Hears why not to have kids past 40

[menopausepluskids]

Light hearted (not).

I`ll start by saying i adore my children love them very much they are a joy most times.
But i want a bit of a rant on why i shall tell my kids not to have kids after 40.
Im 51 i have a 3 and 6 year old and i really thought i could do this.
Love them but wish i had them younger.

My mum is to old to help with child care.
Im tired and just want to sit or potter about not have to deal with nappies and potty training.
My mother always said if you want kids have them before 35 so you have freedom back.
No i wanted to live and i did but now i want to go on holiday at my age in peace read books do paintings cant do that now.

My youngest sister has two kids that are adults now and shes living it up as i say shes just turned 40 and had amazing birthday in spain.
Yes i was jealous a bit.
I admit i did look down at her when the kids were young i looked down on a lot of younger mums and im sorry (i didnt know how hard it was).

My life is now tantrums toys schools mum mum mum crying and waking at no later than 6am every day.

My friends and my sister have the perfect lifes lay in on the week ends dont have to cook go away at the drop of a hat.
Always plaining something.
Me i have to deal with dinners bath times etc.
I asked my sister to babysit for me a few months back and she flat out said no her right followed with you didnt help me.

My husband is full on but we did agree with each other we did leave it late.
Now my friend have grown up kids and doing different things while im stuck skint and well alittle jealous.
I will be telling my kids if you want kids when your older dont have them past 40.

I sit and think fuck me im still going to be school running and still have kids at home in my 70s.
Given my time again i would not do it or at least had them in my 30s.
Mix it all up with peri menopause lovely.

This is my karma isn`t it.

It was never my plan to have kids older but it takes 2 to tango as they say. Had both in early 40s, they are both amazing and have filled the gap in my life tenfold. I've never been so active. They've stopped me from living my life on a sofa and brought so much joy. Sure I'm tired but I think I would've been tired 10 years ago.

So stuff doesn't always get done around the house. Nevermind, we're happy!

It kind of backs up the theory that biologically we’re programmed to have our babies when we’re young so it is relevant.

I had mine at 26, and now I’m in my 30s I couldn’t imagine having another, I’m so much more tired now than I was in my 20s - the thought of having them in my 40s gives me the fear so much so I keep bugging my GP about getting my tubes tied, my mum is a grandma at 46 and says just a few hours with the grandkids knackers her out 🤣

We are "programmed" to have babies from menarche to menopause. As many women did in centuries past.

In those days babies didn’t live at 26 weeks, most babies wouldn’t survive early pregnancy if women were older and IVF clearly didn’t exist.

I had a four and two year old at 46 😁 I don’t know how I got through it to be honest (especially as a single mum). I think I just had the mantra Keep Calm and Carry On running through my head 24/7!

Oof I don’t envy you I’m afraid OP! I’ve just turned 52 and mine are 16 and 19, and I am bloody loving having my life back!

I’m 33 (34 in December) we’ve half said we will try next year. Is that still young?! I’d love to wait 5 years but I’m a huge Kelly Brook fan and heard about her fertility issues past early 30s and so I’m aware 35 onwards is risky? But I’m a sole legal counsel now, love my job, and we got married end of last year and bought a house end of 2023… I feel like we’ve finally got some freedom after rushing it all in post-Covid BUT I don’t want to be tired? Surely a year or two won’t make a huge difference or would you advise differently? This thread scares me. I can age backwards 😭

I hear ya OP. I’m 47 and have two DC 8 & 3. It’s hard!!

I’m 33 and would love to wait 2+ years to start trying but this thread scared me… my gran (maternal) had kids after 35 and my mum and aunt adored their parents and I loved my grandparents very much. I’m now sitting terrified (fuelled by rose) I’ll be an old mum that wishes my kids best years away because I’m tired?! (But then covid stole many of my late 20s then we did house 2023, married 2024, 4 honeymoons in 2025 and I got my dream job as sole legal counsel for a tech company 😩😩 I want at least a year to bed into my role!! Heck I’d love to go live abroad for a year?!) husband is 36.

