2 kids in private school, sending 3rd child to state. Thoughts please.

[ThirstyMeeples]

Hi, I’m interested in opinions please about this. I have 2 children in private secondary school and our 3rd child is approaching the end of primary state school.
With the increase in VAT, it’s just much more of a financial stretch now. We could just about afford to send DC3 but would come at a cost to lifestyle. Also DC3 is more self motivated than her siblings and is less likely to need the individual attention that the older 2 get in private school. Our local state school has its issues with behaviour but is overall pretty good and friends’ kids have done well there.
But I’m struggling with the idea of not treating them equally and it becoming a source of contention in the future.
Has anyone else done similar?
Thanks for your thoughts.

You absolutely CAN do this, two of my brothers went private prep school, rest of us state.
So long as there is perceived fairness and choice - say your child doesn't like sport and all their friends are going to state then that's perfectly OK to offer to go state for that child. However if state child opts for a more expensive hobby then you cannot say no on financial grounds.

Not a chance that's okay
That will cause absolute trauma to your child. Image being the only one who didn't go to private school. That poor child will think about that ALL the time and why. They won't understand it.

Either send all 3 or pull the other 2 out.
Absolutely do not do this.

"it's weird that people assume private is better".
That's not the point. We know that a private education is a privilege. If not, why are people shelling out ££££?
You're giving it to 2 children and not the 3rd, that's the problem.

What is most interesting on all these threads is that now that parents are having to pull younger kids out of private schools or not send them in the first place, suddenly everyone is up in arms? I mean exactly what did anyone expect will happen with huge increases in private school fees?
All the parents with multiple children who were mixing and matching state and private are rethinking one way or another. There never were that many “private” all the way families in the first place for multiple kids.

I think the OP is getting a tough time on here. You make your best choices at the time with the information and resources you have available then. It’s not always easy to predict the future costs. The situation is complex here, because the costs have gone up so massively, and also, it’s hard to know at the outset what your children are like and what their needs will be .
Reading the responses with interest. I have 3DC, was always planning to send them all to state. Now however my eldest has dyslexia, and is struggling in a class of 30. I’m now considering for the first time whether I could send just her privately, for the extra support. But obviously I’m very worried about the long term impact of doing that and how the other two would interpret it.
Then again, for her it might be the difference between decent GCSEs and not which could shape the course of her whole life.
It’s not easy.

@ThirstyMeeples I know one family who have withdrawn all four of their children! the oldest only had one final year to complete her education! one out, all out!

Wow. Awful that you’re even considering this

Agree.
I know someone who's had to pull her child out of private because they can't afford the second one to go.

I think its the right and only fair thing to do.
I just cannot imagine a child understanding why their siblings got it and they didn't.
That's emotionally a very very hard thing to come to terms with.

I agree you can't pull out a Year 9 and Year 10 child. They need to leave at the end of Year 11, as it sounds like you are already planning.

I disagree with asking the child what they want to do. They are not mature enough to have a holistic view of what their choice means (and they are likely to be easy to persuade that the choice you want is the best one).

Have you factored in university costs (if that's likely to be a future direction)?

By my reckoning you will only have 1 year where there are 2 in private school simultaneously and that's a year away. So you have a year to tighten your belt.

You need to cut your lifestyle and treat them all the same unless you are prepared for some heavy duty resentment down the line.

I don't think it's necessarily a problem as big as everyone thinks. You could see how she finds the state school. It depends how you explain it to your children really.

Absolutely not. You can't treat your kids differently like this. You'll need to find someway to make it work.

Also DC3 is more self motivated than her siblings and is less likely to need the individual attention that the older 2 get in private school.

If I were the 3rd child, I'd be wondering why I was being punished for being good.

It will be shit forgoing holidays OP you have my sympathy. If the local state school is good which it sounds like it is I would seriously consider having them all in that one. Is working away with no holidays and no treats for years on end really sustainable?

My parents sent me to private school - because I wanted to go as it’s where my best friend was going. My sibling was offered the choice of private school (and went to tour around it with my parents) but wanted to go to the local state school as that’s where all their friends were going. It possibly means we aren’t as close as if we’d gone to the same school and had some of the same experiences/friendships - but if anything I regret not going to the local state school, not the other way around.

But surely at 11 she is old enough to make up her own mind? If she wants to go to the local state because her friends are there then I’d let her, especially if you are planning on withdrawing her siblings from their private eventually anyway. Does the local state have a sixth form so they would be in school together?

You'll have to find the money and suck it up.

It will be fine.

I'm one of 4 and we all had completely different types of education:

1 - state primary, private prep, state grammar
2 - private prep, private secondary, state grammar
3 - private prep, state grammar, state 6th form
4 - private prep, private secondary, public school

None of us feel anyone had a "better" set of schools as they were all handpicked dependent on our individual needs and what my parents could afford at any one time.

If you feel the youngest would feel they got a lesser option then why not bank enough money every month that you can pay the whole of university upfront when the time comes so that they graduate debt-free?

That way it's still education.

I think you can't do this if it is possible. I would send them all to state sixth form to shorten the amount of time you are paying for.

The opportunities, and access to certain activities in private schools, are far superior to state schools. Your 3rd child could end up seriously resenting you for not having the same opportunities or experiences.
You can’t deny them that just because they happen to be more motivated than the other two- if anything they deserve it more.

What do you mean by this?

surely they’d have to leave then anyway? So they would have completed their private education by that point?

I think it would be very damaging to send your third to state.

most schools offer a decent discount for third sibling, have you spoken to them about this?

It would be massively unfair to believe that private school provision was best for two of your children - with all it's benefits - and not for another.
Which of the schools will provide the best education (ignore self motivation) and platform for the rest of your daughters life? Send her there.

What does 3rd child think / want to do. My cousin sent one to private and one to state - it's never been an issue and they have both done well.

Going against the grain here, but I went to state school and my brother to private because my parents' circumstances had changed. I completely understood, never had any resentment and enjoyed my time at school (and came out with top grades). I don't see the big deal here 🤷‍♀️

I think you’ve missed the stage where you could have done things fairly.
I know people who put their children into private school until 11 and then they’ve taken the 11 plus and gone to grammar school so they stop paying fees for each child at that point. If they hadn’t passed the 11 plus they would have gone to a standard state school.
Another family that attended my children’s school put all their children through state primary and at the end of lower key stage 2 they move them to private school.
Circumstances do change over time so there will be families around whose children have had different schooling.
My cousin won a scholarship to a private school so vastly reduced fees, his brother went to a state school because he had no desire to go for the scholarship. They are both super successful in their fields but are not close at all, im sure that’s probably in part to their different schooling/people they mixed with.
If you can afford for her to go then she should, if you can’t to the extent that you would struggle to live day to day then obviously she won’t be able to, but you’d need to look at the ages of your other children and if it’s feasible to also move them.

Now with private schools being more expensive I think the “mix and match” approach will be more common. If one child is shy and quirky and miserable in a large state and the other is popular and confident and enjoys it it would be madness to make them both go private if money is an issue. So I think ignore the drama queens op and do what is right for your own circumstances.