Oh god, I don't know how to title this or what to do or say.

[Ohgoodgodifeelsick]

My son is 22 and lives a few hundred miles away, I've known about his boyfriend for a few months, havent met him yet, but I've heard lots about him over the last few months and he sounds lovely. What I have just found out is that this boyfriend is MY AGE.

I don't know what to say, it's a lot to process. His bf was never in a position of power over him or anything like that, and everything I've heard over the last few months has been totally positive and the relationship sounds respectful and great by all accounts.

This feels really... I don't even know. Everything I felt about this man has been thrown into a tailspin now.

I don't even know what I'm asking, I'm in shock and trying to sort though my feelings before my ds comes and visits next week so I don't have some sort of emotional breakdown and fuck everything up with my relationship with my son.

Any words of wisdom or advice much appreciated. Or if someone could just outright give me a script so I don't have to think about anything that would be better.

First you give up your youth.

Then you give up your middle age as a carer.

A decent person wouldn't do it to someone they actually cared about.

It is gross and I'd be questioning why a 46 year old man/woman is seeking out a 22 year old. I can't see what they have in common nor would I want my 22 year becoming a potential stepfather.

Absolutely.

Mine wasn't. He had no kids or former wife. Don't be so judgemental. How would you like it if someone thought your life was grim and you'd done nothing but exist happily?

Some people on here need to seriously grow up. Just because you don't like it, doesn't make it grim or wrong.

I wonder why this is? (Genuine question)

I'm an older lesbian who's had many gay male friends over the years and the older man/ young boyfriend isn't unusual. I can think of a couple of younger gay men I've known who've made it in their fields (creative arts, business) as a result of the connections made and lessons learned when they were boyfriends of much older men. The older guys were mentors as much as lovers. Some young guys thrive on the gay scene, just want loads of hook-ups and don't mind all the attention they get when they're young and desirable. Others find it all too much, feel like a piece of meat on the market and can't find someone their own age to pair off with. For them a stable, respectful older man can give them some security.

In the cases I mentioned the older men were fundamentally decent, didn't exploit the situation and helped their boyfriends gain a foothold in their professions. Both young boyfriends had a taste of the high life and went on to success. Neither relationship lasted for more than three years. Both young guys went on to settle down with men around their own age.

Suss the older boyfriend out when you meet him. If he's respectful of your son, if he has something to offer your son and isn't leeching off him, and if your son is happy (you will know) then this may not be anything to fear. If you get bad, exploitative vibes or it's clear the older boyfriend has nothing to offer your lad, then it's time to worry.

So if the dc are under 12 and he's mid 40s, he didn't come out till mid 30s. I think your ds is probably more mature in some way than him!
I wouldn't be happy with a 22 yo dc - male or female - giving up youth to be a stepparent and marrying a person from a different generation.

That was quite literally my point. He fucked about until he was older and in his forties and then found a younger woman! When most women his age can't even have children if they wanted them. Probably strung some women his own age along too.

YOU were the young wife.

I am not judging you for the relationship you're in, I see you as a victim and wouldn't say a word in RL unless, like here, you were promoting this kind of abusive relationship.

Just caught up and they're thinking of marriage. Nooooooooo! Well, not unless the older guy is very wealthy, in which case it might be worth considering. If this guy has only recently left his wife and kids and hasn't played the field and got things out of his system it'll be a disaster. I do know some dedicated and monogamous gay couples who've been together for decades but they are vastly outnumbered by men in open marriages and relationships.

How old is his ex ? If she is much younger then maybe he always likes a young partner and may move on to someone else as your DS matures. It may be she’s the same age as the boyfriend. How will your DS adapt to being a part time step dad to the children? It may be he will enjoy it, but he’s young to realise the relationship will always involve sacrifices for the children. I would worry too, but I don’t see anything you can do.

Although I may sound harsh I wouldn't like my 22 year son/daughter with someone double their age and two kids regardless of the sex of the partner. Far to young IMO to get into someone else responsibilities.

I’d be creeped out by this, ngl. If it was a 22 year old woman and a 46 year old man, most people on here would be up in arms. Not sure why it’s different for gay men.

