2 kids in private school, sending 3rd child to state. Thoughts please.

[ThirstyMeeples]

Hi, I’m interested in opinions please about this. I have 2 children in private secondary school and our 3rd child is approaching the end of primary state school.
With the increase in VAT, it’s just much more of a financial stretch now. We could just about afford to send DC3 but would come at a cost to lifestyle. Also DC3 is more self motivated than her siblings and is less likely to need the individual attention that the older 2 get in private school. Our local state school has its issues with behaviour but is overall pretty good and friends’ kids have done well there.
But I’m struggling with the idea of not treating them equally and it becoming a source of contention in the future.
Has anyone else done similar?
Thanks for your thoughts.

Lots of opinions here. None of your possible options are perfect, so you’ll need to compromise on something.

I think you need to have a conversation as a family. As long as all the children are bought in, you’ll be able to buffer the lack of “equality”.

The biggest impact on outcomes is the home environment, so by being able to go to France to practice speaking and learn about the culture, for example, you’re creating more opportunities for your child than a year of private school. I’d share that with my children.

Take the best things from the private school and see if you can do them independently e.g. lamda and Abrsm tutors and exams.

I think it would be irresponsible to impose economic uncertainty and a physical move on your family. You’re doing the best you can, so let them know that, and they’ll know they’re loved and at the heart of your decision making.

As a teacher in a private school, I think we are going to see more and more of this situation. We have had several parents withdraw their younger children this year to go to state, to be able to afford to enable their older ones in Years 10-12 to stay and finish their exam years. The VAT hike has tipped the balance between fees being just about manageable with a few sacrifices, to unaffordable for a lot of our parents. So the OP is not alone in having to make this kind of difficult choice.

I think what's important is involving your child in the conversation and helping them to understand what the options are and why you would not automatically send them to the same school as their siblings. An 11 year old is more than capable of understanding that 5 years ago when their older sibling was going into Year 7, the fees were, say, £15,000, but now for them, the fees would be £25,000, and that difference of £10,000 means that the choice is not as straightforward.

My brother and I went to private school but our older sister didn't - she was several years older than us, born when my parents were very young, and they waited to have my brother and I until they were a bit more established. By the time we were of secondary school age, my dad had established himself in his career and wanted to send us to private school. My sister had already finished school by that point and had gone to the local state secondary. There has never been any ill-feeling between us because of that - my sister couldn't care less!

Children can appreciate that when you have children going to school over several years, within that time, family circumstances can change and what was possible for an older sibling isn't always possible for a younger, or vice versa. In an ideal world we want to treat all of our children exactly the same, but life doesn't always work like that.

The resentment of the older children changing school in Year 10 and Year 9 and disrupting exam years due to their youngest sibling would be far worse in my opinion than the potential resentment of the youngest sibling of the older ones. This seems the worst solution and greatly benefits the youngest who settles in school from Year 7 and doesn’t have to change schools later.

I feel very strongly that it’s about choosing the right school for the child, and not disadvantaging one child (who might be more suited to a different environment) in order to keep things “fair” by sending them to the same school. My sister and I went to different schools, we each went to the one that suited us.

So it doesn’t need to be state vs private, work out the pros and cons for each school. If the private school has more benefits for the youngest, and the decision is made on this basis, it’s easier for the family to accept the lifestyle changes.

I think all 3 go or none do.That is fairest to me ,If she is already at a private school likely her chums will not be going to State! Likely she will lose touch with them.Presumably the older ones will have left, and gone to 6th form or college at some time before her.Like it or not Private School children have a huge advantage ,and most people would prefer it .My friends father paid for an expensive girls School for his granddaughter but not her siblings!This caused some resentment to say the least.

You cannot do this OP.
What you save in school fees, you’ll need later for a therapist.

My parents did this to me , brothers went private and I went to state. Caused massive discrepancy issues in our type of education, friends , lifestyle . Didn’t hurt my parents though , I’m the one who has been left looking after them in old age . Yep, I’m bitter . Please don’t do it

This

you don't have to tell them ALL the truth though. and you can frame it. eg

1. We have to move house because we are sending you to private school.
2. We had always had downsizing in mind when you got to secondary age because the house was a better investment than other ways of saving for your schooling.

It’s not about state school being ‘awful’, it’s the message you are sending your youngest child..

Like it or not, sending two to private and all that means (the extra curricular activities, the smaller class sizes etc) and one to state says ‘you weren’t worth the investment’ even if that isn’t your intention.

Even more so if there is a ‘cross over’ and the kids are in secondary school at the same time.

So sad people have to kill themselves scraping the penny together just to put their kids in private. Honestly there are such great state schools, even if it means moving to be nearer to them - surely that’s better than this pressure to sacrifice everything just to find a school which doesn’t necessarily mean better education or grades.

It seems that you’re living above your means OP, you surely must have anticipated that the school fees would increase year on year, did you just ignore that? I genuinely don’t know why anyone would pay private school fees in an area where there is good state provision, it’s madness. I know three families who did this in the area my children went to school, we had a boys and girls grammar, both of which were amongst the top schools in the country, yet they chose to pay for what can only be described as a mediocre private school. Unfortunately for them it was a total waste, as none of their children have reached the dizzy heights their parents had in mind, whereas the grammar school children have excelled.

