Oh god, I don't know how to title this or what to do or say.

[Ohgoodgodifeelsick]

My son is 22 and lives a few hundred miles away, I've known about his boyfriend for a few months, havent met him yet, but I've heard lots about him over the last few months and he sounds lovely. What I have just found out is that this boyfriend is MY AGE.

I don't know what to say, it's a lot to process. His bf was never in a position of power over him or anything like that, and everything I've heard over the last few months has been totally positive and the relationship sounds respectful and great by all accounts.

This feels really... I don't even know. Everything I felt about this man has been thrown into a tailspin now.

I don't even know what I'm asking, I'm in shock and trying to sort though my feelings before my ds comes and visits next week so I don't have some sort of emotional breakdown and fuck everything up with my relationship with my son.

Any words of wisdom or advice much appreciated. Or if someone could just outright give me a script so I don't have to think about anything that would be better.

A woman in my family married a man 17 years younger than her, she completely dominated owned and controlled him. She was a fecking horrible bitch though, she croaked a couple of years ago, he's still devastated.

I think it's OK to say one ( well thought out sentence). It's not healthy to walk on eggshells imo. Keep in mind "it's your life, not mine".

Ds girlfriend in the USA so I have said "how will that work long term when neither of you can emigrate?" So I'm.not saying it won't work, or it's stupid or I disapprove. I'm just asking that one question.

Just let him know your there for him. You know this, but outright saying he is too old will sour your own relationship.

Your sons sounds very young to be dealing with kids, as he may well have to if he starts living with this guy. Bit sad for him at 22 tbh.

To the people saying no one should marry at 22- that’s ridiculous. We are all different. My son married at 22, is exceedingly happy, as is his wonderful wife. They have a fabulous 12yo and they both have great careers.

Ds hasn't seen his dad for around 8 years, his dad disagreed with him being gay so that was that.

I think I need to meet this man, at the moment he's kind of an abstract thought, I will hopefully feel differently when I meet him.

Does that make it ok?

Me too.

I would just say something to your son along the lines of I’m happy if you’re happy, but I’m a bit concerned because of the big age gap and the fact that he is divorced with kids.
If your son can’t listen to a genuine concern expressed in a calm way from his own mother, that’s a separate issue.
I couldn’t just say nothing personally.

Nope.Some posters are so desperate to be seen as liberal they pretend it does though.

I think it's natural to worry OP, 24 years is a big gap.

However, I think adults need to make their own choices- the important thing is that your son is happy. I agree with PP that people on Mumsnet do seem to think age gap relationships of more than 5 years are an anathema.

I would meet the man and see what he is like, and just try to be their for your son. If they genuinely make each other happy, I think that is half the battle won. Also, bear in mind we aren't trapped forever into a relationship- if it doesn't work out, it's fine for your son to leave- make that clear to him.

For balance with some of the other posts here, we have 4 gay male couples in our social circle and the age gaps in their relationships are 1, 3, 6 and 9 years respectively. Two couples have been together since their twenties. So don't just accept that because your son is gay a massive age gap is inevitable, I don't think it is.

Let him be. It's quite common in gay relationships for one partner to be a lot older. I've known several established relationships where one's been in thier 20s and the other in thier 60s.

Sarah Paulson is 41 and her girlfriend is 80.

My son is 22, I would be just as concerned if his gf was in her 40s (thankfully same age).

I agree you need to meet him and possibly his family. It’s hard to gauge anything without getting a bigger picture.

There were similar concerns with Tom Daley and he seems extremely happy.

I would let your son lead. If he asks you to meet the man do so and get a feeling for him.

I think the fact he has kids and is an active dad (rightly so) gives you a really legitimate reason to tactfully raise some concerns about the age, life experience and commitments gap rather than just 'he's much older'. It's practical, not ad hominem. What kind of a relationship to they envisage and where do they both envisage fitting in a 22 year old, a 46 year old and two kids with all their respective priorities and plans?will your son expect to play a role in looking after the children?

However, I would see whether this continues down the route of moving in etc. I would just meet him first.

There’s 5 years between me and one of my son in laws and I’m the eldest at 67.

I think larger age gap relationships are more common in gay relationships - something about navigating a trickier situation and having someone who's been through it, who can really support and validate who you are. I have quite a few gay friends who've been in relationships with much older people. I think it's understandable to be a bit worried but I don't think it's quite the same as an age gap male-female relationship?

Inclined to agree..No WAY would I have been making sensible decisions at that age.

My son met a lovely man about 10 years older than me, he was really lovely and he would of done anything for my son, instead my son was nothing but horrid to him after he moved in, I was mortified.
We have remained friends.
Never judge who comes into your life or how of they are a nice person treat them as such. Age is just a small factor.

Age gap relationships are so the norm in my family that I wouldn't be too worried about it. My stepfather was 20 years older than my Mum, my stepmother 20 years younger than my Dad! I had a 46yo bf when I was 22. DH and I now 3 months apart.

I think you need to meet him and see how they are together. He sounds lovely!
Tom Daley has a much older husband doesn't he, and they seem great together.

The only issue will come when your ds will end up caring for him assuming they stay together. I feel sad for my Mum that her dh has been dead for so long

Why can you just have open and honest chat in a respectful way

Like ds you know I love you to buts, I've always supported you and always will, as long as your happy I'm happy, but I am worried this guy has so much more life experience than you do.
Ask for his views, have a conversation about it
End the convo with something positive like your looking forward ro meeting him and will go in with an open mind then do that

Why can't people just talk about stuff, in a polite respectful way

why's it grim?

therein lies your answer as to why he's gravitated towards an older man maybe?

I have come across two large age gap relationships with people I know. One heterosexual and one homosexual (men). At least 20 years difference in both.

In both cases I was concerned for the younger person, but on having met their partners and seeing them interacting and engaging with each other you could see how well suited and happy they were.

Unfortunately the older person of each couple has now passed away, which was devastating for the other. This, I think, is the biggest problem with age gap relationships in that there's a higher chance of this happening at a younger age for one of them.

I'd go into meeting him with an open mind, just as you would with any new partner that you meet. You might like or dislike them, but the same could be said at any age.

In a way it's good that you'll have more in common with his partner! Being able to reminisce is a good way of keeping conversations moving, though that would probably put a bit of the awkwardness on your son instead if he's not able to join in!

I appreciate your history makes you cautious, but I'd say be open minded.

Tom Daley and his husband have 20yrs between them and seem very happy.

What do you mean by never judge a person who comes into your life? You have to judge them to assess whether they are someone you want in your life.

Your son is happy. This is not about you. Get over it.

Plenty of people fall in love with someone twice their age. Maybe it's less common now than it used to be, but they can be perfectly healthy relationships. And there's nothing wrong with marrying in your early twenties, either. Not everyone wants to put off marriage until they're older.

OP, try to keep an open mind. You haven't even met him yet. Seeing how they are together will reveal a lot, and it may not feel as awkward as you fear. Ultimately, it's his choice to make.