Oh god, I don't know how to title this or what to do or say.

[Ohgoodgodifeelsick]

My son is 22 and lives a few hundred miles away, I've known about his boyfriend for a few months, havent met him yet, but I've heard lots about him over the last few months and he sounds lovely. What I have just found out is that this boyfriend is MY AGE.

I don't know what to say, it's a lot to process. His bf was never in a position of power over him or anything like that, and everything I've heard over the last few months has been totally positive and the relationship sounds respectful and great by all accounts.

This feels really... I don't even know. Everything I felt about this man has been thrown into a tailspin now.

I don't even know what I'm asking, I'm in shock and trying to sort though my feelings before my ds comes and visits next week so I don't have some sort of emotional breakdown and fuck everything up with my relationship with my son.

Any words of wisdom or advice much appreciated. Or if someone could just outright give me a script so I don't have to think about anything that would be better.

Well, how old are you? You could be anywhere from 38 to 64, it makes a big difference.

Mid 40s, this man is twice my sons age.

His bf was never in a position of power over him or anything like that, and everything I've heard over the last few months has been totally positive and the relationship sounds respectful and great by all accounts.

Focus on this. Imagine what you would tell a daughter who had got together with a much older boyfriend, you'd make sure that there was no position of power and influence (a boss, a teacher), you'd make sure there was respect and love there. And then you just are there for your DS and keep lines of communication open as your priority will of course always be your DS's wellbeing.

What to do: be nice and welcoming!!

What not to do: suggest watching "Something's Gotta Give" 😂

how old is your ds and how old is his boyfriend?

Age doesn't really matter, especially as your son is in his twenties. Just support him and be there for him wherever the relationship ends up going.

It’s out of your control. He needs to live his own life and make his own choices. Keep asking him open questions and keep the lines of communication open. If you have concerns share them, but in a spirit of respect for his choices.

Why do have to say anything? Your son is an adult.

You can tell your son that while you are surprised by the age gap, that you trust him to be able to make good decisions and chose a partner that will treat him well, but that you'll always be there for him if he needs to talk.

Then bite your tongue and let him live his life, he may make mistakes along the way but that's part of growing up.

I'd be curious about how they met and his boyfriend's relationship history though!

Very common in same sex relationships @Ohgoodgodifeelsick to have a big age gap (often a generation,)

Especially with 2 men.

I wouldn't over think it.

Is it his first relationship?
I wouldn't be happy either. But I wouldn't tell him that. Or I might say, I do have some concerns as he's so much older than you, but I can see he makes you happy. Or something like that.

Until you meet him, I would stop worrying. Chronological age might feel relatively insignificant once you have met him. Some people are old for their age, some are young. Make effort to meet this man but otherwise, trust your son to have made a good choice.

This

Are they just dating, or is there any talk of moving in together?

I was a teen and groomed by an older man, which is something I'm still coming to terms with tbh, so that's probably a large part of what I'm feeling as well.

I know ds is an adult, he's amazing and the best part of my life, and whatever partner he has chosen is very lucky. I've supported ds through everything in his life, and I won't stop now.

I'm just shocked, and it does feel very odd that my (potential, but that's the way its headed) SIL will be my age.

I just need to get my head around this.

Not uncommon. I have several gay friends and colleagues that are married to people far younger/older than they are. This isn’t a new thing. My auntie’s husband is 25 years older than her and they’ve been married since the 80s. 🤷🏻‍♀️

22 is still very young, and very young to be heading for marriage OP!
the main thing is for him to keep visiting and talking with you and not to feel he has to "choose" his partner or you.

It’s really grim but nothing you can do, just pretend to be fine, be supportive and hope it fizzles out.

There is talk of meeting families and moving in, which is why ds has told me now I think.

I know this guy got married quite young, and has been divorced for some years and he also has 2 children who he is heavily involved with.

I'll wholeheartedly welcome them and this man if it makes ds happy, but I can't say I don't have concerns.

I think I just need a day or two to catastrophise, be dramatic, and get it out my system before I see ds then I can be supportive.

Headed towards marriage? Now that would definitely concern me. In your shoes I would be outwardly enthusiastic about the relationship but try to hint that there is no hurry to marry, if the subject comes up . It would need to be subtle though.

This.

I’m in my 40’s too.

If I’m honest I know men in their 20’s and men in their 40’s and they are quite similar with interests and ability to chat about life as well as live it.

So I doubt the age difference feels as much to 2 men as it may do with a woman who is childbearing age and an older man iyswim?

The good news is this wasn’t a position of power relationship.

However I do know of a 30 something yo woman who married her 19 yo student she tutored (we’re that age when they met) and they’ve been married over 40 years. And have children.

as long as the relationship is respectful and equal age is just a number really.

Maybe you’d feel more reassured if you met him. Is that on the cards?

Ds is 22, bf is 46.

They are headed towards moving in together, talking about marriage as a future possibility.

I can only imagine that your son acts older in many ways and this guy acts younger, so they kind of meet in the middle.

If they are happy and the relationship is balanced then I'd say think about it positively. Hopefully you'll get to meet the bloke and see what he's like in person?

I have an awful lot in common with my friends who are twenty years older than me, and I have mates that are 40 years older. So I don't think being close to or being attracted to older people is that unusual.

I'm going to take a day or two to get my head around things and then I'm going to ask ds to either take his boyfriend here when he visits or will arrange for me to go there and meet.

I want ds to be happy, and I don't want to say or do anything that's going to mess up my relationship with him.

It's entirely my issue, I know this.

Ds has dated quite a few guys over the years, he knew he was gay very early on, but it's always been guys around his age, the oldest has been maybe 5 years older. This is another reason why it's been a bit of a shock , I never asked how old bf was, I just assumed from what ds said he was around his age.

I know an older gay man who is single. The reason he is single is because he prefers younger men, half his age. He has reluctantly decided it isn't right to have such an age difference so has chosen to stay single. He in the past did have relationships but they were always awkward with relatives etc.
there are younger men who prefer older and vice versa.
At the end of the day it is their choice.

If you meet him and his family, you may feel reassured. It's a big age gap, but that's not always a problem.