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Original poster

I actually think this may be a deal breaker for me.

363 replies

DancingDucks · 15/06/2025 20:16

My closest friend of 30 years split up with her DH about a year ago. Her DH is my husband's best friend, also if around 30 years. He left my friend and their children for another woman and she was left heartbroken. I've supported my friend through this, DH is also fond of her, well I thought he was, and although he says he doesn't agree with what he did, still sees her DH.

I don't really have an issue with that, they've been through a lot together and are very close. Here is my issue. DH wants to go out for dinner with him and his new girlfriend as a four. I have said absolutely not. I feel like he just wants to replace my friend with this new woman and it would break my friends heart if I suddenly buddied up with her, plus, I really don't want to.

I accept he wants to see his friend, but I absolutely will not sit and pretend that it's lovely and cosy with him and the woman he was shagging in my friends bed, when their children were asleep. I have no interest in seeing either of them.

DH says that I need to 'get over it' and he 'expects' me to do this. I absolutely will not. We've been together 25 years and married for 22, mostly all good but I can't believe he won't respect how I feel about this, or that he would put me in this position. He's so angry that I won't and I'm so angry that he expects me to. It feels like I'm talking to someone I don't know.

OP posts:
Devianinc · 16/06/2025 01:59

Believe me, he’ll be just as cold if you break up.

YourFairPlumPeer · 16/06/2025 02:00

Pollntyme · 16/06/2025 01:09

I think it’s a control /macho thing. He wants to show his friend, who sounds like a misogynist, that he too has his woman “under control”. He feels he will look foolish if he has to say she’s refused the invite.

When he is saying to OP you need to be loyal to me it feels like he’s meaning you need to submit to me but isn’t using that word. He knows full well that marriage vows of loyalty are nothing to do with scenarios like this. He’s asking for unquestioning obedience from her.

He isn’t caring about her feelings at all, let alone her friends. What a shame. I’d be so disappointed.

I’d also be worried that he was more similar to his friend than I’d realised in terms of his values and attitude towards women.

Show quote history

Perhaps I'm being generous, but I'd think its likely more that he wants to keep the friendship "normal", e.g., with partners present at meet-ups.

That would not be a reasonable ask in the circumstances though, and certainly not a reasonable expectation.

Horses7 · 16/06/2025 02:13

You are in the right here.
Your’e a good friend, continue to support your friend in any way you can.
Your husband is being an idiot and is putting his friend’s feelings above yours - that should never happen if he loves and respects you.
Stand your ground and do what is right.

Interested in this thread?

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Relationship problems
Devianinc · 16/06/2025 02:31

Did you ever think your husband could be so cruel. I never thought mine would be but men aren’t emotionallil people unless it hits him in the pocketbook. I’m amazed reading this thread over the years how disingenuous, unfeeling, unsympathetic men are. It’s unbelievable and it’s everywhere and every continent. I don’t get it but it’s true. I don’t say it but most men are are cruel selfish narcissists.

Notsosure1 · 16/06/2025 02:52

DancingDucks · 15/06/2025 21:51

He said to me that my loyalty should be to him. I have supported him through some awful times over the years, but he cannot expect me to just be 'loyal' about something I find so out of order. I feel that's really disrespectful to me and he shouldn't be putting me in this situation. I've told him I'm not going and he can do what he wants with that info, I'm just not going.

And what about his loyalty to you? Dickhead

Notsosure1 · 16/06/2025 02:55

CRCGran · 16/06/2025 01:46

I'd be furious with my husband so quickly and readily accepting the betrayal of our friend. I'd be asking him why he's OK with the cheating and lying. And if the female friend had had the affair would he be so keen to accept that and go out with her and the new man, or would that be disloyal to his male friend??

Excellent point

NattyTurtle59 · 16/06/2025 05:05

Wow, I seem to inhabit a different world to the rest of you! I agree that it must be difficult, but come on, it happened a year ago. I don't believe in taking sides in a marriage break up and think it is childish to do so. Your friend needs to move on, and so do you.

kkloo · 16/06/2025 05:10

NattyTurtle59 · 16/06/2025 05:05

Wow, I seem to inhabit a different world to the rest of you! I agree that it must be difficult, but come on, it happened a year ago. I don't believe in taking sides in a marriage break up and think it is childish to do so. Your friend needs to move on, and so do you.

It's far more childish to be a fence sitter.

I wouldn't want to be anywhere near him, my loyalty would be to my friend 100%.

