2 kids in private school, sending 3rd child to state. Thoughts please.

[ThirstyMeeples]

Hi, I’m interested in opinions please about this. I have 2 children in private secondary school and our 3rd child is approaching the end of primary state school.
With the increase in VAT, it’s just much more of a financial stretch now. We could just about afford to send DC3 but would come at a cost to lifestyle. Also DC3 is more self motivated than her siblings and is less likely to need the individual attention that the older 2 get in private school. Our local state school has its issues with behaviour but is overall pretty good and friends’ kids have done well there.
But I’m struggling with the idea of not treating them equally and it becoming a source of contention in the future.
Has anyone else done similar?
Thanks for your thoughts.

Depends on the private school. There is a big range in both the private and state sector.

That would most likely destroy your future relationship with your youngest, you're effectively punishing them for being more self motivated. Treat them all equally, either they all go or put them all in state and use the 2x fees to suport all 3 with extracurricular and tutoring.

Depending on age gaps, won't the oldest be nearly at the end of secondary anyway? Moving them to state collage (or whatever post 16 pathway) with the expectation that the others will do the same would be another option to avoid 3 x fees while keeping things fair.

No, you’ll need to either sacrifice your lifestyle or take the other 2 out.

Wow, can't believe any parent would consider this! Way to give your youngest lifelong self esteem issues and a poor relationship with family!

I thought you were going to say she didn’t want to go.

OP of course you can’t do this.

Why did you send the other two to private school? Presumably because you wanted to invest significantly in their education and because you felt that the state school was lacking in some way?

But now it’s fine?

Why not take the older two out instead and send them all to the same school?

this.

It is no different for those of us who had a bright eldest child and sent them to grammar school. Do you think I thought that I would not let DS1 try for grammar school because he had 3 younger siblings and they may not get in and then how “unfair”, and sibling rivalry etc blah blah blah. So I should have sent him to the local coed comp and not even the better single sex local school, because that would be so unfair on his sisters. You have to work within what is available at the time. Same for universities later on. Some of them end up costing much more because they go to an area with much higher rents, so what. Some have expensive hobbies and some have additional needs and require much more time, attention and therapy.
And DD doing GCSEs right now thinks it is unfair one of her older siblings got teacher assessed grades during Covid and never had to go through actual GCSEs?
There is such a thing as force majeure, events beyond your control. Covid was one huge such thing. VAT on private school fees is another. I think it is absolutely ridiculous that anyone would suggest that the OP downsizes to pay for private school fees after they went up 50% or more in just a few years. Combo of cost of living, Covid, Truss, Government private school VAT. It is beyond her control. An intelligent child will understand perfectly especially if the older two go to State Sixth Form. What child wants the pressure of losing their family home just to attend a school, makes zero sense.

My Mum would have a fit reading this. It was always a very big deal to her that my brother and I were both educated equally. There was huge bone of contention between my Nana and her brother because he was sent to a very good school while she went the local convent school, she never forgave her mother for that. Even as recently as the 90's when my brother and I were both starting new schools people would tell her it was more important to send her boy to a good school, when he daughter would be fine local comp. My parents scrimped and saved to send us both to private school and going from an annual holiday abroad to two in six years never bothered us. Send all to private school none, I knew quite a few girls who left half way through because parents couldn't afford to send their younger sibling to the same school.. Have you looked it bursaries or fee aid, some schools will offer a discounted price to siblings to keep them in the school?

OP have you looked at what it costs to downsize assuming you aren't also intending to move eg from London to Norfolk or currently own a mansion and an estate and are going into a semi? Anyway what other folk have said which is you cannot do this to your third child.

I get it OP - we fortunately only have one year left, but would never have been able to finance two, let alone three with the Vat on top.
I would be wary of treating siblings differently though - every set of siblings I know that don’t get on as adults are a group of three. Should have stuck at two, or had four and used the local comp!

You can't do this. I know families that have been broken by parents deciding to do this

you don't tell the child that! It would cause its own problems later on, do you not see that?

No not a good idea. Will also create issues between the siblings. Your DC3 is self motivated now but what if this changes in the next few years.

My siblings and I were older two at private and youngest at state.

