Why is my 22-year-old apprentice colleague so helpful to me when he clearly dislikes people like me?

[AmusedTaupePlayer]

Hi Mumsnet,
I’ve just started a new job and I’m a disabled, non-white queer woman. One of my colleagues—a 22-year-old male apprentice—has taken to going out of his way to help me with tasks and paperwork. On the face of it, that seems kind, but he’s also been openly very vocal about his support for Trump, Reform UK, Andrew Tate and Tristan Tate. He’s told me he “doesn’t care” about refugees, women, disabled people or queers.
I’m baffled. Why would someone who clearly holds such contemptuous views towards my identity go out of their way to support me at work? Is he genuinely separating his personal beliefs from his professional conduct? Is this a sign that he actually respects me more than I think, or is he just playing a strange game?
Has anyone else experienced this kind of behaviour? Any ideas what might be going on in his head, or how I should handle this relationship? Thanks in advance.

Thee could be all kinds of reasons. But it seems to me that you have an underlying idea that people who disagree with you politically means they don't like people like you.

It seems to be a very common idea that some progressives have that "conservative" people actually hate anyone that is poor, non-white, gay, poor, etc. But that's usually not the case at all - in many cases conservative people spend more time and personal money supporting, for example, poor and needy people than those who identify as political progressives.

For example, the church down the road from me has many parishioners who would tend to see themselves as conservatives. They aren't particularly keen on a lot of progressive political policy ideas. But - they run a weekly soup kitchen that accepts anyone who comes, because they feel everyone needs to eat. They run a very extensive, free youth programming that involves after school activities, music lessons, summer wilderness excursions, and so on, to poor families in the neighbourhood, who are a majority non-white, because they think investing in children and exposing them to the arts and nature is deeply important. They run a free class reading foundational texts of western civilisation, taught by university professors, for local people in the community who could never afford university (and usually don't have time for it) because they think the life of the mind is something that even poor people deserve access to. They have a lot of free music concerts, and classes for children, because they think music feeds people spiritually.

So your mistake here may be that just because your college doesn't support the political policies you think are best, does not mean that he hates you, or non-white people, or whatever. He may well think that being non-white, queer, or a woman doesn't define you or the fact that he should help you out as a person.

In general, there is a differernce between progressive people and conservatives in that many of the former think they can only have friendships within their own political views ("never kissed a Tory,) as opposed to conservatives, who tend to think meaningful relationships are possible even with people with differernt political views.

So it may be that you are judging your college by your metric, whereas his is quite differernt.

The thing is, you cam think, for example, that a particular religion has some seriously bad ideas, without thinking that just because people subscribe to that religion are evil people.

I might think, for example, that Hinduism is inherently classist, and will tend to create classist societies and more classist people compared to some other belief system.

But at the same time know that most Hindus are just normal people who try to do what seems to be right, that they may well see their religion from a differernt perspective than I do as an outsider too.

Farage may well think that Islam has some problematic ideas, while not holding any of that against individual Muslims

This post says more about OP and her narrow views & assumptions about others. Colleague is putting his career first and demonstrating positive workplace behaviors. OP views might hold OP back.

What's the difference? I mean, seriously, when trans people are spouting about "queer joy" and the "queer umbrella" how are we supposed to know what the difference is.
If you are meaning being gay or lesbian, say that. We will understand what you mean.

If you mean "I once had a girlfriend but now I am married to a man and have blue hair so I'm special", then you shouldn't be too surprised when we don't take you seriously (and when we assume you think lesbians should sleep with lesbians-trapped-in-men's-bodies).

OP … you are so small minded annd easy to wind up.
I laugh and laugh about the voting for Trump, Reform & Tate when he is not American

Reform is not far right. You are drinking the Queer, non-white or/& disabled Kool-Aid. Reform is not about hate, it’s about what the party thinks is doing what’s right for UK. Your people tell you it’s far right hate & you repeat it without thinking or fact checking.

You are so tribal, you have forgotten how to think. You are just doing what’s your “demographic” has told you to think. It’s OK to be queer and not want uncontrolled migration into the UK. It’s ok to be Queer and support Farage. Etc etc

You are so full of hate, stereotypes and assumptions - u should be embarrassed.

First they came for the Communists
And I did not speak out
Because I was not a Communist
Then they came for the Socialists
And I did not speak out
Because I was not a Socialist
Then they came for the trade unionists
And I did not speak out
Because I was not a trade unionist
Then they came for the Jews
And I did not speak out
Because I was not a Jew
Then they came for me
And there was no one left
To speak out for me

More kool-aid - if you are going to quote at least note the author, don’t just copy & paste! it was written by German Lutheran pastor Martin Niemöller.

Do you really think it’s a Nazi & Holocaust situation? So insulting & racist, and faux reasoning to invoke Hitler, so ignorant of history, politics, religion and facts and current politics. Such obscene cultural appropriation to compare every little thing to what the Jews suffered! Just copy & paste the poem - don’t even think. Copy paste is the limit of your intellect.

You are gulping the koolaid so fast you are choking on it!

He’s treating you as a person and colleague, and not placing any importance on the things that YOU label yourself as. Those things might be important to you but he doesn’t give a flying fig. And quite right too. Your labels are yours, not to be imposed on anyone. I’m surprised you question this.

Why, did you think I’d written it? I think
you should calm down, you’re coming across ragey and proving everyone’s point.

Struck a copy paste nerve, have I?

lol what? You seriously think I tried to pass off a well known quote as my own? Are you on glue?

This. Sadly it makes for great interview stories when you ‘support’ people with differences. As an apprentice he is probably looking to stay on full time after he finishes, or apply for other roles where you’ll be a great competency based interview answer.

where did he learn this behaviour

To be a productive colleague and treat you as an individual? Parents or school I imagine.