2 kids in private school, sending 3rd child to state. Thoughts please.

[ThirstyMeeples]

Hi, I’m interested in opinions please about this. I have 2 children in private secondary school and our 3rd child is approaching the end of primary state school.
With the increase in VAT, it’s just much more of a financial stretch now. We could just about afford to send DC3 but would come at a cost to lifestyle. Also DC3 is more self motivated than her siblings and is less likely to need the individual attention that the older 2 get in private school. Our local state school has its issues with behaviour but is overall pretty good and friends’ kids have done well there.
But I’m struggling with the idea of not treating them equally and it becoming a source of contention in the future.
Has anyone else done similar?
Thanks for your thoughts.

I know a family that sent one private and one state. But the younger child was adamant she wanted to go to the local state school that all her friends were attending. I think they were relieved as they’d have struggled to put two through private. I do think they pushed the older child (boy) to private as extended family wanted that and offered to pay some. The state was an outstanding state (my DC all attended and all got top grades) so that helped. They got similar GCSE grades.

In your case I think i’d take a short sacrifice on holidays given that the older two will have both left in 2yr, then you’d only have one set of fees. I think you’re setting yourself up for a lifetime of questions about why one child didn’t get as good an education as their siblings. I think now you’ve committed you need to see it through. If you genuinely could not afford it that’s one thing, but a couple of years of no holidays won’t be a massive sacrifice. It’s a lesson for those who have a few DC and don’t earn a huge salary. Prices increase and wages don’t always keep up with that.

So one year left for one kid and two for the next?

Child 1 (current Y10) will be in Y11 in 2025/26. Fees cost = £A including uplift for VAT & price rises
Child 2 (current Y9) will be in Y10 in 2025/26. Fees cost = £B including uplift for VAT & price rises
Child 3 (current Y5) will be in Y6 in 2025/26. Fees cost = £0 if in State. Or £C including uplift for lower fees & price rises in primary.

Total expense: A+B+C

The following year 2026/27

Child 1 in state 6th form. Fees cost = £0.
Child 2 in Y11. Fees cost = £B
Child 3 in Y7. Fees cost = £C

Total expense: B+C
20% VAT on both < £A from 2025/26
0.6 x £A is surplus/reallocated to household budget/pays for that holiday.

The following year 2027/28

Child 1 in state 6th form. Fees cost = £0
Child 2 in state 6th form. Fees cost = £0
Child 3 in Y8. Fees cost = £C

Total expense: £C.
There is no way that 20% VAT on one set of fees (£C) is as much as two sets of fees (£A+£B) including VAT.

Or, if you want to mess around with formulae,

£C2027 < (£A2026 + £B2026 + £2026) < (£A2025 + £B2025 + £C2025)

£C2027 < (£0 + £B2026 + £C2026) < (£A2025 + £B2025 + £0) if state primary or private primary fees are lower than secondary fees.

£C2027 < (£B+C2026) <= (£A+B+C2025) if private primary.

Lower school fees in secondary also tend to be lower than upper school secondary. Which could represent more money to go back into the household budget. It's unlikely that your household income will decrease by an amount sufficient to wipe out all of those gains from a reduction in costs and to absorb non negotiable expenses (ie, bills).

At most, you're maybe looking at maybe a couple of holidays to knock until after the second completes A levels - so two.

I'm not taking into account university maintenance for 2026 or 2027 as you'd have to do that whether child A (and B in 2027) are in state or independent. Or maybe they take out a student loan instead of being fully funded. Or maybe one or both do Gap Years and work. And they will have both likely graduated by 2031 /be working when Child C finishes Y11.

Take all the kids out of private or sacrifice the lifestyle. You need to give them all the same opportunities to succeed.

Do you have grammar schools in your area, could she get a place in one? You have to treat your children all the same when it comes to finances, you know that, but it doesn't have to be all at the same time or with identical things.

Where I live there are grammar schools nearby and I know a few people whose children went to one or other of them. They are very good schools too. The local independent schools give decent scholarships and bursaries. However the comprehensive is excellent too, produces good results. Have a look around and see what is available, also take your child's opinions into account, it's important that she is happy wherever she goes to school.

Oh well.

Lifestyle.

It's a no-brainer. Why are you asking?

Can't give up the skiing, can we?