This was primarily because the oldest two were on scholarships which made the private school affordable, the third came along later and would not have got any scholarships.

The youngest had a tutor outside for a bit of extra support, and other unintended benefits like they got taken on more family holidays when the older two went off to uni. It's fair to say the standard of their education in an academic sense was not as good but they probably came out of it all a bit better adjusted re how society works.

It was never an issue for any of us siblings, we've all got our bug bears as adults and none of us is very successful if you were measuring by conventional methods, but this situation was not the reason behind anything major whatsoever.

you can't do that, it will stay with your third child forever.

Lifestyle sacrifices Vs Third Child feeling as valued as their siblings? No brainer

Doesn't sound like from your post it would be financially crippling and its only for a limited period. Not really that much of a sacrifice.

So OP - you have said the older 2 will exit at the end of GCSE year presumably to go to a state sixth form college. If you have one in year 10 now then you perhaps consider that for one year only you will have three sets of fees to pay. That maybe a stretch however it means that once the eldest has left you are back on two sets of fees. Does that put a different perspective on things?

We will be doing similar, however we never intended to send any to private school. Apart from anything it's only recently we could afford it (although now it's now pushing us into debt and I may lose my job next year which could mean it all changes).

We sent our middle first she has multiple SEN but not aggressive so often overlooked and when she started secondary she really didn't cope. Moved her to private and she thrived she be leaving next year after her GCSES.

Our eldest has some SEN but not as complex as her sister had some inheritance and used that to go just for A Levels, after the accumulation of having to cope became to much.

The youngest is currently in a great primary that his sisters went to and does have SEN (yes clearly we have great genes), he's a few years off so something might change but we currently have no plans to send him, although if he struggles in secondary and I still have a well paying job we'll look at switching him to do GCSES or A levels.

I'd love to send him as DD is a completely different person it's frustrating that children with SEN are so often badly let down by the state system. I would have liked the "funding" from VAT (and a load more) to have been put into better SEN provision including smaller state schools but that is never going to happen.

I’m not sure if it’s been mentioned but a lot of people are doing this plus there’s already currently a massive demand for secondary places so you won’t necessarily be allocated your nearest secondary (happened to us so we had 2 children at different schools).

I don’t see a problem with not sending all children to same school, but it does highlight that this can cause problems in families which may be more to do with individual family dynamics and making sure each child feels loved and valued regardless rather than the schooling itself.

The only way you can get away with that is if #3 is begging to go to state school and they think it's their idea and choice to do differently to their siblings.

If it's not a strong preference and you'd otherwise choose private school for the third, you either find a way to send them all or you have a family meeting and tell them all that the VAT changes mean you can no longer afford private school, so they are all going to have to change.

Equal opportunity is very important to prevent a future of 'they always got everything!'

I was your third child. Arguably I’ve done just as well in life as my siblings, and we’ve all had our share of challenges. I never got to experience ce the type of sport, arts and other non academic privileges they had access to at their schools, and they both have stronger ‘networks’ than I do, in terms of knowing someone who knows someone etc, etc, I cannot deny it has rankled over the years. In your shoes I could not do it to a child of my own

Downsize, free up the money then send DC3 to private school.

Agree it would work and be ok if it's dc3's choice, take them to both open days.

They might opt for the state school especially if they have more friends going there

@godmum56 - show me any 14/15 year old who does not ask questions why you end up moving house? You have to explain it to the kids.
Do you really think you can shield kids from financial stress? It is not possible.
I have always chosen to be completely honest with my children.
In both DH and my wider family, we have moved house, abroad, some are creatives, others are this that and the other and education was always fluid and adjusted to the child’s needs at the time. Everyone gets on and everyone seems to have made the most of their life.
This whole ideology that you sit in one place with 2 kids and can plan everything perfectly for life is not possible.

Talk to her about it. Does she have friends going to the state school? If so she may actually prefer it. But it will be better to be her decision really, unless you absolutely can't afford it in which case you could explain it with the change in prices and not wanting to disrupt the older DCs schooling by changing schools when she's older if she resents it.

Not fair at all, unless she would prefer to go to state school. If she wants and expects to go to the same school as the other two then you will have to stretch to afford it.