2 kids in private school, sending 3rd child to state. Thoughts please.

[ThirstyMeeples]

Hi, I’m interested in opinions please about this. I have 2 children in private secondary school and our 3rd child is approaching the end of primary state school.
With the increase in VAT, it’s just much more of a financial stretch now. We could just about afford to send DC3 but would come at a cost to lifestyle. Also DC3 is more self motivated than her siblings and is less likely to need the individual attention that the older 2 get in private school. Our local state school has its issues with behaviour but is overall pretty good and friends’ kids have done well there.
But I’m struggling with the idea of not treating them equally and it becoming a source of contention in the future.
Has anyone else done similar?
Thanks for your thoughts.

Speak to the school.

Explain that you have a choice of removing your two DC in the school and sending all three to state, or sending all three to private, but you’d need a discount on rates and see what they say.

No, that is absolutely not an option. They need to all be treated equally and given the same opportunities educationally.

I have the opposite experience - our friends who were privately educated all earn/earned (quite a few retired in their forties/.early fifties) far more than our state educated friends and lifetime earnings/acquired wealth and assets are hugely different. There's no way of knowing if someone did 'better' in either because there's no comparison for that individual. I believe some children are better suited to one system than another but that depends on many factors.

Another, you can’t do it.

If you can’t afford to send the third you need to take the older two out of private. The amount of resentment this could breed would ruin family relationships in the future.

Thanks all. I’m heading out now so won’t be able to respond for a bit but have read all the comments with interest. Sorry to hear of so many families where there has been intentional favouritism and privilege given to one child. That’s definitely not the case in our family and I’m equally invested in all the DC and their education but it’s sad to read the stories where it’s driven families apart.

Very good points, and it's not even the issue here
The issue is treating all 3 children the same.

My sister in law is in her 60. Shenis still bitter her parents sent tbe 3 boys to private and her to the local grammar achool.

I would not do this personally. Can your youngest get a scolarship for a private?

There is also the consideration that being the child/children for whom huge family sacrifices are made to pay for education ie downsizing the family home, can put huge amount of pressure and responsibility and cause a whole different set of emotional issues than being the child who was sent to state because circumstances changed.

I know a very bright kid who had a mental health breakdown in the run up to a levels, where the pressure of knowing how much had been spent on his education was a factor.

A lot will depend on how you communicate and manage the decisions that you make, but all the posters saying just move house/have no holidays- while I get it, that’s not necessarily an better position for the kid to be in.

Definitely state secondary if local school is OK and that child was doing well in state primary and you are moving the others to state Sixth Form. The Government have massively interfered with private schools and so it’s perfectly rationale to do this. It’s a bit like when grammars were abolished, not like parents got a choice either. And many younger kids went to non selective schools. Having a nice family home and holidays together is much more important than private schools and you can spend some extra money on tutors and extra curriculars to make up for this for DC3. Maybe some extra cultural opportunities too? Like theatre, shows, trip to Paris etc

Way to create life long resentment and family rift. Don’t do this.

I'm the eldest. We're 59, 58 and 57 now and none of us went to private school so I can't gripe about that . However it does smart when people say 'well she's bright, she'll succeed wherever". That phrase has been used about me all my life. Oh Angelinas fine " you're a coper" blah blah. So the siblings ( both boys ) who come after you will be coddled and supported whilst you cope with what you have and the circumstances life throws at you . I have a life now that is materially far better than both of them but I'd have liked some help and support ( especially when I found myself as a single parent of 2 in my early 30s) and some of the financial help that went to them would have been enormously appreciated. Treat them the same. Your youngest child may well be motivated and fabulous and do well regardless but she might just do even better in a nicer environment . I was the eldest and expected to cope. My next brother is the favourite and my youngest brother will always be my mothers baby. Your daughter is the youngest and may well feel like an after thought if you don't treat her just the same as her siblings.
My BIL doesn't do things fairly. He ignores the children who are getting on quietly and gives everything to the child who whinges the loudest. The inequality is staggering and the resentment will tear them all apart when he's gone ( we know some of what he has gifted to his son whilst not doing the same for his 2 adopted daughters or his birth daughter).

I have 2 children - one at state and one in private. One in state got into private but wanted to go to the state school as it had a better vibe. Difference here is both kids got the same opportunity but chose to make different decisions. In your case child 3 doesn't sound like she will have the choice. Things to think about. Child 3 usually gets a 25% discount on fees and no holidays while hard would prevent resentment later. Good luck with the decision

Depends on your child does she want to go to private school. What schools will her friends go to. Different situation but my mum worked at a well performing school in next town me and my sister chose to go there. My brother wanted to go to the local one which wasn't anywhere near as good but didn't want to do bus ect and to be honest would have hated the strictness of it. It all depends on what your child is suited to and wants to do.

