Is this really inconsiderate or do we just live differently?

[Platespace]

When BF and I stay over it's usually at mine, for various logistical reasons. When he stays here I will have food and drink in that I'm happy to share with him. I don't particularly shop specially, but I cook daily for myself and will do enough for two when he's here and there's always bread/milk etc in.

BF thinks meal to meal, so he'll go to the shop (or takeaway) when he's hungry.

I stayed at his last night. A long planned thing, and he'd seemed excited that I'd be staying at his for a change. We'd eaten out last night, but at breakfast he literally had nothing to offer me. He was going to do beans on toast but there was no bread...

I can't imagine having any guest, let alone one who does so much or me, and not thinking ahead to what they'll have for breakfast, but then I guess this is the way he lives himself, there was nothing for him either.

Fwiw he does contribute to cost of food when he's at mine and will sometimes bring something.

‘He won’t have a tidy life. There will always be a degree of chaos but what beautiful chaos that’s going to be’

A quote from the Inside our ADHD Minds programme from Chris Packham (BBC iPlayer)

He probably thought he had bread and beans. As he's not someone who normally has breakfast but grabs something on the go he may well have been expecting you both to nip out and grab something on the way to work.

Single people other than mumsnetters can live odd lives. A friend seems to survive on chocolate digestives and cola. Another seems to eat out almost every night.

Running out of food is no great issue, if we've nothing in and want breakfast there's a MacD nearby for breakfast muffins. You can manage no problem without getting food in. May cost more but then there's also less food wastage.

And I thought OP mentioned that the relationship was basically staying as just good friends.

Just say this to him instead of to us! If he's considerate he'll note it and it won't be an issue.

If he brings things and contributes to food at yours, maybe you should do the same when staying at his. Especially considering you are aware there's likely not much in there!

Yes and I'm so "straight" a bit of chaos might do me good....or push me over the edge 😂

Same here.

It's basic adulting to plan for standard mealtimes. (and I say that as one who eats breakfast maybe six times a year.) How hard is it to have bread, butter, cheese, eggs and/or peanut butter on hand?

People who can't think more than an hour or two ahead are extremely tiresome once the novelty wears off (and it wears off fast).

I’m naturally like your BF and would live that way on my own but I can’t and don’t with my family and guests, and when I was going out with guys back in the day I’d make a special effort to have stuff in for when they stayed. It’s crap that your BF didn’t think ahead. I’d tell him once and see if it changed. If it didn’t, I’d write him off as a long term prospect. It’s giving selfish and lazy vibes if he can’t match your level on the rare occasions you go to his.

I also live like this.

I get free breakfast at work and I’m in the office most days so don’t tend to have breakfast food in the apartment.

I do offer tea and coffee though! Did he at least do that?

It sounds like you just live differently.

I don't do breakfast, haven't done since I was a kid. And when me and DP first started going out I generally wasn't home for lunch either. So my kitchen tended to be rather sparse. I could easily whip up a full meal, but some toast or cereal for brekkie, not a chance. It took me a while to get into the habit of picking that stuff up when in the supermarket.

Twenty years later, I still do it. My brother and his family came to stay last month. I went and did a big shop before they turned up. Dinner for 3 days for adults and kids, lunch stuff, beer, snacks, fruit. Got home, chuffed at a well stocked house for hosting. As DP helps me unpack the bags, she says "Have you got anything the kids will eat for breakfast? Or bacon for bacon sarnies in the morning or anything?"

Breakfast just isn't a thing that exists in my world, so its not even like I'm forgetting. It just never even enters my mind in the first place to buy that stuff, any more than I'd think to pick up a bag of heroin!

DH was like this till we got together, his kids still take the piss out of his empty cupboards 25 years later.

He’d be like it now if I wasn’t a greedy bitch who’s always thinking about food.

It's not that though is it. It's knowing that your gf is coming over, knowing that she eats breakfast and having the thoughtfulness and actual common courtesy to provide something for her to eat. It's irrelevant whether he eats breakfast, it's thinking about another person.

OP shouldn't have to be bringing her own bloody breakfast or telling a 48 year old man to get some food in like she was his mother, as other posters have suggested.

I think it's a bad sign. He sounds selfish and immature. At 48 a person should know how to behave like a fully functioning adult.

He can live how he likes, but when you make plans to have people overnight, you provide basic milk and bread.
Or you get your ass up and pop to the shops before breakfast time. How unimpressive ☹️.

I have a few male friends like this. They are not inconsiderate in every way but it's a running joke that they are terrible hosts and if you need to crash at theirs after a night out it will be slim pickings in the morning. It's always a massive contrast to another male friend in the group who often has people to stay and always puts on a great breakfast spread. This wouldn't be a dealbreaker for me if he was considerate in other ways; I'd just work around it.

Actually I do know one man who's a great host, but he's a complete arse in almost every other way 😂

reminded me of my teenage DD’s recent visit to my brother & SIL, she came home horrified - ‘there weren’t any meals!’

Told my parents about this and they weren’t surprised - said that bro & SIL don’t ever seem to eat meals, and when they’ve been staying there they have shopped for & created the meals themselves. The sort of situation an adult can cope with but a slightly shy teenager found a bit difficult! Intrigued to see whether this changes as they have a baby of their own who will eventually need meals producing…

My now husband and father of my children always took me out for breakfast or deliveroo'd coffee and croissants from a nice cafe and I never judged him for that. Wouldn't have occurred to me to expect him to shop for my breakfast.

Sounds like he just didn’t think it through, which could indicate ADHD.

Personally I think this is fine. You make allowances and work around it. Also understand it’s not on purpose- it’s a disability. It’s not he hasn’t bothered to think about breakfast it’s that his brain is not hardwired to facilitate that kind of thinking. BUT he can learn if you say explicitly what you want.

Just speak to him about it 🙂

My partner was a bit this way when we first met. I think when you live alone it’s easy to get by on the minimum. I think you need to tell him or take your breakfast with you but I wouldn’t be tempted to share! I always have food in I have kids so more organised in that way.

He's 48?!?!

It sounds as if his heart is in the right place for all the important things. This seems like such a minor moment of not thinking through the practicalities of breakfast.

To be honest, I’m not a breakfast person, I have either herbal tea or a builders tea and when single that is all I would have in the house. Whereas when DH and I were dating, the array of breakfast options at his house was on par with a hotel! It sounds like he would be receptive to feedback.

Also in his defence when I worked 5 days in the office and lived alone I never had much in and would just pick something up on the way home for tea and get a sandwich at lunch time.

Exactly.

I am not a breakfast eater but whenever someone is staying here, platonically or romantically, I ensure that there is a variety of food to offer them. It's just basic common sense.

I've been thinking exactly this the whole way through reading this thread! Thanks @Buxusmortus for saving me from having to type this all up!

Op this would bother me and I would probably come to the conclusion I couldn't be with someone who didn't think through what my needs are especially presumably in the honeymoon phase.

Personally don’t think this is a big deal at all. People seem to think that all 48 year old men should be religiously meal planning?! I have young kids and my husband will often have to pop to the shop en route home from work to get something in for dinner if we don’t have much in, no issues for either of us.

The thing that stuck out for me in the OP was the idea of being a “guest” in her own partner’s house. I would have a stocked fridge for friends visiting, but I’d never consider partners as guests in each other’s homes requiring advance planning, so if there’s nothing in that you fancy eating then you eat out/order etc.

Yuck at a 48 year old man living like a student