DD17 has been inappropriately touched by a customer whilst at work.

[Normansglasseye]

DD17 works at the weekend at a well known store.

We are currently on our way to pick her up as she's just rung me very distressed. She was serving on a till and an autistic young man around the same as DD has grabbed one of her breasts. She is absolutely distraught. The carer/parent has apologised.

I've never been in a situation like this.

I'm so upset for DD.

Sometimes people with neurological deficits act differently to the norm. I’m sure dd was scared and shocked but it doesn’t sound like the young man involved was responsible for his actions and his carer did well to remove him from a potentially dangerous situation.
im not sure why he shouldn’t be out and about in public like everyone else.

Maybe if one day, god forbid. your daughter gets her breast squeezed by a complete stranger (or worse) you may feel different.

There are plenty of cases of mentally disabled people committing crimes - sometimes quite severe crimes. The authorities do sometimes imprison the disabled person - not as punishment, but for the safety of others.

Undoubtedly a crime has been committed, but the disabled person is unlikely to be punished because he’s deemed to be not responsible due to his disability. Reporting the crime may trigger a review of his care arrangements, but he won’t be “punished” as such. I doubt anything would happen except a verbal warning from police, and as such I’d question whether it was worth the hassle of reporting.

It very much depends on the capacity of the person a verbsl.warning for my son wouldn't mean anything as he has no concept of how his actions impact others ideally the assessments should be reviewed and more support put in place.

There’s acting differently to the norm (which is of course fine) and there’s committing sexual (or other) assault, even if unintentional.

The carer should have been in a position to step in BEFORE the young man grabbed OP’s daughter’s breast.

The carer did a poor job taking him into a shop and allowing him close contact with anyone as he's known to have a grabbing issue. The lie about badges and the running out doesn't help the situation.
This needs to be raised as he's a risk to other people and is not adequately supervised.

I agree - but it’s very likely the carer is at the limit of their ability to cope and there’s no additional support available. The government doesn’t care if disabled people and their families are adequately supported, as long as they’re out of sight, out of mind, and not causing major problems. Have you not seen the news articles about carers killing the disabled people they care for because they can’t cope any more, and sometimes killing themselves too?

So why did the carer take a man with grabbing issues into a shop if she felt overwhelmed?

Possibly but I don’t think so. I too have lots of experience of the sort of disability that might lead to this situation and I would be looking to frame it in a more frank way. This man lacked capacity so while it might feel like the other creepy men it is very unlikely it was. Intent does make a difference and may help your child process her feelings.

I don't know things escalated very quickly ,maybe the carer wasn't paying attention ,maybe they were poorly trained it could have been any number of reasons .

Yes I agree. The carer in an ideal situation would have this situation under control. I would imagine removing the young man was a good thing rather than uncaring as perceived by OP

I don’t agree. It’s possible this is the first time it’s happened without a name badge. It’s possible he is learning to negotiate shops and public places rather than knows how to do it. Removing her client from a high stress and possibly dangerous situation is part of a carers job (which I’m surprised OP isn’t aware of). Supervision was inadequate at this time but assuming he can be given more support he isn’t necessarily a risk to anyone.

I don't think it's fair to put it back on the Ops daughter
Im.the parent of a,severely autistic teen who could potentially grab,we are ultra vigilant with him but if he got forbid did manage to grab someone,,even though he doesn't understand what he's done ,it wouldn't make it any less distressing for the person he grabbed.

I’m not “putting it back onto” OPs daughter, I’m suggesting a way of thinking about it that might make her feel less violated. Intent very much does matter. A toddler sticking his head under a changing room door is a pesky menace, an adult male fucking terrifying. I would position this as somewhere in between. It’s scary because it is and adult male and intent might be there, it’s annoying because regardless of the lack of intent it’s an intrusion/assault on yourself. I’d want to help my 17 year old feel less like a pervert had assaulted her and more like someone who lacks capacity wasn’t being supervised appropriately.

She said he had issues with badges...his issues should be taken into account and he should not be in shops.

I didn’t blame any victim. How do you suggest OP helps her daughter walk away strong from this situation?

In case it hasn't been mentioned, make sure your daughter joins a union if she continues to work there/in another minimum wage job.

I'm surprised there isn't a blanket policy of the store reporting to the police when a member of staff has been assaulted. I'm glad they've banned the member of staff and the carer. (Although, how will they enforce this if they don't know who they are?)

I would definitely encourage your daughter to report it to the police, and let them decide how to proceed.

Report it, dont dismiss it, show her it's unacceptable and investigate what the process is.
Talk about it as much as she needs to - about how wrong his behaviour was. Don't make her an entity to be abused.
If he gets adequate supervision or banned from shops it helps others too.

Removing her client from a high stress and possibly dangerous situation is part of a carers job (which I'm surprised OP isn't aware of).

I am fully aware of this as a PA myself but what I would also do as a carer/PA is to contact the store and offer an apology to the person/people involved.
When I am working the vulnerable person is in my care and I always take full responsibility for any actions they undertake whilst in my care.

OP if this was a professional carer l doubt they would have left the scene. The care provider would have had protocols in place for reporting and actioning after an incident like this. At the very least l would have expected them to secure the person in their care and report back for an update as to what was happening, then meet with the care provider to agree whatever action was appropriate. I agree that the carer’s priority would have been to remove the boy from anything which could have added to the stress and possibly escalated the situation but to leave the scene altogether is really not acceptable.

It depends on whether the carer is a paid professional or a family member receiving minimal support. If this young man cannot be left alone and the family carer has things to do - even if it’s just grocery shopping - and there is no one else to take over his care, what are they supposed to do ? And catch yourself on - disabled people are entitled to support to allow them to take part in society at whatever level they can. The fact that this has even happened is a failure of the system involving both the DD who was assaulted, and the boy himself whose care, for whatever reason, was so inadequate as to allow it.

And no one here is doing either. The care system is a shit show and has let both of them down. And yet still we see numerous benefit bashing threads on MN showing support for further cuts in funding that will ensure that incidents like this keep happening.

And this is the point isn’t it ? The boy may not be able to take on the responsibility of what he’s done by reason of disability, but that doesn’t change the fact that OP’s daughter has been assaulted. For proper perspective you have to accept that both can be true at he same time.

This.