DD17 has been inappropriately touched by a customer whilst at work.

[Normansglasseye]

DD17 works at the weekend at a well known store.

We are currently on our way to pick her up as she's just rung me very distressed. She was serving on a till and an autistic young man around the same as DD has grabbed one of her breasts. She is absolutely distraught. The carer/parent has apologised.

I've never been in a situation like this.

I'm so upset for DD.

OP start with your GP. Tell them what’s happened and that your DD needs support to come to terms with what happened. Hopefully they will be able to refer your DD for talking therapy. In many cases talking to a trained therapist who is neutral frees people up to be more open as there is no fear of saying the wrong thing or upsetting anyone.

in the meantime it’s important for her to understand that she wasn’t personally targeted. This was random and as a result of poor impulse control on the part of the boy, due to his condition. She was essentially in the wrong place at the wrong time. And reinforce that her reaction was perfectly normal. Nothing she could have done would have prevented it because it was random. At the end of the day, regardless of the underlying cause, she’s been assaulted and will need support to process the events and begin to heal.

I had similar. At church. A man with learning difficulties of some kind. He made a bee line for me because I was young, I think. He seemed fascinated by me. I’m not sure it was sexual at all but it felt uncomfortable because I didn’t feel able to say anything due to his disability. Older ladies were giving me sympathetic looks but no one suggested he sit elsewhere. He spent the entire service staring at me and stroking my leg.
In the end I went to the minister, on another day, and I said I felt uncomfortable and it wasn’t ok. I shouldn’t have to be touched and stared at. He was ace and expressed disappointment in his congregation who gave me the sympathetic looks. It never happened again.

It’s difficult situation because intent, while important, doesn’t stop the result of the action, which in your dd case, is violation. She has been violated.

And if the carer is an unsupported family member who is being left to get on with it ? What then ? So many posters have no idea as to the state of the care system and the dire circumstances unpaid carers in the form of family members are left to deal with simply because rhe resources they desperately need are just not there.

Let's face it, it's FAR more likely that this was a parent. Because the chances of getting a few hours respite care from a carer are minimal.

This all depends on the effectiveness of the provision. Some provisions have poor safeguarding standards and poor reporting standards.

Someone can be very autistic and intentionally target young women sexually. It’s best to report to police so they can make a decision about how to proceed considering all factors, the staff/parent needs help working out how safeguarding can be improved.

Except she was in the right place at the right time. At her place of work.
She was the victim and he was the aggressor. Regardless of the capability of him and his carer, they were clearly in the wrong place to manage his needs. They were in the wrong and she should not be fobbed off.
She has a right to safety at work.

What does that even mean "very autistic ". Would you like to explain.

Where have l suggested fobbing her off ?

But in a case like this a serious incident has taken place. If a professional carer is supervising outings he may be in a live in care setting, in which case the career would have followed protocols given the seriousness of the incident. I do think it’s far more likely that this was a family member out of their depth.

If his condition is severe, why was he unaccompanied at the checkout?

Agree. Where we are, respite is non existent unless you have private resources. It’s clear from some of the comments on the thread that some posters think appropriate care is provided for everyone who needs it, and the simple fact is that it isn’t. In most cases it’s inadequate and provided according to what’s available rather than what’s actually needed.

The provision of a carer to accompany a client on outings isn’t the norm and suggests a formal live in care setting where outings would be risk assessed and planned. Far more likely, as you say, that this is a parent or other family member in an unpaid capacity. If the boy can’t be left alone and there’s no-one else to help, the parent would have no choice other than to try to manage essential outings and as a carer is probably exhausted and overwhelmed. Only on MN would people be lining up to apportion blame and advocate for punishment instead of recognising that it’s the system that’s failed both young people here.

The wrong place wrong time works with random events like lightening but she was targeted. He went past the men, who had badges and grabbed her breast. The so called carer tried to excuse it but she took him into a shop.

