I actually think this may be a deal breaker for me.

[DancingDucks]

My closest friend of 30 years split up with her DH about a year ago. Her DH is my husband's best friend, also if around 30 years. He left my friend and their children for another woman and she was left heartbroken. I've supported my friend through this, DH is also fond of her, well I thought he was, and although he says he doesn't agree with what he did, still sees her DH.

I don't really have an issue with that, they've been through a lot together and are very close. Here is my issue. DH wants to go out for dinner with him and his new girlfriend as a four. I have said absolutely not. I feel like he just wants to replace my friend with this new woman and it would break my friends heart if I suddenly buddied up with her, plus, I really don't want to.

I accept he wants to see his friend, but I absolutely will not sit and pretend that it's lovely and cosy with him and the woman he was shagging in my friends bed, when their children were asleep. I have no interest in seeing either of them.

DH says that I need to 'get over it' and he 'expects' me to do this. I absolutely will not. We've been together 25 years and married for 22, mostly all good but I can't believe he won't respect how I feel about this, or that he would put me in this position. He's so angry that I won't and I'm so angry that he expects me to. It feels like I'm talking to someone I don't know.

It probably is that which is extremely pathetic because it wouldn't even be an embarrassing thing to explain.
"She doesn't want to come because 'ex' is her best friend'
Simple as that.

If you did meet up then it would be the end of your friendship with your best friend who would rightly see it as a huge betrayal. You can't control what your DH does, but also, he cannot insist that you go with him.

You are right not to go, it would be difficult and awkward and you would also lose your friend, so tell him it's just not going to happen.

Yoyr dh's attitude would give me the rage too op. How dare he expect you to compromise your morals just to make his mate feel better? Stick to your guns. You sound like a wonderful friend

Hi
I would tell my DH,
“Yes, darling, I’d love to come with you. It will be a perfect opportunity for me to tell them both exactly what I think of them. Naturally, I won’t be staying to enjoy the meal with the 3 of you as I would not be able to enjoy the food with such a nasty taste in my mouth. Shall I suggest that I don’t accompany you.”
End of your speech.

It would cross your moral compass to go, so you’re not going.
That is perfectly reasonable, and even if it wasn’t, he doesn’t get to tell you what to do. You’re an adult.

Well, on that basis, he should be loyal to you too, shouldn't he?

Fuck that shit. And id be telling my DH that ‘I EXPECT him to respect my decision’

Ugh, God, of course he did. I hadn't even considered this, but they're best friends - obviously he knew. I wonder if his best friend ever used a night out with OP's DH as cover?😔
@DancingDucks OP, have you asked your DH if he's known all along? (Accepting, of course, that he would be unlikely to tell you the truth.)

You and your husband have opposing views on cheating, it seems. You don't condone it, he does. This is a fairly big issue to work around and I can see why you would call it a deal breaker.
YANBU to stand your ground and refuse to see them.

I wouldn’t go either out of solidarity to my friend.

I would probably say to DH that I might go in future when/if I felt ready for it, e.g. if my friend had moved on in a few years time and it wasn’t all still so raw.

This is a good point.

It's actually unlikely that he didn't know what was going on to be fair. His friend probably would have confided in someone or had a bad case of mentionitis

Sadly your DH would probably never admit to knowing either.

What a mess.

Being "loyal" to your DH is NOT expecting him to give up a friendship that he has had for this lng, even though his friend is a complete wanker.

I was in this exact same situation except the friend lives overseas and it was a one off visit. I said I wasn't prepared to meet up with the other woman. My husband went on his own with absolutely no drama. He simply told his friend that I wasn't comfortable with meeting up. Your husband is being a dick!

I absolutely wouldn't do this either. I'd say to him it is not something you're willing to do. It's up to him if he wants to make a big deal of it but you suggest not doing so because you're not going to back down and is something you have to agree to disagree on. I'd also suggest to him that if you go unwillingly and aren't able to put on a happy front for the new couple then that will be more awkward than just declining to begin with!

My brother and his wife were in a similar situation with mutual best friend's split. SIL has now, many years down the line, socialised at an event with the OW and best friend's exH but avoided both for a long time and was just civil the first couple of events (with lots of other people). My brother socialised with the exH (his friend) separately for a long while and completely understood and didn't push SIL. I think SIL and the OW have now had a conversation and it's OK. They'll never be best friends but they can socialise in a group without awkwardness. That's 10 years on from the initial split though!

His loyalty to his friend involves overlooking his infidelity, mixed in with feeling awkward about reneging on his agreement to going out for dinner as a foursome.
Your loyalty to your friend is a bit deeper.
This is nothing to do with your loyalty to him and he's reaching a long way to try to suggest that it is.

If you and DH have a good marriage .I would sit him down, and explain that you wouldnt expect him to meet a female friend of yours, who had been a friend of you two and had cheated on his mate .If he sees things from your viewpoint it might hammer home to him hes being unreasonable . If he wont budge still ,tell him he will have to go on his own!

And his loyalty is to you, this isn't 1950 when wives were expected to do as they are told.
Does your husband think it's ok to cheat on your wife and parade the mistress to everyone. If he does, he needs to give his head a wobble. I don't know anyone who would think that's ok. I'm guessing the cheater is the alpha/dominant male, your husband is weaker and wants to keep in with him. Let him, doesn't he have other friends? People will judge him for the company he keeps.

Your loyalty to him would be due if your friend was doing something detrimental to your DH. Your friend is doing nothing wrong and your DH is not harmed by you declining to socialise with his friend. You aren't preventing him from seeing his friend. Your loyalty to your DH is intact.

I wouldn't even discuss that with him again. He knows he's being unreasonable and she shouldn't need to explain herself to him again.

The only sit down I would be having about this is to tell him to NEVER try to order me to do something again, or to try to manipulate me into doing something by making out it's to do with loyalty.

Fine that your husband wants to see his friend, completely unreasonable to expect you to see him, especially with the other woman. You've lost the experience of being able to hang out "as a four". That's not your fault, it the fault of his friend. He will just have to accept that that gone now.

God I hate the way men think they can just swing OW into the old friendship group and everything will be fine. Basically women are interchangeable.

Well you can say that his loyalty should be to you ! Your friend is the wronged party here, and it is unbelievable that he expects you to trample all over her feelings to keep his friend happy.
It should be simple, he should say to his friend “Ducks doesn’t feel happy about spending time with you and your new girlfriend, because that would really hurt her friend”. It’s totally reasonable.

He seems to have confused ‘loyalty’ with ‘unquestioningly accepting the behaviour of his adulterous mate to the detriment of your friendship with the wronged wife’.

Surely he can hang out with them if he wants but he needs to respect your decision not to.

Show him this thread.

Well you “expect him” to RESPECT your decision and feelings ffs!