Oh god, I don't know how to title this or what to do or say.

[Ohgoodgodifeelsick]

My son is 22 and lives a few hundred miles away, I've known about his boyfriend for a few months, havent met him yet, but I've heard lots about him over the last few months and he sounds lovely. What I have just found out is that this boyfriend is MY AGE.

I don't know what to say, it's a lot to process. His bf was never in a position of power over him or anything like that, and everything I've heard over the last few months has been totally positive and the relationship sounds respectful and great by all accounts.

This feels really... I don't even know. Everything I felt about this man has been thrown into a tailspin now.

I don't even know what I'm asking, I'm in shock and trying to sort though my feelings before my ds comes and visits next week so I don't have some sort of emotional breakdown and fuck everything up with my relationship with my son.

Any words of wisdom or advice much appreciated. Or if someone could just outright give me a script so I don't have to think about anything that would be better.

This is a really wise post

Been out for 10 years but 2 kids under 12? Did he come out while she was pregnant or dealing with 2 under 5? That would put me off if nothing else. Still all you can do is meet him with an open mind then take it from there.

Thanks everyone.

I feel a little less shocked now I think.

I don't really want to talk to ds over the phone or message about it, so we will have a chat when he comes up and I'll be careful, but honest. Ds would prefer that than me trying to hide and be fake.

Then I'll ask to meet this guy, and I'll be welcoming and lovely to him.

Of all the things I know about him there is a lot more to be happy about than unhappy about, and that's all that really matters.

I raised ds, I trust him to make the right decisions for him, and I respect him and his choices.

It's so interesting that this is a pretty usual dynamic in a gay relationship, the more you learn....

I don't want to out too much detail but the wife has very happily moved on in her own relationship and has done pretty much since they split. AFAIK they all coparent well together, live near each other and are all fully involved with the kids and coparent brilliantly.

I have 2 sons. 1gay and 1not before they settled with their lovely current partners they went out with some people who I worried about them being in a relationship with. My strong advice to you is be welcoming. Ask questions as you would do of anyone but not pointedly or in anyway that could be construed as critical.
and pray.,
anything else and you run the risk of driving them away and entrenching the relationship.

Big age gap but you sound like you’re handling it well.

I agree @BusyExpert

Two things will hapoen there
Either the bf is great, amazing and they’ll build a fantastic life together.
Or
The age gap will drive a wedge between them (regardless of the reason incl difference in ‘power’ simply from having more life experience, or having children).

In both cases, the best thing you can do is to nurture your relationship with your ds. Which means welcoming the bf.

They are adults. Be supportive and welcoming, so what about age.

All of this. I spend a lot of time with gay men age 25-60, Grinder and the subculture of everyone buying into the twink/fox/bear/cub/daddy stereotypes have a lot to answer for.

Keep in mind that if this man has only been out for 10 years, perhaps a similar timespan as your DS, so he is unlikely to provide the mentorship, contacts, and introduction to gay culture that a man out for 20+ years would provide.

I can’t believe the difference between this thread and the very, very long thread about Emanuel and Brigitte Macron a few days ago. Pages and pages of utter condemnation of her exploitation of him ; okay, he was younger when it started, but even so…..

Interesting

I have a different perspective on this one as the eldest daughter of a man who came out as gay when I was about 10, 40 or so years ago. Having a gay dad was not all that unusual given the pressure on men of that generation to get married and have kids. Having a dad who came out, got divorced and had honest relationships was more unusual but allowed for a relatively healthy co-parenting relationship for mum and dad.
Fast forward a few years and dad had a partner who was about 20 years younger than him and when it came to it, only 4 years older than my DH. That was a bit odd, and we did tease dad a bit for having a toy boy but generally it was fine. They ended up getting divorced but that was nothing to do with age...

I think the difference is that the OP's son is a grown man in his 20s who met another grown man and started dating, while Emmanuel Macron was a 15-year-old schoolboy and Brigitte Macron was his teacher.

If Brigitte Macron had met Emmanuel in a bar and started dating him when he was in his 20s, it wouldn't be a problem. It's that fact that she met him when she was a teacher and he was a) a pupil and b) a child.

My ds has never been one for clubbing or anything like that, it's really never been his thing he pretty much goes to work, and studies. He kind of always had an older head on younger shoulders, but I do agree that the older man thing may well be because his dad is an absolute arsehole.

I have calmed down a lot after the initial shock. Thank you, it's good to have a place to sound off, say what I want without fear of upsetting anyone so I can calm down and feel reasonable and talk rationally with ds.

On paper I am an absolute shambles of a woman, but my dps mum welcomed me with open arms, so I'll extend the same kindness towards my sons bf.

Thank you for the perspective of the child as well, I haven't even began to think about the situation with them yet really.

If this man is as lovely as he seems and continues to make my ds happy then I'll have those children in my life in whatever capacity their parents allow/want/need if and when it gets to that point. If they are important to my son then they are important to me.