DS not home and uncontacable

[lurchersforever]

I am starting to really panic. He is 18 and went to the pub at around 10 - I dropped him off to one further away than he usually goes to to meet friends. He doesn't drink or drive. When he goes into town he's out until around 4 and I (sort of) go to sleep, but at the pub he would be back by now but he's not.

There's a fault with his phone which means it doesn't connect or send calls and we haven't got round to fixing it, which is stupid. It goes straight to voicemail and I assume messages aren't getting through, even though they seem to. Whatsapp is one tick but the whatsapp call rings but he's not answering.

Where the fuck is he? It's not like him to be unreliable but I just can't work out where he'd be at this time.

Your post is quite amusing and something of a non sequitur.

An adult kid indeed.

I am sorry that when you were but a kid you left home.

@TheSwarm I allow him to stay out more than a bit late all the time with no checking in whatsoever and have done for years. I started panicking last night when it got past an hour later than the latest time I had expected. I don't need constant checking in - coming back by 1ish or 1 text would have been fine. What's the point in exaggerating what I have said?

Your circumstances were a completely different scenario. When you have left home it is out of sight out of mind.

What don't you understand about this particular scenario being out of character?

Putting the boot in to a worried parent is a nasty thing to do. Fortunately, not all of us have had an empathy bypass

Do you enjoy 1) stating the obvious and 2) making an already upset mother feel worse?
The son is old enough to sort his phone out himself. He doesn’t need his mother to do it for him.
Honestly! Some people!

My late teen goes out often and stays out sometimes 3 nights at his girlfriends so thanks for your concern but nothing has gone wrong with my 18 year old 'kid'. If you are going to involve your Mum with chats about your whereabouts when being dropped off, they know more, their worry will be greater as things have not stuck to your known whereabouts!

I've had DS's mates contact me about his whereabouts so I don't find that particularly unusual if you have involved people in your plans!

And on midnight on their 18th birthday you will worry about them no more.
Yeah right you never stop no matter how old they get
My 19 year old has just signed up for the army but he still gives me a hug every day and tells me that he loves me.
My 28 year old and 31 year old sons also tell me that they love me as does my 34 year old daughter, they all keep in contact if they are travelling as they know I worry.
Op glad your son is home safe and sound.

Er most people leave home at 18 to go to uni? You are an adult at 18 not a kid!

This thread really highlights the issue these days with overprotective parents and the problems with phones, being constantly available and tracking.

It must be hard to stop worrying when up until 18 you have tracked their every move. It’s not a good thing though.

Pleased he is okay.

I have no idea why people are jumping on you, your response was extremely reasonable given the circumstances- and just because he's legally an adult doesn't mean you stop caring. Glad he's home OK & you're fixing the issue with his phone. It's about care and respect, having those things means he'll be well adjusted in later life.

What he did was out of character though, which was why the OP was worried.

I don't worry when DD is at university, but if she was home and out late and was expecting to hear from her for a lift home and hadn't heard by 2 am I would be worried.

We are rural with poor public transport and taxis as rare as hen's teeth.

It wasn't me who referred to an 18 year old as a kid.

My DC went to uni at 18/19. They were as free as birds when there. When they are home and under my roof I consider it to be courteous if they let me know if their plans change. It was exactly the same for me when I was 18, in 1978. It remains the same if I'm staying with my mother and I'm 64!

The frontal cortex is not fully formed until about 25 I believe.

I was a teen late nineties, my Mum still worried about me, she wasn't overprotective. As I posted above, my Dad got a message posted on the Student Union message board and in all honesty, due to working all around the world and understanding risks, he is the most chilled out Dad, in fact my Mum's criticism of him (divorced) is that he wasn't protective enough as his work experiences had made him underestimate his perception of risk. In spite of his character he was still worried enough to get the message out on the message board. I really don't think it's a 'these days' thing.

All these posts saying OP is being ridiculous etc … you either don’t have 18 year old young adults or you simply don’t give a shit about them.

My dd was spiked when she was out. I was getting incoherent messages from her, I knew this was more than her being drunk. Thankfully, her friend (who I’ve never met) rang me to tell me dd was acting unusual and they’d called an ambulance for her. Thank god for her friends.

It’s very worrying when your adult child goes out, especially when something then happens out of character. If mine aren’t home by the time they’ve said, I text them and we keep texting until they’re home. It’s called communication, it’s how this world operates.

I feel sorry for those whose parents on here seem not to care. You don’t stop caring and worrying for your child just because they’ve reached a magic age number 🤦‍♀️

It's funny how the DC of mumsnetters miraculously turn into responsible mature adults on their 18th birthdays isn't it?

Meanwhile in the real world, a lot of 18 year olds are mid A levels right now and are not mature and responsible.

"When I was 18" posts are irrelevant and not helpful.

This ^
At 18 he could be living abroad/on his own. Worrying is natural, but it was a little too early to be sending out a search party imo. I don't know if you're normally like this when he goes out op, or if this was connected to unusual circumstances.

My parenting philosophy is any change in behaviour about contact can be worrying. So if it’s the first time they don’t come home or stay out all night then I worry. The next time I don’t.
This happened at 16 with one, 21 with another and the 17 with the last one.

" handing over the reins"? seriously?

Oh give over, it's not about not caring @Whattodo1610 😆

It's about treating them as adults, not babies. I respect and trust my adult children to make their own decisions, and contact me if they need me. Imagine being 18 or 19 and deciding to stay out later than you intended... "oh hang on I've just got to let me mum know". That's ridiculous.

You're welcome to your own hyper-protectiveness but don't try and shame other parents just because you're a fretter.

Once again, there are some absolute dicks on here.

I’d have been worried too @lurchersforever
It’s got nothing to do with his age, it’s got everything to do with the fact that it was out of character for him to be much later than you thought he’d be, with not just a quick, ‘Going to be late mum’ text.
My son is older than yours and has been away at university five hours away and I had no idea what he was up to and yet I still worry until I know he’s home safely here now!

That's awful, how worrying for you. I think the spiking is more prevalent now but I also think, depending on your age of course, that some parents in the past didn't really understand the risks out there, just naive. I think my youth and DH's youth actually informs my parenting of my teens.

And how will they ever learn to be 'mature and responsible'. Most 25 year olds aren't mature and responsible these days - are we expecting them to still call mummy 😂

It's nothing to do with being mature and responsible, jeez, let them go out and have fun, make mistakes, that's what life is about. Not having to call home every time your plans change.

Or under worry and naive from you.

In your opinion.

Exactly.

And my point is phones and constant tracking has made all this far worse. Because the one time you can’t get hold of them sends you in to a blind panic. Our parents didn’t behave like this. Especially when we turned 18.

He sounds like a very good son. Very reasonable, sensible and understanding. I hope you appreciate that.

(My mil still calls dh's friends when she can't track him and he's in his 40s and doesnt live with her... but yeah, he does hate it and it is one of the things damaging their relationship.)