Daughters wedding

[PeppyZebra]

Needing advice. My daughter gets married in 6 mnth at a church. She was having 3 bridesmaids. Myself and ny husband halve purchased her dress at £2500, paid for a gospel choir and are paying for the church. We are also renting a house near the church for the night b4 and after. Myself, my hubby, ny son, his girlfriend(whois a bridesmaid) and my daughter are staying there night before. My daughter has asked for £150 each from bridesmaids for hair makeup and dress. Two are fine. The other one(best man wife) has said she can't afford it. She has already paid 50.00 for her dress and my daughter said the rest is not to be paid until day of wedding. Works out about 5.00 per week. This young lady and her hubby are not short of money. She works full time, he is a professional rugby player and they have just paid 60 grand cash no mortgage for an extension on their 5 bedroom house. She has messaged my daughter saying she just cannot afford to have her hair and make up done but has confirmed that she has made an appointment to have her make ip done professionally somewhere else on the day and it is to cost nearly £50. My daughter doesn't think she wants her to come to our home on the morning of the wedding with all the celebrations when the other 2 have paid and she won't. Just to point out also when my daughter gave her the link for the dress she ordered a completely different dress than what my daughter asked her to and ended up sending it back. I don't want her to come and I am annoyed that she has put my daughter in such a position and it feels like she is playing on the friendship of her hubby and my soon to be son in law. HELP PLEASE

32 years ago when I was a uni student I was asked to be my best friends bridesmaid.
We had known each other and families since age 5 or so.

On the day I went with her and her mum to get the dresses I was asked to pay out for the dress and shoes … I was so shocked and had no money but I was so embarrassed I just paid ( was overdrawn on my bank account) and it was never mentioned again. I never even told my mum at the time as I just felt I couldn’t tell her.
But I’ve never forgotten. And although we are still friends - whenever I think it - even now 30+ years later I feel taken advantage of.

OP, I have never heard of a wedding where the bridesmaids have to pay for their own dress, hair and make-up. I’ve been to weddings where hair and make up has been done at vast expense; I’ve been to weddings where the bridal party has popped to the hairdresser’s in the morning and sorted their own make-up - but NEVER have I heard of a wedding where the poor bridesmaids are expected to pay for themselves and stump up £150 for the privilege. I’m amazed they even agreed to be bridesmaids under the circumstances - I’ve heard of ridiculous hen do’s, but not bridesmaids having to pay for their own dress. Your DD (and you) have some brass neck.

Your dd doesn’t seem to have put her hand in her pocket to pay out for much for her wedding so imo she should have paid for the bridesmaids dresses, hair and makeup.

I think there’s some confusion here. When you ask someone to be a bridesmaid, you don’t then saddle them with the cost of a specific dress or makeup or hair. It’s hardly an ‘honour’ or a ‘treat’ to have things chosen for you and then be asked to fork out money on demand like this. You either pay for what you want or let them do their own thing. Bit awful to be asking a bridesmaid to pay it back £2 a week.

When I got married, my MOH chose the colour for her dress and the flower girls' dresses. (MOH was a redhead, so it made sense to let her choose something that suited.)

A local dressmaker made the dresses and I paid. I let my MOH choose her own design, since she was the only adult bridesmaid. I asked the MOH and the children's mothers to buy their shoes and I reimbursed them.

They did their own hair and the MOH and I just did our own make-up. Never occurred to me to get a professional in...Mind you, this was the mid '90s.

Having a £2500 dress then asking your bridesmaid to pay £2 a week is laughably crass.

I mean, the comments have been unanimously brutal 😂

It doesn’t matter.

It is very bad manners to ask someone to be bridesmaid then expect them to pay for their dress, makeup hair etc. I would never have asked my bridesmaids to pay for any of these things. Your daughter should apologise and offer to pay. I can’t believe she has gone for a £2,500 wedding dress but is asking bridesmaids to pay £150 each.

You are right this has nothing to do with the bridesmaid not being able to afford it but everything to do with your daughter un-reasonably expecting the bridesmaids to pay.

I’d bet any money that the other bridesmaids are not happy about paying either but have gone along with it to keep the peace.

I’ve always gone with a ‘anything you ask for, you pay for’ both with my own wedding and advice to others. If you want bridesmaids to have hair, make up etc then I personally think you should pay for it

You lost me at £2.5k for a wedding dress and her bridesmaids are expected to pay for their own as well as their own hair, makeup and presumably accommodation.
Your DD is being unreasonable (very) and I think she’ll find these friends distance themselves afterwards.

When did it become acceptable for bridesmaids to pay for their own dresses, makeup etc? I’ve never heard anything so ridiculous in my life.

Similar to many PPs I've never heard of a bridesmaid having to pay anything. Similarly, my partner was a groomsman and the bride and groom paid for his suit. I think it's a way of saying thank you for the help given by the bridesmaids, best man, groomsmen and ushers etc leading up to the wedding day and on the day itself. I do know one bride who didn't pay for her bridesmaids dresses - but she just asked them to wear any colourful dress of their choice, didn't ask them to buy a dress.