Treating people equally doesn’t necessarily mean treating them exactly the same. It depends on the individual. I don’t like the idea that state school is ‘lesser’. Of course there are some state schools that experience more challenges than others, but there are also those that offer a range of opportunities to their students.

Will the older two treat the younger one differently? What happens if the state school doesn’t meet your expectations?

I never understand the logic of living in a tiny house and sending kids to private schools you can barely afford when you could just take all those hundreds of thousands of pounds and buy a lovely house in catchment for a great state school. Seems bonkers.

No

I’d do it the other way around if I had to, I’d put them in private for the exam years.

I agree you can't do that. We were also tempted to do the same but mu DH absolutely refused and sad kids should have equal opportunity.

Clearly it is right to let the older 2 stay where they are.
If the younger one want to go to a state school with friends that is fine but I would really try to treat them equally if you can even if you have to take weekend jobs to fund the 3rd set of fees

In my honest opinion you either send all three to private school, or you pull the other two out of private school and they go to state school alongside their sister. You will cause lifelong rifts if you cause a separation like this and invest in two children and not one. You could easily justify with the older two saying that due to the VAT increase unfortunately it's not financially viable anymore.

If you are planning on moving the other 2 after year 11 then I think it’s fine. Your other 2 aren’t really at a point you could move them.
perhaps dc3 could have the option of going in 6th if it might benefit her then, but you might find it’s not necessary. Hope she does well and I know a few families who’ve mixed and matched and seems to have worked out ok.

I think it is fine - private school isn’t a golden ticket. If DC3 is self motivated many children get A*s in state school and do incredibly well. I would be concerned if one child was a lower achiever and therefore put at a disadvantage long term. If you cant afford it what can you do.

If she is happy to go to the state school then I can't see what is so terrible about it. I wouldn't have wanted to go to a private school, I couldn't have cared less about what my siblings did (not that I actually had siblings).

Well, that's really the point. It's about treating one child very differently, which is never a good idea

This

Agree with everyone else that you’re now in a position where you HAVE to send your third child even if you need to remortgage the house to make it happen. Otherwise you will never hear the end of it for the rest of your life.

This isn't a state v's private argument. It's about treating 3 children fairly.

You absolutely cannot do this to your 3rd child.

I understand your thought process but there is a high risk of the youngest feeling resentful at some point and that she was not as important to or loved by her parents. This could happen even if she does well at school and ends up with the most successful career. Could you take on some extra hours at work or some private work to stop you having to downsize the house? Then live frugally until the oldest goes to sixth form which isn't very long. Or could you borrow from family and start repaying once you only have 2 in private school?

i disagree with the majority of posters on this thread. My sister went to a private school and I went to the local comp, it was never an issue. I’ve never thought that I was disadvantaged or treated unfairly.

You have to do what is best for your current circumstances.

The only problem would be one of your own creation. If you’ve badmouthed the local state provision in the past and told your children how fortunate they are to attend the private school, your youngest will have absorbed that message.

Yeah I’m not sure ‘a bright child will do well anywhere’ is right…. They might come away with 7s and 8s but the advantages of private school are massive, smaller classes, no behaviour issues… IME it’s more they might do well despite state school

You thought private school would be better for your children, didn't you? You thought you were giving them the best start in life and that you were amazing and a cut above everyone else. And yet you talk about being frugal and not having a big house as though you are saint and providing your children with something special. You haven't. What you have done is given them a sense that they are better than everyone else - which they aren't. They are not going ot be happier in life or more successful or nicer people. Just send your children to state school, like normal people, and stop with the hand-wringing. It's a no brainer. But you liked the idea that your children were in private school because it made you feel more successful. So delighted with the VAT. All children are equal, some should not be more equal than others. Makes my blood boil.

No. You shouldn't have decided on private school if you can't afford it for 3. You will just have to make sacrifices in order to give your 3rd child the same as the other two.

FIL sent DH to one of the most expensive independent schools in the country, his Uncles and Grandfather had been pupils on the maternal side. FIL had been a boarder at Charterhouse.. His sister was not sent to a private school she was viewed as a bit too dim so a waste of money plus FIL was a total misogynist. MIL was scared of FIL and would never have disagreed with him.

Their lives are very different, SIL is actually a horrible person but I do feel as if the bitterness, anger and some of her choices which have been bad are because of such unfair treatment as a child.