SatsumaDog · 16/06/2025 05:21

I agree with you. Absolutely no way I would do it.

EvilNextDoor · 16/06/2025 05:43

I’ve been in a similar situation.

Dh is/was friends with the bloke who cheated on my friend he also treated her appallingly (he used sex workers left her with a sti and eventually left her for another woman)

Dh friend couldn’t understand why I wouldn’t integrate with the new woman, when I’d spent hours with his ex wife helping her untangle the giant mess he left her and her children with.

Dh asked once if I’d do a meal with this person and his other woman and was very politely told to piss off, I would never do that to my friend, he never asked again and over time I noticed that Dh cooled his friendship (I think he worked out that the friend was a complete jerk) we’d had many discussions on how awful the situation was and how terribly my friend has been treated.

Your husband needs to respect your decision…he sounds like a complete arse expecting you to do something you don’t agree with

froglet99 · 16/06/2025 05:50

NattyTurtle59 · 16/06/2025 05:05

Wow, I seem to inhabit a different world to the rest of you! I agree that it must be difficult, but come on, it happened a year ago. I don't believe in taking sides in a marriage break up and think it is childish to do so. Your friend needs to move on, and so do you.

So you’d be totally ok with your best friend socialising with an ex and the woman he cheated with? Wouldn’t sting at all?

What’s childish is pretending to be sooooo cool and unbothered that you’d be fine with this behaviour.

thepariscrimefiles · 16/06/2025 05:59

DancingDucks · 15/06/2025 21:51

He said to me that my loyalty should be to him. I have supported him through some awful times over the years, but he cannot expect me to just be 'loyal' about something I find so out of order. I feel that's really disrespectful to me and he shouldn't be putting me in this situation. I've told him I'm not going and he can do what he wants with that info, I'm just not going.

Has he ever been so high-handed and dictatorial about anything before this? It does seem odd that he feels so strongly about this as he must know how much your friend's DH has hurt her and their children and that you have been providing support to your friend. Is this completely out of character for him?

You are definitely 100% in the right to refuse to go and to support your friend. I'm just wondering why he is so desperate for you to attend this dinner date with his friend and his other woman. Do you think that the friend might have some information about things your DH has done and is threatening to tell you? Surely your friend's cheating DH knows how close you are to his ex-wife so wouldn't be surprised if you didn't attend.

If the situation had been reversed and your friend had been cheating on her husband, would your DH be happy to attend a meal with your friend and her affair partner or would he feel as though he was betraying his best friend?

Genevieva · 16/06/2025 06:01

DancingDucks · 15/06/2025 21:51

He said to me that my loyalty should be to him. I have supported him through some awful times over the years, but he cannot expect me to just be 'loyal' about something I find so out of order. I feel that's really disrespectful to me and he shouldn't be putting me in this situation. I've told him I'm not going and he can do what he wants with that info, I'm just not going.

Dinner with his friend and the new girlfriend isn’t how loyalty is shown. You have accepted his continuing friendship. He needs to accept your comfort zone. Maybe a a few years your friend will have met someone else and be in a happy place. At that point, meeting the woman who broke up their marriage might be easier. Until then, he needs to work on understanding that he doesn’t get to demand loyalty by expecting you to follow his orders.

Notmyrealname22 · 16/06/2025 06:23

DancingDucks · 15/06/2025 21:51

He said to me that my loyalty should be to him. I have supported him through some awful times over the years, but he cannot expect me to just be 'loyal' about something I find so out of order. I feel that's really disrespectful to me and he shouldn't be putting me in this situation. I've told him I'm not going and he can do what he wants with that info, I'm just not going.

Turn it around on him. HIS loyalty should be to YOu on this, but instead he is putting his loyalty to his friend above you. Ask him to explain why he gets to expect you to support him in this when he won’t support you in your belief that cozying up with the OW is not on. Ask him what his position would be if your friend had the affair and you told him you expected him to sit and have a cozy dinner with her and the OM while his friend was broken over this.

Tell him that’s it’s clear from this that he doesn’t really see a problem with a person having an affair and breaking up the family.

nordicwannabe · 16/06/2025 06:29

DancingDucks · 15/06/2025 21:51

He said to me that my loyalty should be to him. I have supported him through some awful times over the years, but he cannot expect me to just be 'loyal' about something I find so out of order. I feel that's really disrespectful to me and he shouldn't be putting me in this situation. I've told him I'm not going and he can do what he wants with that info, I'm just not going.

Your loyalty should be "to him"?!

