’s inappropriate to say these things to you at all, let alone in a work setting.