2 kids in private school, sending 3rd child to state. Thoughts please.

[ThirstyMeeples]

Hi, I’m interested in opinions please about this. I have 2 children in private secondary school and our 3rd child is approaching the end of primary state school.
With the increase in VAT, it’s just much more of a financial stretch now. We could just about afford to send DC3 but would come at a cost to lifestyle. Also DC3 is more self motivated than her siblings and is less likely to need the individual attention that the older 2 get in private school. Our local state school has its issues with behaviour but is overall pretty good and friends’ kids have done well there.
But I’m struggling with the idea of not treating them equally and it becoming a source of contention in the future.
Has anyone else done similar?
Thanks for your thoughts.

My sister went to a private school, I went to the local state. I never once wanted to be in her school as I liked not having a sibling in my school. I would put them in the state school then see how they get on, they might like it and like that they are their own person and not someone else’s sibling.

That didn’t happen to me.

"Drama queens"? She's asked for advice. People are giving it. No drama.
ps are men ever referred to as "Drama kings"?

There’s a real exodus from
private at 6th form here as the state school classes are also smaller for al level and the disruptive nightmare ones have gone / grown out of it so those more strapped for cash question the value added - unless your child is seriously into sport which most aren’t by that age

My heart breaks for you OP, life can be so cruel. Your plight reminds me of when I had to skip meals to feed my child, one winter I had one pair of leaking boots and no money to buy new ones and it was a struggle to afford tights because all my money went on my child.

But there is hope! my chlld, my sister's children and all our friends children went to state schools, all went on to uni, one even went to Cambridge. All have good jobs and are useful well adjusted members of society. I know that state schools are hell holes stuffed to the gills with the offspring of lowly peasants such as me, but you will find a way.

Yes there are some epic drama queens on this thread! “Horrendous and uforgivable” just hilarious!

Perhaps that's their opinion. It's a discussion thread.

😂😂😂

Clearly she means leaving after GCSEs for state 6th form

My friend had this eldest 2DC private, next 2DC state. Two of the kids have fallen out and that was due to the perceived favouritism.

Do not do it OP

No, it's not fair on your youngest OP

You could well be right about her succeeding perfectly well at the state school, but you might want to consider how she’ll feel if something doesn’t work out well there - for example, if her grades are lower than her siblings, or if someone decides to pick on her, or if she doesn’t get picked for the netball team, or if she doesn’t get in to her chosen university or get a good job, or whatever. Of course any of these things could always happen at the private school too, but to her, they will happen because she’s at the state school (even if that’s not true at all - it’ll be what she thinks). And that’s where the resentment will come from.

It's a really shitty thing to do. I know this because I was the 3rd kid. In my case there was also a strongly sexist element as my older brothers went to the private school and I (the girl) got the bog standard comp.

My parents spoke a lot like you - justifying to themselves that I would "cope" in the bog standard comp. But it shows your 3rd child that you are not really prepared to invest in their education and that the other two are prioritised when in comes to using household finances.

It's not just the educational opportunities it fell into other elements as well that ended up being somewhat neglectful. Like the term in year 8 were my skirt was held together with a safety pin because they couldn't "afford" a new on (although my brothers got new uniform), the economising that mean I could not have a nice cotton summer school uniform dress but had to make do with a polyester knock-off from the market but new cricket bats were a necessity for private school. Hearing all of the time how hard up they were so never feeling I could ask for anything. In year 9 I really wanted to go on the school skiing trip but couldn't yet 2 weeks later they found the money for my brother to go on a expensive cricket tour. (my mother used to tell people that my school didn't run any school trips 🙄).

So basically I was left to "cope" alone which I didn't do very well and didn't achieve my academic potential until later in life. Even I was a bit shocked when my parents booked a holiday alone over A level results and left me to deal with University clearing alone in the house. When they came home my mother was "oh I knew you'd manage - you always cope".

Same as me. Sister went to a fancy private (got a scholarship), I went to the local state. Neither of us actually liked school and both left at 16. I never once felt jealous that she was in a fancy school that looked liked a stately home and I was in a typical 1960s built block. I’m still close friends with my group of state school friends over forty years later.

I'm sorry to hear this, @Lunde 💐.
It's sadly typical of some parents' attitude to daughters, and giving privilege to sons. I'm sure you've come ok, but that was cruel of them.

🤣I can actually visualise the lead balloon of the reaction to one child leaving university debt free while the other two are laden with debt. Given that the OP said all of her children expressed that they wanted to stay in the state sector with their friends for secondary, but the older two were persuaded the private option was better and they would make new friends, it would be a hard sell to pay off only one child’s university tuition fees, especially if they all perform similarly well academically. To save the money just in case one child flounders, and then not spend it when you think you “got away with it” would also not be a good look! The fact is, the OP would not be choosing state because she thinks it the better option for her third child, it would only be because it’s more affordable.

The most important issue is that your child goes to the best school for them. It may be state or private. But it must foster their interests, intellectual, sporting and creative levels, pastoral needs, future plans, and have a cohort your child feels confident will contain potential good friends who will be supportive of high achievement, not discouraging of it.

Show DC3 around several schools and ask which they love most. Then decide.

So your eldest has one more full year. Your middle has 2 more full years. Your youngest won’t start for another year. I can’t see a massive problem. You will only have two sets of fees once your youngest starts and the year after you’ll be quids in as your middle will leave for state 6th form. Unless I’ve completely misunderstood.

I don’t know what you mean by hit to your lifestyle ? Can you elaborate

if you are talking holidays, new car sacking the gardener and cleaner then you are outrageous to even consider treating a girl differently

if you are taking cancelling the dentist appointments , defaulting on mortgage removing granny’s home help then your daughter will have to be told to suck it up

personally I’d remove all three to state school and engage a few too quality tutors

I will say that I have a relative that was in a similar position and they are still really bitter about despite being retired and in their mid-60s now.

I think it’s very different if one sibling has extra educational needs - you’re trying to level the playing field so to speak and it’s understandable. But deciding two boys go and the girl doesn’t because of financial priorities (i presume due because OP hadn’t answered that question) sounds like a recipe for disaster and family fall out. Is the OP planning to give equivalent of money already spent to daughter for house deposit etc?

The OP has said that the older two are a boy and a girl, not two boys. The decision is purely a financial one - to downsize the house and forgo holidays, or to maintain lifestyle and younger one go to the state school. The OP thinks the state school would actually have been fine for all three of them, but can’t take back the fact she thought the private school was nevertheless better and was willing to pay a lot of money out to ensure the older children went to it.

Apply to state schools and, if you do not get the one you want, stay on the waiting list whilst your third starts at a private school and then move all 3 as places become available at your preferred state school. Top up with extra curricular sports clubs, music lessons and tutoring as required. You need to treat all three equally. Enjoy the extra holidays and other luxuries you will be able to afford. Put what you can into savings funds for uni for the three of them. Ensure the two changing schools see the benefit of having a greater disposable income.

As the majority say, it’s a no!

Just to put another side of it, my sister had to send her twins to private (long story but terrible situation in the local primary). She also had an older child who was perfectly happy. When it was mentioned to the older child as an option, her view was "Don't mind where you send them as long as I don't have to switch too. I love my school and I don't want to leave my friends" So they went ahead and sent the younger two. No problem.
A couple of years later, the secondary options for the older child were dire so they sent them privately too at that point.