Is this really inconsiderate or do we just live differently?

[Platespace]

When BF and I stay over it's usually at mine, for various logistical reasons. When he stays here I will have food and drink in that I'm happy to share with him. I don't particularly shop specially, but I cook daily for myself and will do enough for two when he's here and there's always bread/milk etc in.

BF thinks meal to meal, so he'll go to the shop (or takeaway) when he's hungry.

I stayed at his last night. A long planned thing, and he'd seemed excited that I'd be staying at his for a change. We'd eaten out last night, but at breakfast he literally had nothing to offer me. He was going to do beans on toast but there was no bread...

I can't imagine having any guest, let alone one who does so much or me, and not thinking ahead to what they'll have for breakfast, but then I guess this is the way he lives himself, there was nothing for him either.

Fwiw he does contribute to cost of food when he's at mine and will sometimes bring something.

I think it's a bit of both, I tend to meal plan and do a weekly shop but my BF often shops daily or every other day (because he has the time to and likes to decide on the day what he fancies), but there's already cereal, bread, bagels, milk etc in for breakfasts!!

It can really just be the way he lives as he lives alone. I never have milk in the house as I don’t use it on a day to day basis so I would have to remember to get in when having a visitor (which I sometimes fail at).

There is nothing special about a bloke who literally cannot pre-anticipate your comfort and ensure he has food in for you

I honestly think it's a bit of a bloke thing. My brother and close male friend are the same. He's not single now though, so he bare minimum needs to get some cereals and bread!

The fact your BF has had a limited amount of partners also speaks to a ‘difference’ as many people will have overlooked him due to picking up a whiff of something just a bit ‘off’ or ‘different’ about him. This is by no means a sign that you should bend to fit him or to stop wanting what you want, just a way of you framing who he is so you can see that he is not inconsiderate in the usual sense of the word.

He sounds very considerate when you said what he is like with friends and his community, the fact he contributes financially to your food and turns up with food too sometimes. And the fact that when you point stuff out to him he apologises, takes responsibility.

He sounds like a good egg, but of course he might not be your cup of tea and that’s fine too. I think the doubts you have about ‘is he being inconsiderate’ are ‘no, he isn’t, he’s just not wired that way. He has lots of wonderful qualities like sitting up all night with me waiting for pain pads to kick in but pre-frontal cortex stuff is a bit hit and miss’.

Most men I know think like that.
Going to the supermarket means food for that evening, milk, tea and bread.

When I go,I think about 4 or 5 days ahead. I'll be thinking if I don't get this, this and this today,we'll run out in a day or two.

I have friends who ever have any bog roll. When they buy it, they don't buy a big pack. yuk . (Man & Woman couple,so it's not just men doing it)

Here's how it goes:
The night before, 'Platespace is staying over, so we'll need something for breakfast. <<rummages in cupboard>> Beans. Good. I'll get bread and do beans on toast.' <<goes out for bread>>

It's not hard.

Yes, I think I do have some doubts because he's so different. But he's different in lots of good ways. He's never played any games, phones when he says he will, makes plans and sticks to them, finds time for me. There was never any of the early realtionship anxiety, he's just straight. But also, that makes it feel a bit odd sometimes.

For me, it would depend how long we’d been together and how old we were. When I was first with my now husband and stayed at his I treated it like my home, I wasn’t being “hosted” and therefore would have discussed food plans before staying / gone shopping together etc

He sounds disorganised. I don’t often have bread in as trying to cut down but I would if a friend was staying. Next time, I’d remind him you need breakfast.

He’s 48? 😒

Honestly, watch that programme I mentioned. It might remove the doubts by enabling you to see that his difference is recognisable to you in a reframed way. He is so unlike what you’re used to that it’s setting off alarm bells but he seems to be a genuinely open-hearted lovely man who loves you (stayed up in the night with you, excited for you to stay over etc) with all green flags.

You mentioned he was a breath of fresh air from the game players but you might find that at the moment your view of him is skewed by feeling that being treated with red flags is a little bit normal.

Reading your original post, I assumed this man was 22 years old, maybe younger.

He sounds very clueless and immature.

So why didn’t you? What he did was inconsiderate and a bit odd, why didn’t you say anything at the time? I don’t get that at all, tbh.

So he’s a project? Sounds exhausting TBH. Every woman’s dream: another child to raise.

Mine does.

Yeah I know how thinking about something works.
My point is maybe he just forgot or maybe he thought he had some and didn't. Either way, it's not a big deal. The way people are talking about the man on here you'd swear he wasn't able to dress himself in the morning.
Nobody is perfect, we all have our flaws and bad points. She says he is otherwise a good guy and considerate so for me this wouldn't even register.

He’s good in other ways so maybe bring your own bread and butter next time.

My DH can be like this. He doesn't always make what to me are painfully obvious connections between Exhibit A, windows that need washing and Exhibit B, things with which to wash windows. Admittedly, he's lived with me, my linear brain and my love of lists for decades and extrapolates well ahead, much more than he did when he was young. But that's something that's been years in the making!

I think this is the most important point - he will take on board what you said and do differently next time. My adult son is like this. He is the most loving, funny, gorgeous man, but sometimes he just doesn't recognise what is important to other people, but if it's pointed out to him, he takes it on board and acts accordingly. He's incredibly straightforward and I don't think that makes him a project and, fortunately, nor does his girlfriend of three years.

Yeah, I'd see what happens next time. If he's someone whos been on his own a long time, doesn't have breakfast at home or think about eating he probably forgot that there are people who can't leave the house without bfast. Now he knows you like breakfast I would expect some consideration next time.

I would just accept that we can go to the cafe or he could pop out for stuff in the morning.
If he doesn't regularly eat breakfast at home or even like bread then he just won't have it in.
I would stop cooking for him if you feel he's not showing appreciation for your efforts.

I don't really consider a partner to be a 'guest' as such. If someone isn't a meal planner and prefers to just sort things out as they go along, I wouldn't expect them to do things differently when I was there. If they don't have bread or milk in at breakfast time, I would simply expect that we would do whatever they would usually do in that situation - nip to the corner shop to get some, or have breakfast in a cafe or something.

Given that you say pretty much everything else about him is good, and that when he comes to your house he brings things to contribute etc, I really couldn't get worked up about him not having any bread in.

I’d always have something in if I had a guest staying. I still remember staying at a friend’s place and her and her boyfriend were in bed until at least 11am. I was almost chewing my arm off with hunger and the only thing I could find to eat was 1 egg and 1 piece of bread. Then it was hours until we went for a carvery, I was actually feeling sick 🤢 I don’t drive for medical reasons and they live in the middle of nowhere so it wasn’t like I could even pop out and get anything.

Phew, rant over.

How would he buy in breakfast for one?
I think it’s ok on a work day he didn’t get anything in. I hate waste so would rather eat out than buy in breakfast (which I don’t eat)