Why is my 22-year-old apprentice colleague so helpful to me when he clearly dislikes people like me?

[AmusedTaupePlayer]

Hi Mumsnet,
I’ve just started a new job and I’m a disabled, non-white queer woman. One of my colleagues—a 22-year-old male apprentice—has taken to going out of his way to help me with tasks and paperwork. On the face of it, that seems kind, but he’s also been openly very vocal about his support for Trump, Reform UK, Andrew Tate and Tristan Tate. He’s told me he “doesn’t care” about refugees, women, disabled people or queers.
I’m baffled. Why would someone who clearly holds such contemptuous views towards my identity go out of their way to support me at work? Is he genuinely separating his personal beliefs from his professional conduct? Is this a sign that he actually respects me more than I think, or is he just playing a strange game?
Has anyone else experienced this kind of behaviour? Any ideas what might be going on in his head, or how I should handle this relationship? Thanks in advance.

His “helpfulness” could be a power play, a way of establishing control, or confusing the dynamic so you feel indebted, silenced, or unsure how to respond when he makes bigoted statements. This tactic (mixed messages and intermittent kindness) is unsettling by design. It’s a known pattern in coercive relationships and hostile environments.

Or alternatively its also possible that he’s too young or inexperienced to grasp the full weight of his beliefs. He may parrot extreme views online (e.g., from Tate) without fully understanding their implications in real life, especially toward someone like you. That doesn’t excuse it, but it might explain a lack of insight.

In any case, I would keep a note and document day/time what he says, who witnessed it, just in case you need to escalate it further down the line.

People are complex. I used to know a racist who married a person of colour and was disowned by his family. Seemed to love her and was very kind to her family. Didn't stop him spouting racist nonsense. And a group of friends told me of their long time friend who adopted a black girl but absolutely hated black people. The pood little girl spouted the most ridiculously and horrendously racists things. Even believed she was white ( aged 3 to 4 then) and that adoptive mum doted on her. Some people

Oh the short answer: JD and Usha Vance

Because his job pays him to. What's the alternative? Be a knob and get fired?

Just be polite back, keep it professional and don't get close.

Maybe he fancies you.

He's probably just a bit of a twerp at this point in life and is showing signs he may grow out of it.

So let me get this straight: you're deeply troubled that a young man who (allegedly) openly despises everything you stand for... is treating you professionally and kindly at work? I mean, how dare he not match his political views with active daily hostility, right? The nerve of that apprentice, refusing to be the cartoon villain you scripted for your workplace drama.
Perhaps—stay with me here—people can be complex. Shocking, I know. Maybe he’s trying to be decent in spite of his opinions. Or maybe he's just being a human who realises that functioning in a workplace means treating others respectfully, even if he also retweets nonsense in his spare time.
You seem confused that someone who disagrees with you ideologically isn’t also spitting venom at you in the break room. But honestly, isn’t that... what we want? Adults being civil to each other even if their Twitter feeds are on fire? Or is tolerance now only admirable when it’s flowing in one direction?
Also, pro tip: if you’re simultaneously accusing someone of hating you and being suspicious when they don’t act like they hate you, it might be time to take a reflective walk, perhaps with fewer mirrors.
Of course, if he's actually said all those horrible things to your face at work, then that’s a different matter (and also an HR matter). But if you're just struggling to square his politics with his behaviour, well... welcome to the messy realm of actual human beings, where nuance exists and hypocrisy isn’t just the domain of others.
Anyway, good luck navigating it. Just try not to bite the hand that's carrying your paperwork.
He pays taxes. I pay taxes. You pay taxes. Which means, like it or not, we're all financially supporting people we can't stand. Congratulations, you're not special.
And let’s be real: the guy’s not harming anyone. If anything, he’s carrying himself with more dignity and self-awareness than the pearl-clutching crowd frothing at the mouth to tear him down.
If you’re gonna cast stones, at least check that your own house isn’t made of smug little glass panels first.
Congratulations—you're exactly the same, just shouting from opposite ends of the hypocrisy spectrum.

This is a false moral equivalence. There’s a difference between not donating to a cause and explicitly saying you dislike entire groups of people based on characteristics they can’t control. The former is a private omission. The latter is an ideological stance and worldview.

Framing that as “just not giving your energy” misrepresents what’s actually being said. He’s not indifferent. He’s telling OP that people like her don’t matter. Yes, he can vote however he likes. But it’s not just an abstract political preference, it’s a value system; one that positions OP as less than fully human. She’s right to be wary.

Whats your job in relation to his?

Sounds like he will be learning rather a lot in his apprenticeship.

The job of an apprentice is to learn, that’s what they are literally getting paid to do, so unless you serve some vital role in his teaching then his job isn’t to support you. If you are assigned to teach him then this obviously the reason why he is being nice.

If he is the apprentice and you are senior and he is clever then he probably isn’t thinking about what he’s doing in terms of helping you - he’s working hard to get every opportunity to get experience, learn and prove his competence. Exactly what you’d want a good apprentice. He needs to learn to keep his political views to himself though.

Have you reported his comments to HR or your line manager?

Either-
He doesn’t relate you to his views
He wants to do well at work so tolerates you whilst making sure you know his views
Hes putting you in your place

And next on Things That Never Happened we have the exciting conclusion to My Neighbour Married My Wheelie Bin

Queer is a slur, OP. Looks like you're the one who's full of hate...

I think really you’d do better to keep your political views out of the workplace - he needs to learn that work isn’t the place.

Probably not.

It sounds like he doesn't understand what he thinks he understands.

He sounds completely ignorant. The type to spout off, but not you, because you're okay, it's just all the others isn't it?

Sigh.

Hopefully he'll start questioning his beliefs. Hopefully 🙄

Queer has been wonderfully reclaimed. There's nothing wrong with being queer.

he is ignorant, never mind his maths degree
plus he is only 22
he doesnt know his own mind!

Is it his job to support you personally, as in he’s your PA?
“hey I’d appreciate it if you kept your views to your self” should do the trick.

That would depend on which people you talk too.
There are many LGB people that still say that queer is a slur.

This. He can be kind and compassionate first hand but "others" at a distance.

I'm surprised that at his age that he has survived university without being subjected to the GI politics of universities and without seeing that expressing such views could be very harmful to his career.

I would like to know how this even comes up in discussion and if he is just citing these people as a response to your views?

Also why is it part of his job to support you?

The word makes me want to vomit - having friends who were regularly bullied and assaulted for being gay, when the word was used as a huge insult, has meant that I only ever see it as an insult. So many younger people seem to forget this, because they only think of themselves and how ‘special’ they are.

It's perhaps the youth reclaiming it. My daughter is gay. She's happy to be gay, queer, annoying, hormonal, angry... Oops sorry... Personal traits! She has a long term girlfriend but hates the word lesbian. I don't know... It seems to have come round in a circle from what I've seen, but appreciate it is still a slur to some.

I don't think the OP should have been told she's full of hate though for calling herself queer though. That's what triggered my response really.

Too many 'thoughs' in that last post, though.