Hears why not to have kids past 40

[menopausepluskids]

Light hearted (not).

I`ll start by saying i adore my children love them very much they are a joy most times.
But i want a bit of a rant on why i shall tell my kids not to have kids after 40.
Im 51 i have a 3 and 6 year old and i really thought i could do this.
Love them but wish i had them younger.

My mum is to old to help with child care.
Im tired and just want to sit or potter about not have to deal with nappies and potty training.
My mother always said if you want kids have them before 35 so you have freedom back.
No i wanted to live and i did but now i want to go on holiday at my age in peace read books do paintings cant do that now.

My youngest sister has two kids that are adults now and shes living it up as i say shes just turned 40 and had amazing birthday in spain.
Yes i was jealous a bit.
I admit i did look down at her when the kids were young i looked down on a lot of younger mums and im sorry (i didnt know how hard it was).

My life is now tantrums toys schools mum mum mum crying and waking at no later than 6am every day.

My friends and my sister have the perfect lifes lay in on the week ends dont have to cook go away at the drop of a hat.
Always plaining something.
Me i have to deal with dinners bath times etc.
I asked my sister to babysit for me a few months back and she flat out said no her right followed with you didnt help me.

My husband is full on but we did agree with each other we did leave it late.
Now my friend have grown up kids and doing different things while im stuck skint and well alittle jealous.
I will be telling my kids if you want kids when your older dont have them past 40.

I sit and think fuck me im still going to be school running and still have kids at home in my 70s.
Given my time again i would not do it or at least had them in my 30s.
Mix it all up with peri menopause lovely.

This is my karma isn`t it.

I agrer and i had mine at 31 and 35. Wish I had had them early 20s when I loved staying up all night!!

I think you meant your thread title to be "Here are some reasons not to have two children after you've turned 45".

I can't imagine wasting all these nights when I was up looking for a baby to be honest.

I wouldn’t have kids past 40, due to feeling too old and tired and not having the energy. Also my parents had me late and they both died when I was in my early 20s. Very lonely when my friends still had their parents and grandparents.

More like every few weeks. This type of thread almost always celebrates having babies past 45 though, so it makes a refreshing change to see a thread that feature lots of downsides too. I do genuinely believe there are more downsides than advantages to having children past 43-44.

I had my 2 at around 30, (I'm now late 50s,) and I honestly could not think of anything worse than having school age children now, and having to deal with school politics, school gate mafia, teen drama, and university in my mid-late 60s (which is what would happen if I'd had a baby in my mid-late 40s!!!) I would have zero patience. I think it's a myth that older woman (45+) have more patience. I had waaaaay more patience when mine were little than I have now.

Also, I get tired and weary easily, (since menopause,) and legitimately cannot be arsed with small children. I'm not even arsed about having grandchildren truth be told. I will very likely be happy if my DC have children, but I really don't care that much if they don't. I find the small (3 to 7 y.o.) children in my street hugely irritating. I get sick of their screaming, whining, running up and down the street, and pestering me when I'm in my front garden, and I just really could not have been fucked with small children in my late 40s/early 50s.

Whilst I loved being a mother - and having children - for the 18-19 years I did it, both of mine were gone by the time I was 50, and completely independent, and me and DH have been free to do what we want with our lives and come and go as we please, since the age of 49-50. The thought of having school age children now (in my late 50s) just fills me with horror! 😱

Having kids past 43-44, means there's a risk that they will lose their parents at a young-ish age, or be their carers. Yes I know someone will come on and say their great aunt Lulu lived til 109 and was running marathons at 99, and their granny was climbing Everest at 90, and could run rings around women a third of her age, but the fact is that this is the exception to the rule. Most people will have their health start to decline by their early 70s. (Which would be when the children are only in their mid 20s if they have them in their mid 40s!) Totally unfair on the children.

And no matter how people try and make out some women in their late 40s, and 50s are stronger and fitter than some women in their 20s, it's farcical to suggest that your 20s is less suitable to have a baby than your late 40s ... The older woman's body is around a quarter century older, and like it or not, it will show in many ways........... (No matter how someone in their mid 50s, would like to think they could run rings around a woman 25 years younger.)

I am about to turn 62 and DS is 16. We are just fine (DH is 55). I work full time (for myself now, so flexibly) and am financially secure/well-off. Not everyone in their 60s is "knackered" or "shattered"! I hate the way these threads always imply that! Menopause is long behind me and I have some back problems but they don't prevent me from doing anything I want to with DS (at no age would either of us be "playing football" with him or the like).

My parents live in a different country so would never have been any use for childcare anyway.