I think it would be unfair on the third child, this doesn’t seem right. I understand it’s a difficult decision for you, but if you’ve sent two of your kids to private school and the third ends up going to a state school, it could feel unequal. It just doesn’t sit right with me.

You say DC3 wants to go to state could a compromise be see how she gets on and in year 8 make a decision to whether to move her to private for GCSE's? By that point one if not both of your older children would have aged out? Yes she doesn't get quite the same experience as the older two but all three will have done GCSE's through that system?

I agree that there’s a risk here that the child may feel differently in the future but some children can know what’s right for them at that age. My experience was that at age 11, I didn’t want to go to a private school as I didn’t agree with private education, and as an adult I still agree with my 11-year-old self. Different situation to this as I was the elder child and my school wanted me to apply for a scholarship but still perhaps an experience worth sharing. I was also friends with two sisters, the elder of whom went to private and the younger to state. The elder wanted to go private and the younger didn’t - didn’t like the idea of it and wanted to be with friends at her state secondary. Neither has changed their minds about what was right for them as adults. Obviously these are not identical situations to the OP’s but, if the child doesn’t yet know that finances are an issue (and therefore what they say isn’t being influenced by that knowledge), then I think it’s worth taking into consideration what they say.

As I said, it depends on the school. Some will have more flexibility than others. But it would make sense from a cash flow perspective to offer a "buy 2 get a 3rd half-price" deal than it would to be rigit and lose two sets of fees. A school that is confident it could recruit 2 new pupils into the higher years to replace the older 2 siblings might be less accommodating. A school with a well established bursary system that is well used to functioning with an income that is based on less than half the pupils paying full fees and a scale of bursaries giving discounts between 10%-80% for others woulf balance the books fine giving 3 educations for the price of 2.

This is a good point. OP could opt for year 9 entry for the youngest after the other two have both completed year 11. I would opt for state sixth form for the oldest two and then reassess for the third once they are at that stage.

I assume your youngest is coming to the end of year 5, rather than year 6, otherwise this would be sorted already. So if your eldest is coming to the end of year 10, and you plan to move him/her for 6th form, he/she will have left the private school by the time the youngest starts. And your middle child will only have a year to go. So surely you’ll be spending the same amount as you currently do?

I think it depends which school your child wants to attend.

I haven't don't this personally, but I know people who have chosen to do this because different children were suited to different schools - but that was a child led decision, not a financial decision.

How much is your school putting up fees? I've not heard of anyone who is paying huge amounts more. But if that is the case for you, could you ask any family to help with the shortfall? Not available as an option to all I know. But worth thinking about.
If not then ai think the first step is to talk to the school your current children attend and see if they can help. What's the sibling discount available. Second, look around and see if maybe there is a cheaper school for number 3 to help balance the books. Third, consider whether state for all, with tutors and extra curricular making up the difference, is a viable option. If it's good enough for child 3 then it ought to be good enough for the others.
Finally, imagine the future conversation when your child asks why they didn't get a private education and all the privilege that comes with. No matter how you put it, ultimately it will come down to the fact you couldn't see a way to sacrifice more for them though their siblings got it. Equality amongst siblings is the only way. The absolute only times inequality is acceptable is a learning need that can't be accommodated by mainstream or one is a genius at something and gets a scholarship, thereby earning it for themselves.

Surely if you have one child in year 10 now then you will still only be paying for 2 kids to be there from September 2026??

I think it would be incredibly unfair to send DC3 to state school. You are already sowing that seed that they are less than the older two. We were in a similar position when the VAT came in, our DC1 had a place to start in reception at private school but we realised we would have to massively sacrifice everything else to send DC2 in a couple of years. So oldest went to state school instead, it’s simply unfair to send one and not the other.

Talk to the school and see if they can arrange a discount, bursary or similar. Giving up holidays is one thing, having to move house if your existing one is already modest is maybe another.

Any chance of grandparents contributing or even making you an emergency loan if you run into difficulties paying from income further down the line? (School will ask if you have asked for family support before asking them for financial assistance, so it's a relevant question.)

I wouldn't send two private and one state unless there were compelling non-financial reasons or unless it were now completely out of your reach.