If this was my adult child I have to say I would hate this. If my DD came home with a bloke my age I would be repulsed by him I think, and defensive of her, because I would find it predatory and creepy and wonder why he couldn't find someone his own age. I would be polite, but I actually don't think I'd know how to act around him or how to talk to him because it would be so utterly weird.

This. Your son's an adult; it's his life, so long as he's happy it's not your business. Stay out of it and just be happy for them.

There is no guarantee that says you will like your adult children’s partners, they choose who they like and you have to accept it.
Any preferences I’d prefer, is best kept to myself and the most important thing for me is they are happy.

I think you need to meet him, and then focus on exactly what your concerns are (if you still have any at that point) and where it's coming from.

Your concerns might be very reasonable if after meeting, you feel he is in a position of power, or control, or something just seems 'off' about him.

22 is young and there is not a magic switch that flips when we are 18. Yes he's an adult, but he's not got a huge amount of life experience. Lots of people end up in relationships with skewed power dynamics in their early 20's when they are still working out what they want/ need from life.

But if you meet him and he seems to be everything you expected/ everything your son describes, and makes him happy, but you still feel concerned, then it may be coming from a more irrational place.

Lots of people are in age gap relationships very happily and it works for them.

I think you just need to wait and see what he's like when you meet, and what they are like together.

Urgh, the dirty bastard.

The older guys were mentors as much as lovers.

Yes but

1. this guy is only relatively recently out and divorced from a woman, so hardly “the voice of experience”

2. the mentor thing has its benefits as a learning experience, as an early relationship for a young person. Not such a great dynamic for a forever relationship/marriage IMO.

I’d be horrified and really really unhappy tbh. Whether it was my son or my daughter.

As to what I’d do - probably same as you. Take a few days to try and get my head round it and tread as carefully as I could. I’d want my son to be able to confide in me about anything and I certainly wouldn’t want to position myself in a space where he felt he had to ‘choose.’

So what you say depends on your relationship with your son. Just go lightly and make it very clear that you’re always there if needed at any time

but yeah - I think an age gap of almost 25 years is creepy and I’d say that regardless of the sex of the couple

It's fairly common amongst my gay friends to have a significant age gaps. Even amongst my straight pals, DH and I are unusual in being the same age.

I don't think thinking about living together with a partner in your early twenties is that weird, especially when your mum must have been having a baby at about the same age, now that's a commitment! He's happy and enjoying life, I'd just make sure he's aware of maximizing his own opportunities and financial situation, not just following the older man's lead when it comes to big life decisions.

Stephen Fry and his husband spring to mind, with their 30 years difference. Personally, I think it's up to the people involved and not anyone else's business as long as both parties are in possession of their faculties. It's their lives.

Big age gaps when one doesnt have a mature brain yet - grim. It may work out but with young children in the mix they shouldnt be rushing to marriage.

OP even if you like him when you meet point out that such young children really should have a while to get used to daddy being gay before they have to face the further upheaval of a step father. And your son needs to meet the children gradually.

I’d be quite open with my DS in saying that I’d be ‘cautiously welcoming’ of his new partner. Whilst he has freedom of choice of course, you also have freedom of judgment, and I’d say to my son that I love him and what the best for him, therefore I reserve the right to be cautiously welcoming.

For me, with such a large age gap, it’s about life experiences. Your son is only just starting out in his. His partner had many many life experiences behind him. Going through life experiences together can be wonderful. And inequality in this can cause imbalances.

I’d want to do this because I’d want to plant the seed of caution in my son’s mind, and to let him know I have his back if he changes his mind.

Bf has been out as gay for around a decade I believe.

At this moment, with all I know the only concern I have is the age gap.

The divorce and kids, whilst not ideal, are things I won't struggle to come to terms with. I was a young parent, and I was divorced at a fairly young age too, so I would be a bit hypocritical if I were to judge that.

Ds is very mature, he's on track with his career, self sufficient, and isn't a guy who needs to be in a relationship all. He's had plenty of options and has chosen this guy, and I trust my ds.

Next step will be chatting face to face with ds, and then meeting my sons boyfriend, and try not to say things like 'our generation' or 'back in our day' when having a conversation.

Grim. I would imagine the responses would be different if your daughter was 20 and her boyfriend was 46.