Oh god, I don't know how to title this or what to do or say.

[Ohgoodgodifeelsick]

My son is 22 and lives a few hundred miles away, I've known about his boyfriend for a few months, havent met him yet, but I've heard lots about him over the last few months and he sounds lovely. What I have just found out is that this boyfriend is MY AGE.

I don't know what to say, it's a lot to process. His bf was never in a position of power over him or anything like that, and everything I've heard over the last few months has been totally positive and the relationship sounds respectful and great by all accounts.

This feels really... I don't even know. Everything I felt about this man has been thrown into a tailspin now.

I don't even know what I'm asking, I'm in shock and trying to sort though my feelings before my ds comes and visits next week so I don't have some sort of emotional breakdown and fuck everything up with my relationship with my son.

Any words of wisdom or advice much appreciated. Or if someone could just outright give me a script so I don't have to think about anything that would be better.

i would say nothing now OP but if it becomes more serious then I would have a chat with your son about how this age gap might feel as they age. He may not even consider this while he is in that first flush of youth.

I have a relatively small age gap (10 years) but I often wish that I had considered the impact when you get older. I’m not saying I would have made a different decision, we are very happy but I can see how the difference between 60 and 70 can be an issue and anything more is quite pronounced I think.

I know the advice on MN is always ‘butt our’ but if framed properly some constructive advice is always a positive thing

its very common in same sex male relationships. and no one investigates it any further than that.

Make no judgements to your son and remind him he is loved and always will be by you.

I would not be happy with this at all. But as long as he respects him then there should be no issues. The trouble is though - and how I would see it is this: He could possible trade him in for a younger model once DS gets older if he likes that sort of thing.

Came on to say this.
I'm gay, my ex girlfriend has a gay son who's been with his partner since he (son) was 16. Partner is older than my ex and son is now 36.

Good that’s a hell of a gap. My son who’s in his mid twenties had a boyfriend who was 42. It didn’t sit massively comfortably with his dad and I but we were supportive and felt a lot
better when we met him. He seemed nice but when they came on holiday with us we saw that he was quite bossy, always ordering our son around. The relationship ended after that holiday. I don’t think it’s uncommon in male/male relationships for one party to be quite a bit older.

It’s a positive thing that he’s heavily involved with his kids and what matters is how he treats your son. I would be a bit concerned as to whether there’s an imbalance of power in their relationship with the boyfriend having so much more life experience. All you can do is support them and welcome him into your family. And of course be there if it goes south.

its extremely common and problematic and a lot of the older actively seek out the younger only date younger and can be very predatory in their behaviour.

then it becomes well "i dated someone older when i was this age so why not", its just a self perpetuating cycle with not much introspection

but that is mens business and hopefully a reckoning will come one day. but its not right

The gay author Armistead Maupin talks about age difference where both partners are the same "gay age" based on when they came out.

If OP's son came out at 16 and is now 22, he's had 6 years of being out.

If his boyfriend was previously in a straight marriage, came out and divorced at 38 and is now 44, he's also had 6 years of being out. Same "gay age."

I'm a gay woman not a man but my anecdotal experience of male friends in age-difference relationships is that the "gay age" theory tends to be true.

grim

I think I mentioned that both those relationships finished after around three years.

TBH, in the OP's shoes I think if this relationship made my son happy I'd rather him be with an older man at this stage of his life than with some of the younger gay men I encounter. Some of them lead really reckless lives fuelled by porn and random sex with strangers.

Both my grandparents had an over 20 year age gap. My maternal grandfather had been married before but his wife and two children died before he met my grandmother. My paternal grandfather outlived my granny by nearly 16 years!

why does your partner also want to be your "mentor" that is not an equal relationship. that is a lasting power dynamic where one person will be the pupil/student

would anyone be championing a young woman dating a 20 year older man as a mentor.
I wish we wanted better for men, it so weird to be acting as if its ok for 40/50+ men to constantly searching for under 25 boyfriends.

Of all the things to be concerned about in this relationship, I really don’t think the age gap is the one! This boyfriend has children 11 and under? And ex-wife? And your son is only 22? If I were his mum I would be absolutely bricking it about the role my son would choose or have to take on wrt that pre-existing family. The boyfriend had children! He will always put them first, always ahead of your son. Nothing to do with young/old, gay/straight: taking in a partner who already has children is no joke. And your son is only 22! Oooof.

Anyone who thinks it’s okay should actually be around older gay men who talk about the younger ones.

Of the three gay couples I know; two have a big age gap. One met their partner age 20 and he was late 30s. They have been together almost 15 years and happily married with two dogs.

I totally get your concern, it's moving very fast when there are two young children involved, and your son is very young to be thrust into a step-father role.

It's OK to be concerned, but as others have said, keeping communications open with your son is the priority, so if your son finds himself worried about becoming stepdad at 22 he can discuss with you.

I think he's too young to settle down into a ready made family, and a break up could be very traumatic as kids involved.

It sounds like he is a father figure, especially as BF is a father himself - where is your DS's dad? Was he absent/a poor father? If so there is your answer.
Personally i would find it very hard not to point this out to DS if i were in your situation. And also point out to your DS that this relationship will not just be about two people but about 4 people given the BF's children (not to mention the ex - how does she really feel about her 'D'H announcing he is gay?). Does DS really want to have to plan his life around when the teenage children are visiting/staying? I would absolutely not want this for any DC of mine.

Given your sons older DP has the support of his ex wife and his iro 12 yr old children, I’d treat this as an opportunity of forging new family relationships. You never know this chap could become a

Compartmentalise your reservations and move forward on a positive basis.

You love your son and he loves this older partner.
there are many and varied family structures in this present age. This could be enriching.

You have much to lose by not being open minded. All the best OP!

I wouldn't like it.
I know there are some really successful age gap relationships but to my mind, most present an imbalance in power and experience.

I think it's unusual to be genuinely romantically attracted to someone 20 years younger. Sexually, yes...but that's a different thing.

Bit yuck.

“could become a friend”

Yes, I agree but doesn't make it right.

Bless given your own history of abuse, it's not surprising you feel uneasy.

And it's absolutely appropriate to gently check with your son that he feels fully comfortable and like an equal in the relationship. Also, if he is considering long term commitments like moving in/marriage, suggest to him that he considers the long term future - how his partner may become infirn while he is still relatively young etc.

Also, if having children through adoption is something your son may consider in the future, this could possibly be effected by having a much older partner (I am not sure on this, but possibly?)

But relationships with this age gap CAN work out and be happy.

I would just be honest and welcoming, but also discreetly and politely share your concerns.

Really hope it all works out - you sound like a lovely mom.

If your concerned and from what you have said you seem quite close to your DS then surely just a conversation with you and him can be had , I’m sure he will know it’s coming from a good place but age is just a number it doesn’t matter as long as he’s happy that’s all that matters ☺️

I've noticed this, is it because men are (broadly speaking) more predatory than women and they also predate upon other men?

Yes it might hit home to your son if he realises that his mum and his partner have more in common than he does!

Mumsnet is not the place to ask about age gap relationships be it men , women or man & woman as it’s rife with people who think that anyone under 25 is incapable of functioning as an adult or making an adult decision and anyone older going out with someone more than 5 yrs younger is predatory and some kind of pervert . In a minute someone will be along to tell you that when this man was 22 your son hadn’t even been born . Your son is 22 and a fully functioning adult from what you’ve said about him and if this is the partner he has chosen then just be happy for him and hope you like him when you eventually meet . FWIW our gay son has always dated people the same sort of age as him , I think his current boyfriend is a year younger.