Is this really inconsiderate or do we just live differently?

[Platespace]

When BF and I stay over it's usually at mine, for various logistical reasons. When he stays here I will have food and drink in that I'm happy to share with him. I don't particularly shop specially, but I cook daily for myself and will do enough for two when he's here and there's always bread/milk etc in.

BF thinks meal to meal, so he'll go to the shop (or takeaway) when he's hungry.

I stayed at his last night. A long planned thing, and he'd seemed excited that I'd be staying at his for a change. We'd eaten out last night, but at breakfast he literally had nothing to offer me. He was going to do beans on toast but there was no bread...

I can't imagine having any guest, let alone one who does so much or me, and not thinking ahead to what they'll have for breakfast, but then I guess this is the way he lives himself, there was nothing for him either.

Fwiw he does contribute to cost of food when he's at mine and will sometimes bring something.

I think it’s very inconsiderate of him.
He knows what and when you eat when he stays over with you and it’s not to much to expect he provides similar for you.
for example, I don’t drink tea, or take sugar but I always have some in for anyone who wants it
Everyone is offered a drink when they cross my threshold, even the Postman!
Kindness costs little money

Reader, I'd marry him.

This man is all green flags

My husband would still live like a student given the chance and we’ve been together 30 years, some people (often men) are like that. However he’s the most supportive, kindest & caring man and definitely a keeper. Sometimes you can’t have everything, as long as he’s got the important things right, that’s what matters.

You live differently he’s not hopeless or useless he manages perfectly well and it works for him
everyone is different

Do people really see their boyfriend/girlfriend staying over as 'hosting guests'?

Because I really don't see it like that at all. Before I lived with my partner, I never saw boyfriends as 'guests' and didn't really make any special arrangements for them. I think I just feel that if someone's sufficiently well-acquainted with me to have seen my fanny, they can probably deal with the fact that we might need to go to the corner shop for a sliced loaf if they want toast.

I don't see it as 'hosting guests', no. But I would've been quite surprised, in the days when DP and I didn't live together and I would sometimes stay at his, if he never had any food in one of us always had to go out to get bread. Likewise, he'd have been surprised if I didn't have anything in when he stayed at mine.And when we got together we were both in our very early twenties.
I just expect people to be grown up by that point, I suppose, let alone when they're in their forties.

I’m married with a family and often don’t have breakfast stuff in! I don’t eat it, children eat breakfast at nursery, and my husband gets something on the way to work. I didn’t realise that made us social outcasts!! Good job we found each other!!

We're not a big shop household, we mostly do little shops throughout the week - not quite meal to meal, but not far off. And neither of us eat breakfast. So I could easily have done the same - if I were going to stay at my boyfriend's house and I expected a specific thing for breakfast, I'd tell him in advance so he had chance to get it in rather than assuming he'd know.

Why would you be taken for a mug because he had no bread in?
You said he is considerate in other ways, was caring when you were ill and when you eat at yours he contributes…. If all that is true then I think you’re being unreasonable to be upset you had no breakfast

In that case just take what you want for your own breakfast with you when you go to his. Or get him to buy it on the way.
It doesn't sound like a hill you really want to die on tbh.

I know, I didn’t realise we were “hopeless” 🥲🥲

Very very split opinions then?!

He's definitely different, he's very much a tell you what he's thinking, doesn't pretend to be someone he's not kind of person, which is refreshing in some ways, but feels like lack of effort in others.

Nobody is perfect so you need to weigh in whether the positive outweigh the negative.

It reads as a lack of effort to you, but it's just who he is. Love him for who he is, he sounds a good person. The effort was there when you raised it with him and he was able to act on it for you. If this doesn't suit who you are and what matters to you, which is valid, then do you both a massive favour and end it in favour of him meeting someone who loves him for who he is and for you loving someone who matches what you need in a partner. Maybe it's a 'love language' mismatch?

But genuinely, you have a good man there. He just is perhaps not the right one for you?

Actually I think it's more that I'm wary I'm blinded to things I shouldn't put up with because I like him so much.

I wasn't actually bothered about breakfast, I just said I'd get myself something later. I was overthinking concerned that perhaps I should have been bothered. I am very low maintenance, but I'm not sure that's always a desirable thing to be.

For me, the main thing I’d want in a partner is kindness & honesty, plus obviously having a spark. Whether they remembered to buy bread when I came to stay wouldn’t matter, we’d just pop out for brekkie. I do think you’re perhaps overthinking this situation and that may be your personality quirk. Honestly, some of the best people in life are the scatty, eccentric ones who due to this have the inability to play mind games or be dishonest. These people can be hidden gems if you’re prepared to live with a little bit of chaos in your life.

Ignore the MN man-haters. He’s a man living on his own. This is what they do.

This could become a quirky thing for the two of you. I'd be annoyed staying some where there wasn't breakfast and wouldn't have a guest unless I knew I had breakfast food for them.

I'd start a discussion before staying again - do I need to bring breakfast with me/ buy something on the way? For me, the immediate problem would be fixed because I'd have food available for breakfast and I'd care more about than than somebody being inconsiderate if they were considerate in other ways. I think this would be the same for me if it was a partner / friend/ relative.

I don't think its a major problem i wouldn't split up with someone over it. If he's been living along for a while and is use to doing his own thing its easy to forget these sort of things. Next time you plan to stay over say have you got anything in for breakfast or do you want me to pick something up on the way over

No they don't. Not normal fully functioning thoughtful considerate middle aged adult men anyway.

So many women on here with pitifully low standards for male behaviour.

My adult daughter is just like that, she has just been diagnosed with adhd.Loveliest person but not great with the practicalities! I suggest you take a few breakfast bits over and hope he takes the hint for next time.

Whi wants a normal middle aged man though? 😉

I think the difference is that this man is gloriously un- fully functioning and all the better for it!

He's 48 years old! WTF 🤣 I assumed you were both under 30 when I began to read this. He needs to grow up a bit and start being more responsible tbh. It must be so expensive and so horrendously inconvenient to live like that. I'm sure he's a lovely bloke but he needs some work for sure. Is he possibly a tiny bit on the spectrum? as that the only legit reason. I can think of for living like this!