Hears why not to have kids past 40

[menopausepluskids]

Light hearted (not).

I`ll start by saying i adore my children love them very much they are a joy most times.
But i want a bit of a rant on why i shall tell my kids not to have kids after 40.
Im 51 i have a 3 and 6 year old and i really thought i could do this.
Love them but wish i had them younger.

My mum is to old to help with child care.
Im tired and just want to sit or potter about not have to deal with nappies and potty training.
My mother always said if you want kids have them before 35 so you have freedom back.
No i wanted to live and i did but now i want to go on holiday at my age in peace read books do paintings cant do that now.

My youngest sister has two kids that are adults now and shes living it up as i say shes just turned 40 and had amazing birthday in spain.
Yes i was jealous a bit.
I admit i did look down at her when the kids were young i looked down on a lot of younger mums and im sorry (i didnt know how hard it was).

My life is now tantrums toys schools mum mum mum crying and waking at no later than 6am every day.

My friends and my sister have the perfect lifes lay in on the week ends dont have to cook go away at the drop of a hat.
Always plaining something.
Me i have to deal with dinners bath times etc.
I asked my sister to babysit for me a few months back and she flat out said no her right followed with you didnt help me.

My husband is full on but we did agree with each other we did leave it late.
Now my friend have grown up kids and doing different things while im stuck skint and well alittle jealous.
I will be telling my kids if you want kids when your older dont have them past 40.

I sit and think fuck me im still going to be school running and still have kids at home in my 70s.
Given my time again i would not do it or at least had them in my 30s.
Mix it all up with peri menopause lovely.

This is my karma isn`t it.

I think everything you’re saying is fair enough OP! Sending hugs

I follow a girl online (she’s local to me but a small influencer) who’s 29 and has taken her 8 week old on holiday to a friends wedding and I want that confidence and flexibility when we have kids too. I really take our childrens health to heart - we’re both the type to go to the gym 3-4 nights a week, our Friday nights are walks nearby our house and while we do love to have a glass of wine or two over the weekends we don’t go “out out” more than once every 2-3 months and usually eat healthily because we’re on a diet plan (oats, chicken salad, eggs etc!) so I always hope that puts us in good stead for kids. It’s hard when it comes to children’s health as my sister was 30 and one of her twin sons has severe CP, epilepsy and is blind due to a complication during birth. She’s left her teaching career to care for him and is the best mum, but I’m even more aware motherhood can take over whether you mean it to or not so you should be ready for that. Women have such burdens with thinking about these things so men think about this….?! 😩

But the choices our predecessors had were more limited. How many also had careers and the expectations of girls weekends and a big family holiday or two?

Honestly OP I felt very similar with a 6yo and 3yo when I was 30.

Parenting is tough, but you're right on the cusp of getting your life back, I promise. Reception year can still be difficult in terms of dealing with exhausted kids with big feelings, but year 1 onwards everything gets so much more manageable - you get to enjoy more time actually with your kids, rather than doing boring admin for your kids. Also, I've got teenagers now, and they're really good fun, so don't believe anyone who tells you it all just gets even worse!

Also, no shame in tag teaming with your husband so you each get a proper amount of time off at least once a fortnight.

I agree. I had mine at 40 and just before I turned 43. 52 now and honestly I am fine. No family help at all and I work full time but prioritize loads of sleep ( always did even before kids) make sure I get in activity and exercise and time for some classes/ hobbies of my own, I do think 43 is just about the upper age limit for having kids though. Must admit I would not want them as late as you OP, but still you’ve done it now, so remember you had the same life as your sister, but in reverse and enjoy your kids now 😁

To be fair, having children has A LOT of downsides full stop. 😂

Younger or older, only adds a little bit to the mix.
Some women win the Olympics at 20, some women finish ultra-marathons at 70. Some 20 yo can't do 500m without a car, some 60 yo behave like they are 110.

Age literally is just a number in most cases (within reason, no one is advising to have a child in your 70 even if you could biologically have one)

I was 33 & 35. Didn’t plan to have them so late but now I’m 53 & DH 55 and retiring soon (in a job that allows). Kids are 18 & 19 and off to uni. I thought I’d had them too late but it’s worked out well. Don’t have a mortgage which is a good job because university accommodation is expensive.

I really couldn’t imagine having little ones now. My friend from school has grandkids ages 1-5 and I don’t envy her. I love being a mum sooooo much but feel I’m only just coming out of mummy stage and defo don’t want to go back soon.

they had no choice at all for sure, but I meant that it's not a modern thing to physically have kids, and it's not true that "in the good old days", women had kids in their 20s and that was that.

Thanks for your honesty. If it makes any difference, I’m 33 and my dad is 75, so was early 40s with me. We’re very close and always have been and I would call him to talk about personal things, even before my mum, who is 62 and under 30 when she had me. (I’m the youngest of 3 kids) and my dad was an amazing parent who didn’t stop and was active in all our lives and social lives and sports etc. He said he thinks we kept him younger than he was as we’d see friends of his with grown kids and he said he thought it was the slowing down catching up with them. Two sides to every coin. I think I’m concious my sister got a shock as she came off her pill and got a bullseye first month trying…. My dad’s response when she said it was quicker than expected was “what did she think would happen”? (In a kind way!) but as women we hear so much more about it taking a while (it did with my SIL) but I’m aware because of my sister I can’t “rely” on having a year still and must be ready when we start trying.