Me and my older sibling went to state schools (very well thought of ones though, but not selective) and our youngest sibling, who is 8 years younger than me, went to one of the 'old' public schools from aged 11 on.
Long-term, there is no bitterness and this might upset some people, but there has been no difference in outcome, in terms of professional success or cultural difference. One caveat is that our parents did ask us older two when we were early teens if we we wanted to switch to private, but we declined, which might be part of the reason we aren't fussed.
I think in the 90s, the facilities at state schools, particularly secondaries, generally paled in comparison to private schools. I really don't think that now. I've heard many complain how shabby and lacking facilities some of the local preps are (East Berks)
😮😀

1st world problem

We had a 9.5% rise in Sept 24, 12.5% in Jan 24 and 3.9% for Sept 25. So that’s almost 26% over the space of 12 months. Pretty chunky, especially if you have more than one child.

This is horrendous and you know it. You’ve come here trying to find people to agree with you and justify your patent unfairness. It’s unforgivable.

God this thread is so dramatic! People commenting as if it’s Sophie’s choice and the third child is being sent to Borstal or something! I know several families where kids go to a mix of state and private thinking about it - kids have different needs / financial circumstances change.

I would also add that it's better for the whole family to be able to stay in their home and to enjoy holidays and a nice lifestyle rather than to have to move everyone, restrict everyone's opportunities, and create stress for both parents through finances constantly being tight, all to pay unnecessary school fees.

A choice was made several years ago to send all the children to private. That is now not possible. The children already in private have established their friendship groups and are starting exam courses - moving them now doesn't make sense, especially as you are going to take them out for sixth form anyway. Starting the younger one at the same school just to treat them equally, but then having to change all of their lifestyles dramatically as a result, is ridiculous when the local state school is very good and your daughter's friends are all going there anyway. She will not be disadvantaged by going there in any truly meaningful way.

I had a friend whose parents had 6 children and stupidly decided to send the first two to private, knowing they had four more to educate. In the desire to treat them all equally, they scrimped and saved and spent every penny on the children's education to ensure equality, eventually losing their home. The parents are now destitute and utterly reliant on their adult children to support them. None of the children feel that their private education was worth their parents' sacrifice and are now resentful that they all have to contribute money every month from their salaries to pay their parents' rent. It's a ridiculous situation that could have been avoided by the parents just being honest with the kids about the fact the finances didn't add up.

“Unforgivable” “horrendous” too funny! Back in the real world…

Did they get grammar school places though? I very much expect my DC at a super selective grammar to get better GCSEs than my other DC who goes to a decent but not highly academic independent. I will never consider this to be a waste of money. My privately educated DC was never going to get into the grammar. He’s happy and progressing well at his private school. That’s what I am paying for.

Enid voice of reason.

My post no doubt reiterating what others have said. We considered sending our DC3 to private due to their SEN and, being a different sex to the other two who were happy in their outstanding single-sex state school (DC3 couldn't have gone of course and also didn't get into the local oustanding state school all their friends went to), it felt reasonable to do so. However, all the priate schools we applied to rejected them due to the SEN (seemed like favouring profits over education and totally changed my view of private schools!) so all 3 in state now and thriving.

So intially, having considered sending some but not all of my children privately, I was going to be more on the fence, then I considered how I would have felt had my parents sent me, their DC3, to the local state school while my older siblings were both at private. And it would have really hurt - I'm not sure I would have got over it, even 30 years later. It would always have felt like them and me, this great divide. My DH and his older sibling went to a state school and younger sibling went private (parents had the money by the time they got to the younger one) and there has been underlying jealousy as a result. I also have a neighbour who went to state with his older sibling and the younger two went privately, and again it has caused a them and us feeling between them that is unlikely to ever be resolved.

So 100% agree with all the posters saying to send DC3 privately.

Friends sent their two dds private had to downsize their house! Their third is a son is a lovely lad and perfectly happy and thriving at the comp. He’s not daft he could see they couldnt afford it due to issues with dads job.

Really depends what’s best for the child and how good the schools are. Might the older two be leaving private for the same state sixth form that you are looking at for your youngest? That would help I think.

FWIW OP, am in the same position. Also have 3, eldest just about to the leave. The money has become insane. Younger two will both go state for sixth form where better schools become available to them and there’s not much in it in terms of results…

No behaviour issues at private schools? That's not been my experience whatsoever. Every school is different but private schools can present some very different but very, very challenging situations for children and adolescents.

My parents did this, I understood the reasons and decades later I’m not bitter and think I got a more rounded education, and have always been usefully employed (and went to RG uni). And it hasn’t affected my relationship with my sibling. It’s weird in my opinion that people just assume private is better because you’re paying for it anyway. Sometimes it really isn’t or it just isn’t necessary. Don’t think DH is yet over the trauma of boarding school for eg.

Come to think of it, my parent as the fourth child went state all through when their oldest sibling had gone private all through and the others a mixture because grandparents had run out of money by the time my parent was school age, but it was just a family joke, everyone understood and no one minded.

How your DC 3 feels about it now is important. Can’t you just lay your cards in the table and explain about the VAT being unknown when you sent the first? Can you explain that you will have to downsize? I’m not sure how much is appropriate to lay on a 10-11 year old in terms that they might see as ‘sacrificing to save the family’. I guess I don’t see attending state school as a sacrifice but it’s what your child thinks that matters.

Can you perhaps aim if at all possible that you will spend that amount of money on them in future eg fund a masters, or help more towards a flat deposit? Will they have friends going to the state school, they might actually prefer it?

I know several families where for secondary, children have done one private , one state, it’s not a problem and of the ones who went to state one just qualified as a doctor and another one just finished first year at Oxbridge if that counts as successful outcome of secondary school. I hope you find the answer that works for your family but I think it has always been common for children in a family to go to various kinds of schools.