I actually think this may be a deal breaker for me.

[DancingDucks]

My closest friend of 30 years split up with her DH about a year ago. Her DH is my husband's best friend, also if around 30 years. He left my friend and their children for another woman and she was left heartbroken. I've supported my friend through this, DH is also fond of her, well I thought he was, and although he says he doesn't agree with what he did, still sees her DH.

I don't really have an issue with that, they've been through a lot together and are very close. Here is my issue. DH wants to go out for dinner with him and his new girlfriend as a four. I have said absolutely not. I feel like he just wants to replace my friend with this new woman and it would break my friends heart if I suddenly buddied up with her, plus, I really don't want to.

I accept he wants to see his friend, but I absolutely will not sit and pretend that it's lovely and cosy with him and the woman he was shagging in my friends bed, when their children were asleep. I have no interest in seeing either of them.

DH says that I need to 'get over it' and he 'expects' me to do this. I absolutely will not. We've been together 25 years and married for 22, mostly all good but I can't believe he won't respect how I feel about this, or that he would put me in this position. He's so angry that I won't and I'm so angry that he expects me to. It feels like I'm talking to someone I don't know.

I’d be furious that he seems to think that his wants are more important than mine so that would definitely need another conversation.

However, I would talk to my friend about it and would be tempted to go to the dinner to find out what this new woman was like. That way we could ascertain if she would be good to the children and I could also mention my friend in the conversation!

She’s not taking sides. She’s being a best friend to her best friend.

And respecting that her DH is being a best friend to his.

I think the scenario you’re thinking of is when you meet friends equally as a couple; their subsequent marriage breakup doesn’t involve deceit and humiliation and they don’t expect you to socialise with their new partner within a year when there are kids involved.

IMHO if we see ourselves as a good mate, we should always be loyal and put their feelings first.

So where does his loyalty lie? Obviously not with you.

You end up being forced on a side even if you don’t want to be. If you went you’d lose your friendship with her completely. So yes I agree. Surely he’s seen how this plays out for other couple friends who have split up?

I’m 100% with you on this OP. There is no way I’d be socialising with them either. Well done for sticking to your morals.
I’d be furious if my DH couldn’t see my point of view on this.

Completely on your side OP .However, Im not surprised at your DHs position. I think ,in general, men do not care as much about how it would look to the other partner , etc and see it as just going out for a meal or whatever. I know my DH would .BUT , when I explained my feelings, he would respect them

Your friend needs to move on, and so do you

Why? Why does the op have to 'move on'?

We have a similar sounding couple - we all go out together as a 4 but separately, I'm very friendly with her and dh is bff's with him.

If he cheated and dumped her and the kids for an OW then hell would freeze over before I socialised with the 'new couple'. At all, regardless of time passed. I wouldn't see this as a process I'd need to move through, a new friend I'd have to learn to accept. Just no. Dh could keep seeing his friend, I would choose to have nothing at all to do with either of them.

I'm amazed your DH would even suggest this. Does he think his friend should just be forgiven and everyone should just get over it?
My ex had an affair while I was pregnant with our youngest DC and then left us shortly before the birth to be with the ow. Result was that I basically "kept" all of our friends (and some of his) because of his absolute dickhead behaviour. No way are the husbands in our friendship group still in any way socialising with him or suggesting to go out with him and his girlfriend. (I've had a few offer to give him a good hiding, though...)

If the shoe was on the other foot would you expect him to get over it and come out with her and her new man and play nice? Would he do that? Have you put it to him?

If he wouldn't then why should you?

I’m with everyone else on this thread. He can ‘expect’ all he likes, but you are your own person and quite able to make your decisions a decision on who you do and don’t want to see.

He's happy for you to lose your friendship so that he can pretend his has stayed the same.

Ewww.

I feel like this needs quoting again - very true

If my husband said this to me, the only thing he could 'expect' is divorce papers! So disrespectful of him towards you! Ultimatums will always result in me choosing the opposite.

This isn't a situation where he needs loyalty from you. He isn't the one affected or needing backup either rightly or wrongly.

Yes this. I totally agree with you OP, I wouldn’t do it but why on earth does he ‘expect’ you to go on what is essentially a double date? Let him meet her if that’s what he wants but his expectation is unreasonable on every level.

Sorry but your dh doesn’t sound very bright. This isn’t a loyalty to him situation. He can be loyal to his friend and you loyal to your friend. If someone said that to me I’d be thinking they were emotionally stupid.

No, he sees his friend on his own if he wants to
cintinue seeing him. You’re not stopping his friendship but I’m with you in that I wouldn’t be socialising with him or her

He said to me that my loyalty should be to him

And his loyalty should be to you.
He's not recognising at all the very difficult position you would be in.

Stick to your guns OP
And well done for being such a good friend, she's lucky to have you.

YANBU

Sorry OP

I thought I was on AIBU 😊

We have friends divorcing, have known them for 26 years. We did lots as a couple, they are our DS Godparents. He did the dirty on her with surprise surprise a younger work colleague. What a pathetic stereotype the man is.

I have completely taken a side and have made it plain to DH and DS that they can do what they want but I will not speak to the husband again unless it’s a case of I had to and whilst being with my friend, a family event for instance to be her support. What is unusual is he was my mate first as we met at work and lift shared for years so spent a lot of time together on a long commute.

Hell would freeze over before I went on a couple outing with him and his new GF.

When I left my husband many years ago there was no-one else involved but I instigated the break up and as a result I accept I gave up our mutual friends.
I totally agree with you OP and I couldn't do it. Your friend needs your loyalty at this time and you are right to give it to her. You are not stopping your husband from seeing his friend and let him go out with them on his own if he wants to but their are some principles worth sticking to and this is one of them.

DH says that I need to 'get over it' and he 'expects' me to do this.

hahahaha. You have 2 choices: tell him to fuck off telling you what to do. Or, and this is my preference, go with them and be utterly charming in the way that lets the other woman know you are absolutely needling her and not up for being friends.

Then you won't ever have to do that again.

The idea that a husband, of 1, 25 or 40 years, thinks he can say something like this to his wife is absurd.

He has a very weird take on “loyalty” here….

You are in the right OP, 100%!

Out of interest, who were friends first? You and your friend or him and the DH? Just curious, not that it would change anything.

I would have responded

'And I expect you to be a supportive husband and understand that I will not be doing this. Its seems we're both going to be disappointed in our expectations'.

He cannot force you

You could make it clear that if he tries to orchestrate the situation you will be very blunt with the pair of them and ask some very uncomfortable questions. So it won't be a dinner anyone enjoys.

That you will not discuss this issue again as you do not intend to have a relationship with either of them and will be supporting your friend.

The carry on being the amazing and strong friend you are. She's lucky to have you in her corner.

You are absolutely right. He is angry because he’s worried it will be embarrassing for him to explain to his friend. (Tough.)