How about his loyalty to you? Why does he think that's less relevant?

thepariscrimefiles · 16/06/2025 06:29

NattyTurtle59 · 16/06/2025 05:05

Wow, I seem to inhabit a different world to the rest of you! I agree that it must be difficult, but come on, it happened a year ago. I don't believe in taking sides in a marriage break up and think it is childish to do so. Your friend needs to move on, and so do you.

It's not childish for OP to completely revise her opinion of her friend's ex-DH based on his behaviour towards her friend and their children and decide that he is a horrible person that she doesn't want to be friends with or socialise with.

OP's friend's ex-DH had sex with his affair partner in the marital bed while his children were asleep. Most people with a moral compass would take the side of the betrayed friend in this marriage break up.

Flamingoknees · 16/06/2025 06:53

He's putting his relationship with his friend, and his friend's feelings, above you, and your feelings.
Stick to your guns.

LittlePurpleClouds · 16/06/2025 06:58

I wouldn't, my main principle being that you knew this friend before your DH. Not that per se, but honestly lifetime friends are one in a million. They are really hard to come by, many people don't have them, and you never find them again. If he doesn't understand that, more fool him.

Codlingmoths · 16/06/2025 07:02

DancingDucks · 15/06/2025 21:51

He said to me that my loyalty should be to him. I have supported him through some awful times over the years, but he cannot expect me to just be 'loyal' about something I find so out of order. I feel that's really disrespectful to me and he shouldn't be putting me in this situation. I've told him I'm not going and he can do what he wants with that info, I'm just not going.

’My loyalty to you was stated in my wedding vows dh - key word wedding vows, remember those ones we made to each other? It’s conditional upon you having a fundamental respect for marriage otherwise I wouldn’t even be here would I?

Shinyandnew1 · 16/06/2025 07:09

He said to me that my loyalty should be to him.

He wants you to blindly agree to do whatever he wants, even though you don't want to? That's not marriage, that's staff!

EdithBond · 16/06/2025 07:10

DancingDucks · 15/06/2025 21:51

He said to me that my loyalty should be to him. I have supported him through some awful times over the years, but he cannot expect me to just be 'loyal' about something I find so out of order. I feel that's really disrespectful to me and he shouldn't be putting me in this situation. I've told him I'm not going and he can do what he wants with that info, I'm just not going.

100% with you, @DancingDucks.

Your loyalty is to your friend. It’s shocking your DH has this attitude. It’d make me go off someone if they were like that.

If he doesn’t understand, ask him how he’d feel if you took a younger lover behind his back, slept with him on your bed while your children were there, left your DH for him. And then his best mate (and the new gf, of course) came to dinner with you and your new beau. Because it’s time to move on. How would he feel?

LittlePurpleClouds · 16/06/2025 07:16

Did your DH know it was going on at the time?

CRCGran · 16/06/2025 07:21

LittlePurpleClouds · 16/06/2025 07:16

Did your DH know it was going on at the time?

Good question....... did he ?? I'd be asking. And for how long did he know?

Pollntyme · 16/06/2025 07:24

YourFairPlumPeer · 16/06/2025 02:00

Perhaps I'm being generous, but I'd think its likely more that he wants to keep the friendship "normal", e.g., with partners present at meet-ups.

That would not be a reasonable ask in the circumstances though, and certainly not a reasonable expectation.

Show quote history

It’s one thing if he just asked OP, but the way he’s going on about it after she declined the invite is so heavy handed that I do think some misogyny is at play here. It’s more than just wanting your wife at a meet up.

It’s one thing inviting your wife , but then when it’s clear your wife doesn’t want to you would obviously drop it if you had any respect for her.

For him to double down and insist his wife must do this thing that conflicts with her values and possibly hurts her friend, is very telling. His whole way of speaking to her about this matter is dictatorial.

What I’ve found is a lot of men who are secretly (or openly) misogynist don’t like challenging each other for bad behaviour. And they don’t like people associated with them challenging the bad behaviour of other men either.

By his wife taking this stance, he may see it as a call-out and criticism of his friends behaviour and he doesn’t like that.

It’s one thing to comfort their friend - the woman his mate left , but he draws the line at himself or his wife calling out his mates behaviour by declining an invite.

Swedemom · 16/06/2025 07:27

OP, it sounds like your husband doesn't think infidelity is a big thing and something to be upset about. Think about that for a minute and what that may put your relationship trough...

He also sas you have to choose between him and your friend? I'd be questioning everything about my partner at this stage.