Hears why not to have kids past 40

[menopausepluskids]

Light hearted (not).

I`ll start by saying i adore my children love them very much they are a joy most times.
But i want a bit of a rant on why i shall tell my kids not to have kids after 40.
Im 51 i have a 3 and 6 year old and i really thought i could do this.
Love them but wish i had them younger.

My mum is to old to help with child care.
Im tired and just want to sit or potter about not have to deal with nappies and potty training.
My mother always said if you want kids have them before 35 so you have freedom back.
No i wanted to live and i did but now i want to go on holiday at my age in peace read books do paintings cant do that now.

My youngest sister has two kids that are adults now and shes living it up as i say shes just turned 40 and had amazing birthday in spain.
Yes i was jealous a bit.
I admit i did look down at her when the kids were young i looked down on a lot of younger mums and im sorry (i didnt know how hard it was).

My life is now tantrums toys schools mum mum mum crying and waking at no later than 6am every day.

My friends and my sister have the perfect lifes lay in on the week ends dont have to cook go away at the drop of a hat.
Always plaining something.
Me i have to deal with dinners bath times etc.
I asked my sister to babysit for me a few months back and she flat out said no her right followed with you didnt help me.

My husband is full on but we did agree with each other we did leave it late.
Now my friend have grown up kids and doing different things while im stuck skint and well alittle jealous.
I will be telling my kids if you want kids when your older dont have them past 40.

I sit and think fuck me im still going to be school running and still have kids at home in my 70s.
Given my time again i would not do it or at least had them in my 30s.
Mix it all up with peri menopause lovely.

This is my karma isn`t it.

Maybe you just should not have had children.

HERE’S to you.

I can see what you mean op. In my family there are 2 sisters: one had their DD at 24 and the other had hers at 46. The first one has her life ‘back’ but it did mean she missed out on loads of stuff in her 20s. I guess it’s swings and rounds alité although I have several friends who had DC in their 40s and I am glad that I’m not dealing with toddlers now in my mid 40s. But there’s pros and cons to everything.

All those saying "I couldn't do it, I'm 34 and knackered" etc I'd have probably said the same but I had my first at 26 and my last at 40 and there's zero difference for me. Energy levels are the same and if anything I'm more patient and laidback now. I'd say having a small child gives me MORE energy, as I'm not sitting around feeling lethargic.

Also I know plenty of women in their 50s - not creaking around like geriatrics 😝. Most are out doing HIIT, running, working, travelling - with or without children. Living their best lives.

For the most part, age is a mindset. If you're your arse at 52, that says more about you than your age.

Harsh and unnecessary. Infact downright mean.

Nature wants us to have babies young. We shouldn’t be running after our kids during our menopause. We have more and different type of energy when we are younger and our children deserve that

I always wanted to have completed my family before 40 for this reason. Third DC was born 6 weeks before my 40th. I felt very lucky that it worked out for me. I know women with fertility difficulties will care more about becoming a mother at any age than planning it all to a T.

There is a world of difference mind between me at 40 and me now at 48! Energy levels have crashed, my enthusiasm for days out, soft play, zoos, bowling, play dates and all the rest… just CBA with it! I want to read my book in peace 😅

Absolutely non of that is too do with age though. Your friends/sister ALREADY did all the same stuff and you say you looked down your nose and didn't help. Now your doing it, its was the same for them at 20 as it is for you at 50. Do you think they didn't have 'My life is now tantrums toys schools mum mum mum crying and waking at no later than 6am every day.' every day too? while you judged them.

You lived carefree in your 20s, 30s and most of your 40s, they didn't but are now get to in their 40s and 50s.

Bit ridiculous. If 'nature' felt this way, we wouldn't still be fertile into our 40s. Also sweeping. 'We' are all different, thank God (and nature).

Had my first at 25 and my third and final at 30, and there is NO WAY I would have another baby now at nearly 40. I miss them being babies and they were absolutely the best and most happiest days of my life, but I had so much energy and patience. Life is much easier now!

Fertility decreases rapidly after 30.

My friend wanted kids young so she could have her freedom later in life. Unfortunately her first (and only) child has severe autism and learning difficulties and will never live independently. He’s now 25 and my friend (now 52) is permanently exhausted. She’ll never get that freedom she wanted. She’s lucky if she can get a few days respite care and all she does then is sleep. Having kids young, although more likely, is no guarantee of later life freedom.

It gets better. 67 with 23 yr old son. Keeps me learning new things. Best thing l ever did.

I was 39 when I had our youngest, but I did notice a big nosedive in my energy levels between 40-50. Now nearly 55 and finding the teenage years tiring, but manageable. I can quite imagine how tiring you are finding young children op.

Having kids young would have meant I wouldn't have done all the things I did then.

No regret whatsoever.

When I had kids, I could not look back and say "If I hadn't had kids, I would have/ could have/ should have". Everything I could have done, I did. If I didn't achieve something, there's no excuse.

Once they start secondary school, so around age 11, I do have my life back.
I was so much fitter in my 40s than my 30s, and fitter now that I can abandon the kids when I fancy exercising.

I understand you find it hard, but I would have resented being left behind with work, friendship, travel, sport in my 20s and 30s. By the time I had my kids, I was happy to be stuck home with little ones, and stick with holidays around the kids.

The "selfish years" were priceless. Now it's always going to be about my kids somehow, even adults, then grand-kids. Freedom before kids was priceless. I might be tired, but I don't resent missing out on anything, makes all the difference.

exactly.

Plus it's not a new phenomena for women to have children "late". Women always had children until they reached menopause, they might have had more and more spread out, but it's not a modern thing to have kids until menopause - until you physically can basically.

I'm only 33 next week and I find it exhausting with a nearly 1 year old and nearly 7 year old.

If I had my time again, I would not have children.

I don't think that in the age of HRT we can really talk about nature this or nature that.

For as long as a woman is fertile, having a baby is right for that specific woman.

Some women do have more physical energy when they're younger, yes.

But equally some women are emotional carwrecks when they're younger and need many more years to find the inner calm that allows them to be mentally solid mothers. You could argue that having one or more decades of non-childrearing experience behind them also leaves them better equipped to be a life guide, too.

Yes, they will orphan their children sooner in most cases. But some women also reproduce and die young too.

I'm the complete opposite i have endless patience now im that much older, i thought it was everyone !! but i stand corrected

I think at 16 you don't know if you're on your arse or your elbow.

HRT doesn’t prolong fertility.

When you are older you should be in a better financial position to outsource. If you have a full time nanny and pay for activities how hard can it be?

last child at 41, twenty years ago. She’s great. We have a lot of fun together and have loads of interests in common. I still don’t feel old. Sometimes I’m keen to stay out when she wants to head home to her bed!

If left to nature we would be popping out a baby annually.

I agree with PP the problems of age are more to do with poor health.
Aging does have an impact but we are completely able to turn that around to a great extent.
As we age we put on weight, our joints start creaking, our stamina decreases.

Exercise can improve our stamina, bring health to our heart our joints - a fit 50 year old can be stronger than someone in their 20s.

I had my first at 35 and second at 40. Ds2 is 8 months. Love them both but I feel wrecked. Can imagine it’s much worse during peri/menopause. I find it hard enough now.

I never said it did. I brought up HRT in response to claims that nature wants us to have kids young. By the same token, nature seems to want us to hit 45 and live with crumbling bones and a whole bunch of other symptoms.

Fgs being older dont mean more money being younger dont mean more money.
Its called life some have more some have less.
I have more money now i dont have a child to care for.
Not everyone is going to be in a good financial position.