There’s a reason that 35 was my absolute limit for babies. Now that I’m knocking 50 and the kids are teens, and I’m perimenopausal and solely responsible for aging parents’ needs, I realise that I was absolutely right.

You can't rely on conceiving instantly no, but also you can't rely on people being 100% straight about when they actually started trying

The difference is if you have children in your 20s the chances are you will be helping to raise Grandchildren in your 50s & 60s as is my situation.Yes it's tiring but personally I wouldn't change a thing. If I was in your situation OP I would have no regrets other than missing out on being a young Grandparent.

I don’t think age necessarily matters, I think everyone is different. I had my children relatively young (in my early and mid twenties) and thank the lord I did as I’m now nearly 40 and think, thank gosh they’re not little anymore - no energy for that!
On the flip, my parents had me in their late 30’s / early 40’s and had boundless energy! And they still do in their 70’s!

but at the same time, SOME young mums have ridicule expectations and demand that their parents babysit non-stop (even when said parents actually have a job) so new mum can work and go on holiday with friends , and live a "child-free" life.

I think circumstances and personality have a lot more impact than the age.

I am not sure I want to "help raise" my grand-kids, I have done my bits with my own kids 😂. And what happens if my kids marry someone from the other side of the world and relocate? If I have a different child in countries from England to Australia and one somewhere in America, I won't be much help anyway.

This is true with all friends and even cousins I speak to and I approach with caution - but when it comes to my sister she wouldn’t lie to me about that. She especially couldn’t hide it when she subsequently found out it was twins….She definitely was being honest about how quickly it happened by the dual shock! 😂

That's lovely, my kids are definitely keeping me young! I don't feel late 40's 😆

I had my first at 27 and my second at 29. I am now approaching 40, and recently had a pregnancy scare, and my god it made me realise how much harder I'd find things now if I had to go back to the baby/toddler stage. Just the thought of reliving all that at 40 when I have so much less energy... I just couldn't do it. I adore my kids, and to be honest they have been such easy going, fun, happy children so far, but without wishing the time away, I am also looking forward to being in my early 50s with grown up children who don't depend on me 24/7. In a few years both of mine will be at secondary and I can kiss the school runs goodbye forever (we live 3 mins away from big school so they will walk themselves). But it's all swings and roundabouts op, when you were in your 20s/30s, no doubt living it up on child free getaways and lie in at the weekend, your sister and friends were the ones going through what you're going through now, and we're probably jealous of your carefree life. There's definitely no right or wrong way to do it, I guess in some ways it's easier having them younger as the energy and enthusiasm is there to keep up with them, but having them later gives you more past experience, wisdom to share, and potentially a better financial situation for everyone. Me and dh didn't do much travelling before we had kids, we didn't have much money as spent our early 20s saving for a house deposit, and didn't get to do much "fun stuff" before we decided to start a family. The good side to that is, that now the kids are older and we're earning more, we get to take the kids on all the adventures we would have liked to do when we were younger. I love that we get to experience things for the first time as a family, and seeing the world through the eyes of a child, and watching their excitement and awe of visiting new places makes things even more magical for us as adults. But, in my 20s with two babies, I can't say I was never envious of childless friends having lazy weekends and far flung holidays. I am so so glad we had ours younger, as I just don't think I could do it now. I know I definitely wouldn't enjoy it as much. But maybe that's cause I've already done it and I know it's not all sunshine and butterflies, and as an older first time mum I would just embrace it. As lovely as babies are, changing nappies and breastfeeding at 2am is hell, no matter what age you are, just easier when you are younger and haven't had so much time to get used to, and enjoy life as a childless adult perhaps.

I can't be bothered to read the whole thread but some of these posts are pathetic. Everybody is different. So much of it depends on your outlook on life, and many women are as fit/well/energetic in their late 40s/early 50s as women in their 20s and 30s! Some people don't have a choice when they have kids. I had mine later in life and I'm embracing it. I'm fit and well. My kids are my pride and joy and keep me young!

I think there’s a lot of evidence to challenge that idea now, isn’t there? I’d often heard that the supposed age after which fertility ‘dropped off a cliff’ was 35, rather than 30, but either way I remember being really interested to read an article a few years ago which said that the data this was based on came from French church records in the 1700s (!!) and that actually the decline is much more gradual. Just done a quick search and found the article again.
https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2021/apr/10/fertility-cliff-age-35-week-in-patriarchy

Fertility does decline in late thirties, but seemingly pretty gradually.

Edited as I accidentally wrote ‘date’ rather than ‘data’!

Agreed. I had mine at 33 and 40. No way would I have had one at 48.

Exactly this! Do not tell your kids that. However much you dress it up it will still speak regret to them. I say this as someone whose mother told them several times a month that she regretted ever having children and that we had ruined her life.
Your kids didn't ask to be born or to have an older mum who hankers after a different, freer life. Maybe a bit less self pity might be in order. What exactly did you expect having kids to be like and having had the fist at 45 what on earth made you have a 2nd feeling the way you do ?
I appreciate this might sound harsh but I just feel for your kids after what you have said.

This!

I had all of mine between 25 and 36. I was 100% sure I did not ever want to go through another pregnancy, babyhood, or toddler/ potty training etc when DC5 was born. Much as I loved them all and found a huge amount of joy in my little DCs, I knew had reached my absolute limit.

It really takes it out of you. I don't know which is more taxing, the mental drain or the physical strain of having babies and young children. For me, just being able to fully inhabit the space between my own ears was bliss when they got older.

Had mine early forties and have only had a positive experience. My parents helped out lots!

Agree 100%.