I suspect that this was a family member providing the care. People seem to think that appropriate care and supervision is provided in all cases, and this just isn’t the case. It could be that this is a sole carer and doing their best in difficult circumstances. Not sure why people are trying to apportion blame here, because I’m not sure it’s appropriate. Even the OP acknowledges that because she’s a carer herself.

That you would even say something like ‘the so called carer’ indicates that you have little idea or understanding of the pressure on family carers. Apportioning blame here helps no-one. Least of all the OP and her daughter. The OP posted for advice as to how to help her DD move past it and l responded from professional experience.

Nothing takes away from the fact that this was an assault, and the fact that the boy is disabled shouldn’t invalidate DD’s feelings as a result. But it’s interesting that both DD and her daughter want to find the best way to process this and move on, while many posters on the thread are baying for blood and trying to present this incident as something it wasn’t in order to get it. This wasn’t some random pervert hanging round the shop waiting for an opportunity to strike, it was a disabled boy inadequately supervised, who likely acted because of poor impulse control and an inability to fully understand the consequences of his actions. Two totally different things. She was in the wrong place at the wrong time in that she became the focus of this boy’s attention and was assaulted as a result.

What outcome does your daughter want/expect? She has chosen to work with the general public who will include people like this.

Wtf? She’s chosen as in, got a job like most teens, that’s in a shop and so she deserves to be sexually assaulted? Wtaf am I reading here?

First of all, I want to say it's NOT OK that your poor DD was grabbed at like this, OP, and I'm extremely sorry it happened. It's not ok. Her employment seems to have very poor practice at following this up. I'm not sure what any people-facing employer can do to mitigate unintentional harassment like this, since it's hard to predict, but some training would probably help. It won't stop people with severe LDs/Autism behaving in the ways they can often behave though, and I hope people realise that this is one of the many unpredictable things about living in a community alongside very different people, as we are all free to move around in our society. But it was a horrible thing to happen, and at her young age. I had the misfortune to experience similar assault aimed at my private body parts, as a student, and I'd be lying if I said that after the initial shock/outrage, it didn't have a more lasting effect. I think young women can feel more confident and safer if they learn some fending off techniques via a martial art or self defence lessons. This might help your daughter, going forwards? And I really do hope she's recovering from the shock, and that her employers step up to support her.

If this sad thread has done anything, I just hope it's opened some people's eyes to the horrific position we unpaid parent carers find ourselves in while trying to live with and care for someone with significant additional needs. I have a son who is mid-teens, severely affected by his autism and significant LDs. He does grab at other people sometimes - luckily not at private areas (unless it's me, he pats my breasts and it is a CONSTANT battle to get him to stop. As in, he'll lunge for me, I bat him off, firmly say NO, PRIVATE, and in 30 seconds he'll try it again. Do please, all you perfect parents out there, suggest what I ought to be doing? Maybe wear a metal chest plate or something else?). However it is irritating and often a shock if you're patted at or grabbed by someone unexpectedly.

Fortunately, on the rare times he's done this with strangers, it's been immediately apparent that he has significant SEN and people have been extremely understanding, sensibly proportionate, compassionate and generous. Thank goodness.

Which is fortunate for him, and for us. If we ever are unfortunate enough for him to grab, entirely without malice or intent at sexual harassment, at someone who DOES decide to take it further, we are screwed. If an unsympathetic police officer got involved or someone decided to be really bloody-minded about it (because cognitively he is about 3) then potentially he could end up on some sort of register. It keeps me awake at night. If that happens, he's unlikely ever to be allowed to live in most residential care homes, which god knows are like gold dust anyway, and far from ideal in many cases.

Please, all you posters who are SO quick to say that an assault is an assault, or that intention doesn't matter, or even that if a young person is liable to grab at strangers then he shouldn't be allowed out, please can you try putting yourselves into his, and our position? We are desperate. Occasionally even suicidal. I have the responsibility for a child who will NEVER grow up, cognitively. But he will eventually become adult-sized. His hormones are kicking in. Living with him is a challenge every hour he is awake. We take him out of the house to stay sane and because he loves to go out and explore. We and his very good special school work with him, very hard, with all the tools we have at our disposal, to get him to try and understand that private areas mean NO TOUCHING.