I'm early 30's and mine are 10 & 8......sometimes I think I'd love another but then I just don't think I could cope with sleepless nights and not having time to myself again. I'm shattered most days as it is😅

I'm a year younger than OP and my child is 13. Perimenopause has been a big struggle since I turned 45, and it must be said I am SO glad to not have had to deal with a young child during these past 5 years. The idea of dealing with a 3 year old and 6 year old now brings me out in a cold sweat! I would say if you are lucky enough to be able to get babies done by 40, that's advisable.

There are pros and cons to having children early or later in life. Being later often means you've built a good career and have finances to provide a better stable life for them. My parents were a bit older when they had me and it means they can't help out as much practically now with my kids but I know we had a nice upbringing because they were established in their careers, had a nice home in a good area etc

If that’s true … why isn’t menopause at 25? Women who successfully reproduce over 40 have put their genes into the next generation for milennia. Those who can have many, children, and have them late rule the evolutionary gene pool.

I would advise you differently. The health of your future child should be considered, issues are more prevalent later in life, as are complications. Stay fit, eat well and ensure you build in time for delays. You can enjoy life after babies! We took ours with us everywhere and had a ball!

When I am 51, my children will be 29,28, 26 and 25. I am glad that I had them young, I am mid thirties now and feel a lot less energetic than in my twenties but a lot more emotionally wise to deal with the teenage years that we are in.

I’m 63 now with a 20 and nearly 23 year old and apart from a back injury (which could have happened any age) I feel pretty much the same as I did in my forties (I was a very young looking forty something). I sometimes think if one of my kids became a parent now I could very easily take on childcare, in fact I’d rather enjoy it. I wouldn’t at this age if they were my own but gc I could happily go to the school gates and give childcare to, even though finishing school gates was one of the happiest days of my life. Maybe it’s psychological when they are not your own 24/7.

Not everyone struggles in menopause, and menopause isn’t the only “struggle” women have at any age.

the don’t have children after 40 is rude.

I would advise anyone to start earlier, besides you don't know how long it will take. I still wish we had done it earlier but that's just not the way life went. Now we just make the best out of it. I worry for my kids for the future but I just do what best I can to set them up for life.

Most IVF is done around late 20s-30s. It’s not really that successful in your 40s. So it benefits 20-30yr olds who have fertility problems primarily.

Biologically women are able to have children until menopause kicks in. If we were ‘meant’ to have children younger then menopause would start in our 30s.

I don’t believe in a higher being telling us when we are meant to do things, luckily we have science to fall back on.

Your feelings are valid. I'm 39 with a 4, 5 & 9 year old. No family help ever, and I feel horribly exhausted. I too, would say the same to my kid's ... 35 seem's a nice cut off point? But ... if you don't have children by 40, the tiredness of parenting can not be explained, as the biological urge will always be there. You are so near the end of that exhausting parenting stage .. keep going!

Realistically though this is another women vs women situation along the lines of
SAHM vs working mum
Vaginal birth vs caesarean
Grey hair vs dye
Make-up vs no makeup
Surgical tweaks vs ageing naturally
Formula vs breast
HRT vs none
Young mum vs older mum

I doubt there are threads after threads of men out there debating whether having kids when you're 20 or having them when you're 53 is better, they just have their kids and accept it as their life and live it, right?

I don’t even think I had a menopause as such, I’ve never had any kind of symptoms. I wonder if it’s because I had a full hysterectomy followed by three years of HRT (15 years ago).

I had mine at 33.6 ( always important that "half" ) and 36 .
two and a half years between so tough going , mid thirties .
I tell my DC ( now adults ) that I had more patience than I would;ve had in my twenties .

I’m glad I had children in my 20s and now have grandchildren in my 50s. I have the grandchildren whilst mum and dad go away for the weekend

its exhausting in your 50s and so much harder work than in your 20s and 30s

id rather the relaxed time now