Let's all just be taken to the knackers yard once we turn 30. 🙄

I had a baby boy when I was 17, I has my second baby a girl when I was 39. I am tired I will admit having an almost 3 year old now but I wouldn't change it for the world. I don't have childcare but a very hands on partner that is a huge help.
My son is now 24 because I had him so young I was still young when he was old enough to look after himself and I became bored. Yes I could go out when I wanted and do many things but this soon became not as great as you think. So I've had many years to chill inbetween both and I've had that freedom and I much prefer being a mother and having my child around no matter how tired I get its worth it.

Being 51 with a 3 & 6 year old sounds horrific! My condolences!

The thing is threads like this no matter what angle they’re coming from pitt women against each other. They’re more often than not judgmental and offend people. I wish people would keep their opinions to themselves unless asked by a person in real life. We should be lifting each other up, not pulling each other down.

That's not the same, in fact it's not even close

I became a Nana at 50. Didn't have much of a youth though. It's swings and roundabouts.

For them that say some of us missed out on our youth younger years.
Well tbh for me i didnt miss it.
As a woman now in my 30s i have more confidence now than i did back then.
I travel alot i have a good job no debt i owe no one nothing.
I have a adult son that has his own life.
I had the stigma still get the eye roles but hey life is not always planed.
Worked out for me in the end.

I had my DC just before 42 and it was all good until the menopause arrived… it’s like spiritually and emotionally you’re ready to move into a different stage of life.

I have energy for my child, but not enough energy for my child and all the effing housework!

Also, my child has no grandparents, which is a real loss. I’ll already telling them not to leave settling down too long - partly for their benefit, and partly for the horribly selfish of wanting to hold a grandchild in my arms before I die.

After 40 is too old, I feel that from my own experience. Physically, for your child’s emotional security, socially.

Op quite frankly I don’t know how you do it, so all credit to you. I have noticed such a difference from early 40s to early 50s. It’s incredibly noticeable.

Irrelevant. Some people can't have children in their twenties, or ever. They often seek fertility treatment. Should we ditch this on the basis it interferes with 'nature'?

"My eldest sister had her second baby at 42 she has an older child 19 years."

I have a family member like that (although she does have more than two children).

First child when she was 21. Fifth (and final) child when she was 40 - 19 years later.

All five children with the same father and they are still happily together, with the youngest child currently at university.

Nobody has died.

I had my last at 43. I honestly was never tired during the pregnancy, I was single, worked full time until 38 weeks, back to work full time when he was 16 weeks, with two hours of commuting every day and only 26 days holiday a year. He's 23 now and I did get married when he was 13 and things did get a lot easier from when he was 11, but I can honestly say it was fine. Tough and relentless, but isn't it that at any age? I had a good job and although I had not a single penny of support from the father, I do think having enough money makes a huge difference.
I wouldn't want people to be put off by your post. I think it's a variable experience at that age the same as it is at any age.

My brother was born when I was 19, so my mother was both a very young and later quite an old mother (not as old as me though!).

I’m 23 with a 3 year old and shattered too! In fact shattered doesn’t even fully explain the feeling anymore:/

This idea of young moms having tonnes of energy is definitely not a thing. Or at least if it is, I didn’t get it!
I think sometimes we build up a picture in our heads of what life would’ve/could’ve been like if only x y or z happened. Usually the picture is not accurate (how could it be?) and only serves to make us feel worse about our own lives. Throw the picture away so to speak and just focus on having gratitude for your life as it is and/or how to increase your happiness if that’s of concern.

I had both mine in my early forties and ended up a single parent when the youngest was about 18months (older was 31/2). You did have yours later than me, I was 54 when I finally left the school gates (seniors they sorted themselves out). It has been fine for me (I didn’t feel the need to be out socialising or dating, I liked being home) but I do feel bad that I have deprived my kids of having me around for as long as they could have by about 15 years. I would also say to my kids have them in your 20s or 30s so you can free up your older years.

What is nice though is that I’m not an empty nester in my early 60s. As I was a single mum I don’t have someone to share my empty nest years with (my choice). Had I had them a lot earlier I might have ended up spending more years living alone, which I wouldn’t want.

Pros and cons of having kids young and old

I was 24 and 26 when I had mine - they’re now 18 and 20

I sacrificed 6 years out of any career clink f and I worked PT (minimum wage ) around their dad as no family - financially was tough ! But , loved being with them prior to school years !
Maybe I had more energy - but sleep deprivation at any age is tough !

Now , I can holiday where / when I want !
Someone who had them older would have had these years when I was in the trenches !

I have young nieces and a nephew . A few hours with them is enough and reinforces the resin we have a biological clock and reminds me of the need for reliable birth control

Her life and freedom did.

I don’t think it’s possible to translate the bone crunching loss of energy 30 years on from where you are, until you experience it. The kind of exhaustion that the house could be on fire and I can hardly move. It’s combined with aches, pains, insomnia and mood swings. Hot flushes and brain fog from the menopause is a lethal combination. Almost like my body has switched into second gear without warning.