Oh god, I don't know how to title this or what to do or say.

[Ohgoodgodifeelsick]

My son is 22 and lives a few hundred miles away, I've known about his boyfriend for a few months, havent met him yet, but I've heard lots about him over the last few months and he sounds lovely. What I have just found out is that this boyfriend is MY AGE.

I don't know what to say, it's a lot to process. His bf was never in a position of power over him or anything like that, and everything I've heard over the last few months has been totally positive and the relationship sounds respectful and great by all accounts.

This feels really... I don't even know. Everything I felt about this man has been thrown into a tailspin now.

I don't even know what I'm asking, I'm in shock and trying to sort though my feelings before my ds comes and visits next week so I don't have some sort of emotional breakdown and fuck everything up with my relationship with my son.

Any words of wisdom or advice much appreciated. Or if someone could just outright give me a script so I don't have to think about anything that would be better.

If my 22 year old DS came home with a 46 year old woman I would not be at all happy. Not much you can do though than support them, like you i would hope it fizzled out.

They are headed towards moving in together, talking about marriage as a future possibility

No 22yo should be thinking about marriage as a future possibility. That really shouldn’t be life at 22yo.

She tells us his age in the first three words of her first post!

I was a teen and groomed by an older man, which is something I'm still coming to terms with tbh

I think you need to remember that your DS is not a teen. He's a grown man.

I understand why you feel weird about this, but ultimately these are two grown adults (and yes, I would say the same thing if they were a straight couple, before anyone asks). We don't get to choose our kids' partners and if you want to maintain a decent relationship with your son you need to accept his choices.

I think it would certainly be worth asking your son about his partner's kids and where that fits into their life together etc, but in an interested way, not in a critical way.

When I was in my early 20s I had a relationship with a man much older than me and it absolutely was weird and difficult for my parents; I do get that. But I think you have to ask yourself 'What would I think about this man if he was 20 years younger?' and if the answer is 'I'd think he was great' then I think you need to set his age aside. No partner is perfect and there will always be something you're not super keen on in your adult kids' partners, so focus on what's making your son happy.

Of course, if you do spot signs of abuse or control or anything like that, that would be different - but that would be equally possible if your son's partner was the same age as him.

I'd be really concerned, too. I'd also be concerned about the fact the man led most of his adult life as a straight man and had children with his wife. It's not just that he's your age; his children must be nearer to your son's age. And now they're talking about marriage - why on earth would a 22 year old man want to get married? Why on earth would his boyfriend think that was the right thing for your son to do?

You're getting very different responses than when the 30-something woman posted thinking about sleeping with a 26 year old man and was basically called a disgusting groomer.

I'm surprised no-one has said his brain hasn't finished developing yet.

Over a 4 year difference? That's bonkers!

It's a very common scenario with gay men one having a much older partner. No idea why.

God can you imagine this from the perspective of the partner’s kids. They must be the same age as OP’s DS, or older.

I wonder if they are supportive or creeped out.

Over a 4 year difference? That's bonkers!

She was mid-thirties I think, and had been chatted up by the waiter in a coffee shop.

I would discuss that whilst the age gap doesn’t matter now he’ll have many years (rightly) compromising because of his DC and then his partner will be quite a bit older and will
most likely looking to slow down whilst your DS will still be his prime.

One of my DD has a civil partnership to a man who is over 20 years older than her. Admittedly, she wasn’t as young as your DS was when they met, but she was young enough and he is older than me by a few months. I spent a few years quite anxious about their relationship, but they have been together over 10 years, own a house together and are happy.
I still worry that he will be old well before her and the issues that might bring, but who knows he may live a long and healthy life.
Be there for your DS, don’t do or say anything that could push him away from you, and maybe the relationship will be a long and happy one, or it might fizzle out. For now, your DS is happy and that’s important.

It's not "your" issue, nor it's "in your head": it's quite a significant age gap, whatever the sexual orientation. It's normal to feel what you are feeling.

I don't find this grim at all. I would definitely prefer my son to be with someone who was kind and caring but older than someone who's young and treats him badly.
Obviously, I'm not saying all old/young are the same. But judge your feelings on the boyfriends actions not his age.

Good advice, that's all we can do for our adult DC. Support and keep communication open.

It's interesting to hear this is common with gay men.

All of the gay people I know are with partners of a similar age.

This man's kids are both under 12.

The ex wife is very supportive and has met my son and they get along well. The kids know their dad is gay and are fine. I don't believe they know he is with my son, I didn't want to bombard ds with too many questions.

What would I think about this man if he was 20 years younger?' and if the answer is 'I'd think he was great' then I think you need to set his age aside.

This is very helpful.

I think the responses would be very different if a daughter was 22 with a 46 year old man. That would be called grim etc. Is there a reason most gay men go for younger partners, boys not long out of their teenage years? If a mans of 46 claimed he only liked much younger partners around age 22 he would be called all manner of disgusting, creepy etc. I don't think it's any different with gay relationships especially if the older man is deliberately seeking out much younger men as potential partners. Why when he has kids closer to the age of his bf? Red flag.

It's not great but there's not much you can do. It'll probably all pass due to the age gap. That's my approach when our sons do things that I wouldn't really choose for them but they have to learn themselves, and almost always do. It'll probably just end up being part of your son's maturing process. As long as he is not being mistreated in any way, and it sounds like he isn't. I don't want to diminish it though because I'd react exactly like you are doing and would need to process it for a while before facing him.

Somebody has called it "grim" upthread.

Regardless of age, I'd be worried about my 22yo setting up with a divorced partner with two children.

One person? There would be women falling over themselves to call him a creep etc if the genders were reversed.

You'd be getting very different answers if you had a daughter. It's gross and he may not have been in a position of power as a teacher or employer but you have no way of knowing if the balance is equal in his relationship. You also don't know if this is a good relationship. He's hidden the fact that the man is old enough to be his dad from you too.

I don't give a shit if it's common in gay male relationships. It's common because men are gross and take advantage when they can, it was common a couple generations ago for men/girls too and in other countries still.

That all said... He is 22 and you can't stop him. I would tell him your history and tell him why this might not be great while saying you'll keep your mind open and hope he's happy (while secretly hoping he ends it sooner than later!)

Do you think he's a creep and it's "grim"?

Listen to me.

If you want your son to stay in your life, keep out of his business. He is an adult and can decide for himself.

I am in age gap relationship, together 19 years.

I was 20 when we got together, him 39 nearly 40.

We are still together now. No power play, no daddy issues and no strangeness. We have had our ups and downs as any couple has. We live together with our cat and my family has always accepted us.

Age gaps are not always strange or weird. I've always liked older intelligent men. I couldn't do with the idiots of my own age. My dad is still in my life and always has been. I say this because of what some people say on here.

The world takes all sorts and it makes the world go around. It's not for anyone else to worry about who is in someone's bed unless it's illegal or abusive. Let your son lead by his own choices. If it falls apart then be there for him. Just keep your thoughts to yourself.

They probably aren't his age though. Most 40 something men I know have young children (with their younger female partners! 🙄). So it will be the 22 year old replacing an already young woman and then having to give up his youth to be step daddy. It is grim. The whole damn thing.