Is this really inconsiderate or do we just live differently?

[Platespace]

When BF and I stay over it's usually at mine, for various logistical reasons. When he stays here I will have food and drink in that I'm happy to share with him. I don't particularly shop specially, but I cook daily for myself and will do enough for two when he's here and there's always bread/milk etc in.

BF thinks meal to meal, so he'll go to the shop (or takeaway) when he's hungry.

I stayed at his last night. A long planned thing, and he'd seemed excited that I'd be staying at his for a change. We'd eaten out last night, but at breakfast he literally had nothing to offer me. He was going to do beans on toast but there was no bread...

I can't imagine having any guest, let alone one who does so much or me, and not thinking ahead to what they'll have for breakfast, but then I guess this is the way he lives himself, there was nothing for him either.

Fwiw he does contribute to cost of food when he's at mine and will sometimes bring something.

I thought most people didn’t bother with breakfast or had something on the run?

If you were due to leave in the morning he probably thought a cup of tea would be all that’s needed. If you were spending the day together, he could have gone to the shop for something that morning or you go to a cafe.

To me he sounds godawful. Who in their 40s wants to have to tell a man to get some food in when you're going round there. I wouldn't have put up with that shit in my 20s let alone a man who's been an adult for decades. Couldn't be doing with a man who needed to be trained into behaving considerately.

This is hilarious because instead of talking to him about it, you came to MN to complain?

I don't think I complained at all. I wss questioning whether it was an issue or not, and the response is such that.some think it is and some don't, so not an unreasonable question.

At 48 he shouldn't be living like this. He needs to grow up.

Why? Genuine question. He has no dependents or responsibilities for anyone else. If this is the life that suits him, why does he "need" to grow up?

Sorry haven't RTFT, but do you really want to be in a relationship with someone like this? I would find it exhausting and infuriating.

Agree, if he's happy as he is then he doesn't need to change but that's probably the reason he's still single at 48. Is he successful in life in other ways? Good job? Savings? Nice place? Good friends? Relationship with parents? Fit and healthy? Etc

He doesn’t fit the mumsnet mould so LTB 🙄

If it matters to you have a chat about it OP
Not everyone needs the same thing out of a relationship.

I think he's made a lovely life for himself. He's not wealthy because he's prioritised other things and has a lifestyle where he works enough to be able to do/pay for the things that are important him, but also to allow time for them.

He has a lovely relationship with his parents and his brother and with old school friends and colleagues which he puts energy into maintaining, despite diverging lifestyles and interests. Loves his animals.

He's very fit and healthy and competes at a high level in his sport.

I agree absolutely, he's not someone you'd be looking to as a life partner if you were hoping for 2.4 kids and a big house in the country, but as someone to have adventures with in middle age, when you've been there, done that...?

Also for someone at my stage of life, the fact that he doesn't have ex wives and kids is something of a bonus 😝

He sounds lovely OP. Enjoy your time with him.

Don't get too sucked in (because you won't change him and you are probably not compatible to live together) ; and don't sweat the small stuff 🙂

If you're both low maintenance then it's absolutely fine! I love odd/different people as long as they are good eggs ofcourse. Makes life so much more interesting.

I think he sounds great, OP and it sounds like you are a good match in terms of what you want out of life and each other - which is what matters.

DH and I are low maintenance too - we're both straight forward people, who don't play games. I find it exhausting to have to work out subtle expectations and unspoken rules, and I'm really glad we are just open towards each other, and can take for granted that we each mean well towards the other- and we just tell each other if something is a problem.

Don't over-think it, keep telling each other what's important to you, and enjoy a wonderful relationship!

and can take for granted that we each mean well towards the other- and we just tell each other if something is a problem.

Yes, I think this actually takes a bit of getting used to. He does genuinely seem to do things becuase he wants to (or not), he's never trying to appear one way or another, so if he's with me it's becuase he wants to be, I don't have guess whether he's doing something nice to earn brownie points of manipulate me in some other way, but unfortunately that doesn't always stop me looking for it. I'm hoping I will get used to it.

I'm going to his for dinner tonight. He's going to M&S ...he'll let me know the time when he finishes work, which is because he wants to see me asap, I think. If he was more organised and set a time now, it would have to make allowances for finishing work later, which he might not need.

If it's too early for me (because I've bee on MN all day amd still have thongs to do!) I'll suggest a slightly later time and that will be perfectly fine.

It is a different way of life to I'm used to and it wouldn't have suited me at all when I was younger, but I'm finding I like it too now.

He may well think you're wierd for having breakfast. Who the heck wants to get up out of bed and start cooking.

He's just phoned from M&S all pleased with himself because he's got pizza and he's going to "make" a salad. Maybe I should expect more, but it's adorable.

Yep, still with the green flags. Love this guy.

Just seems a really honest, chilled sort of person with the important things front and centre in his life (spending quality time with you, maintaining good relationships with friends and family, animal lover…).

Have a lovely evening 🥰

Go with it OP, don't dissect his actions.
We're all different and he sounds like a good man.

You think it's adorable and that's great. But in that case why did you go on Mumsnet to question your choice to be with this man?

For me, the thought of a 48 year old man feeling pleased with himself because he's bought an M&S pizza makes my blood run cold and I'd run a thousand miles from him.

But I come from a family of people who are really interested in food and cooking and all the men have been able to cook properly from a young age and none of us would entertain the idea of being with someone incompetent in the kitchen, male or female.

There's a wide range of opinion on here about this man, some like you, think he sounds lovely, others like me think he sounds selfish and immature. If you like him, own your choice to be with him. You're never going to persuade those of us who think he sounds awful to change our minds, in fact the more you say about him the worse he sounds.

Me too!

He sounds straightforward, just lovely.

My mums 85 now on her own shops very little
out and about most days so eats out
reasons being
easy
no food waste
can have what she fancies when she wants as not litmed to what shopping she bought

at 85 would you suggest she grows up

we’re all different and if it works who is anyone else to judge and criticise because they think it should be done differently

👏 👏 👏