I have always thought the bride pays tbh. It’s none of her business what the bridesmaid can and cannot afford and as for banning her from the house because she hasn’t paid £150 is childish. Your daughter sounds entitled and spoilt

Two of the bridesmaid might well have gone along with the plan, but I doubt if they are 'fine with it', Your son's girlfriend is hardly going to tell you and your daughter where to go. So they fork out £150 for a dress that they will wear for a few hours and the privilege of coming to your home on the morning of the wedding!

Since when has it become the norm to ask bridesmaids to pay for their dresses hair and makeup while also dictating their choice of dress and makeup artist?

It's cheap and tacky given the bridesmaid is already spending £££ to be part of the day and will likely never be able to wear the chosen dress again.

I understand weddings are expensive, but expecting bridesmaids to pay towards their dress, hair & makeup is pretty cheeky. I would expect if you're asking someone to be a bridesmaid they shouldn't be lumbered with cost of the dress and wedding hair & makeup in return. I had to factor these costs into my wedding budget.

OP money is clearly a BIG issue for you. How much you have spent on this wedding isn’t at all relevant.

expecting bridesmaids to pay for their dresses an hair\makeup is an American thing - if you are in the UK then most people would be surprised.

you have taken an unpleasant approach to this - the £2 a week thing is insulting. If it is so little money then why aren’t you or your daughter paying?

this is similar to expecting wedding guests pay for their meal.

however; from your obsessive listing of what you have spent and your obsession with this woman’s financial position I suspect you and your daughter are throwing a wedding you can’t afford. Sit down, talk it through. But don’t take it out on this bridesmaid. It’s very poor form - and embarrassing for you both.

Tbh, I’ve been a bridesmaid six times in my life, although many years ago. And three of those times I paid for my own bridesmaid dress. I don’t think it’s set in stone that the bride ‘always’ pays for the dresses. I didn’t feel hard done by, as appreciate people do things differently. I think if asked to be bridesmaid, you should first ask who’s paying for the dresses etc. if the answer is that you have to meet the cost, then just say no thanks if you can’t afford, or if you just don’t want to. I think some people on here are going ridiculously over the top……

Jeez the level of petty asking for £2 a week to cover what the bride is demanding

i have been a bridesmaid several times and never paid for a dress

i got married on a small budget, still bought my bridesmaids their dresses and shoes and said they could do whatever they liked for hair and make up (as I did for myself). If I’d have wanted their hair/make up done professionally I would have paid for it.

Weddings are expensive for guests. Your daughter wanted her as a bridesmaid, she should cover the cost of her decisions

This is nothing to do with you, OP. Your daughter is an adult. Remind her to behave like one and then let her get on with it. Sounds like you and your daughter could both do with a deep breath and a reminder to stop being so controlling. Who cares who is doing the bridesmaid’s hair, ffs?

YABU. It’s one thing to ask that the bridesmaid pays for the dress if it’s one that the bridesmaid chose rather than the bride - that’s fairly common practice as in theory they could choose to wear a dress that is more their style again (although in practice it’s still often a colour that the bride has chosen which might not always suit the bridesmaid).

But it’s quite tacky if you insist that your bridesmaids have their hair and makeup done by someone else - as you are basically implying that the hair and makeup that they usually do for themselves isn’t up to your standards. Then to ask them to pay for that “privilege”!

If the bride wants a “clone” aesthetic of hair and makeup all done exactly the same way, then I’m afraid she should pay for it herself. Imo this bridesmaids financial status is a red herring- shes tried to be polite by saying she can’t afford it, instead of saying she doesn’t want her hair and makeup done by the person the bride has chosen (or perhaps originally done by anyone else at all- she might now have felt pressured to do so).

Good grief. Your daughter is a bridezilla and you sound like a mumzilla!
Sounds like you’ve lost sight of what a wedding is for ….

I was a bridesmaid a couple of years ago and the only thing I paid for was my shoes.

You and your daughter are wrong. I also can’t imagine how crappy the bridesmaids dress are in comparison to her £2500 dress. Did she chose something ugly so she shines even brighter 😂🙄

I think you may end up with fewer bridesmaids with this sort of attitude. It's hardly a gracious lovely wedding if one of the bridesmaids is on a £2 a week payment plan for what sounds like very overpriced hair and makeup. Look Kate Middleton apparently did her own wedding make up and she was being watched by billions - I am sure a slap of foundation, mascara and lipstick and a blow-dry is probably adequate for you daughter's wedding

YABU Why should they have to pay for their own dresses makeup and hair? They are all expenses for her wedding. It’s unlikely they’ll wear the dress again. If they can’t afford to pay out £450 for the bridesmaids then they should have allowed more time to save.

Extensio aren’t cheap anyway I’m sure every spare bit of money will be going into that.