In a few short years, his time at school will be over, when he hits 19. If we're very lucky, we might find him a residential place at a 'college', perhaps a SEN farm where he can do activities he enjoys. He will never have a job. He will never have a girlfriend or sex with anyone else. He will never be able to live alone, or go out anywhere alone. In fact, it may be deemed necessary for him to have TWO adult carers with him when he goes out as an adult. Where on earth, in these cash-strapped days, do you think the LA are going to find funding for that? Meanwhile, we, his parents, are in our 50's, ageing ahead of our years, bits falling off etc. I honestly think that caring for him will put us into an early grave. Both of us have been suicidal at times. There is no fucking respite care, we have tried to get a social worker allocated (can't even try to apply for respite without one) and are still trying years later. There are none, we are not 'desperate' enough. There are no family members who are able or willing to help and we have no friends who are willing to take him on during the day time. My older NT son babysits once he's in bed so we do occasionally go out. That will stop when he goes to university. It feels like a prison door is slowly closing on us.

So please, everyone who is so quick to condemn, think what you're saying. Imagine what it's like to be us. It's shit. Imagine if you can (it's very very hard) what it's like to be my son, full of curiosity and joy, but unable to process his environment, stay safe on his own or assimilate the modes of social behaviour that most NT 4 years olds are capable of.

This is the problem, you ,say autism and many posters automatically assume the person is very able and understand, s exactly what they have done I have seen it loads on here
And then you get the inevitable comments about misogyny etc
I have no idea of the person in questions capacity
But if he presents anything like my son there will have been no sexual motive ,he has no understanding of how his actions impact others ,that doesn't mean I'm not ultra vigilant with him ,or that it invalidates the Op ,s daughters feelings about the assault though.

thank you for saying this. I'm terrified at the tenor of some of the posts I've read here. God help us all if they reflect society at large.

I think this is a good point, although seventeen is very young to be trying to anticipate situations like this. An awful lot of posters seem to be saying that some disabilities mean the person should be locked away, or not allowed out in public, which is quite shocking in itself. The fact is that there is a disabled community and in many cases they and their families are struggling to integrate into society - a lot of the time without adequate support. Until the system can provide that support, incidents like this will keep happening.

I think OP and her DD just want to find the best way to process this and move past it, but l think the shop has a responsibility to revisit it’s security provision to make sure they are protecting their staff who work in a very public setting. I don’t think it’s possible to entirely prevent it though, given the factors involved.

Although this was distressing for your daughter you really need to encourage her resilience. Tell her she can go to the police if she wants - and I'd encourage that as you have no proof the boy was actually autistic. But also explain to her that sometimes people are mentally younger than they appear to be and that it's possible he may not have realised how wrong this is. Ask her if she would still be as upset if a 7 year old had done this.

Self defence classes would be a good idea, they will build her confidence.

The poster isn’t saying anything of the sort. Anyone who works in a public setting has to understand and accept that there are certain risks, and that even with the best security provision it’s impossible to prevent them entirely. You only have to look at the amount of notices up in places like shops, doctors waiting rooms, etc, advising that aggressive behaviour will not be tolerated to understand the risks involved when you are public facing.

Working with the general public does not equate to expecting or putting up with someone inappropriately touching you.

Would you be happy with someone coming up to you at work and grabbing one of your breasts? Would you have been happy to have been groped at 17 in your first job?

What my dd (and I) would expect when she is at work is to feel safe and not have any of her body parts touched. She works at The Range ffs, not in social care or a setting in which this may be a hazzard of the job.

I get it was a distressing experience, but what realistically can be done? If you work in a school with sn kids, you will be hit, kicked, spat at and sometimes being touched inappropriately. Ditto if you work with dementia patients. It is not a desirable state of affairs but is pragmatically unavoidable.