Is this really inconsiderate or do we just live differently?

[Platespace]

When BF and I stay over it's usually at mine, for various logistical reasons. When he stays here I will have food and drink in that I'm happy to share with him. I don't particularly shop specially, but I cook daily for myself and will do enough for two when he's here and there's always bread/milk etc in.

BF thinks meal to meal, so he'll go to the shop (or takeaway) when he's hungry.

I stayed at his last night. A long planned thing, and he'd seemed excited that I'd be staying at his for a change. We'd eaten out last night, but at breakfast he literally had nothing to offer me. He was going to do beans on toast but there was no bread...

I can't imagine having any guest, let alone one who does so much or me, and not thinking ahead to what they'll have for breakfast, but then I guess this is the way he lives himself, there was nothing for him either.

Fwiw he does contribute to cost of food when he's at mine and will sometimes bring something.

"BF thinks meal to meal, so he'll go to the shop (or takeaway) when he's hungry."

That's a very expensive, and probably unhealthy, way to live.

It is inconsiderate, inasmuch as he didn't consider how breakfast was going to be. And you do live differently - and that's what is the red flag for this relationship.

Right now, girlfriend-boyfriend with your own places, it works. What if you were to become serious, moving in together? Very difficult to 'live differently' under the same roof. How would things end up? With you doing all the meal planning, food shopping and cooking whilst he stood in the background shrugging his shoulders and saying 'whatever'. Your resentment growing.

So - he's fine for a light flirtation, but if you're looking for a life partner, I'd throw this one back.

that triggers my disdain for adults who cant adult, like people who never know when the bin is supposed to go out and end up living in chaos.

I suppose my thoughts would depend on how he reacted - did he go like omg im so sorry I am just out of practice, im so into my routine of grabbing something along the way - what can i get for next time. Or did he sort of shrug and go whats the problem ?

you dont really want to end up being his mum and having to remind him all the time.....

Sheesh, I very much cross-posted! He's 48? FORTY-EIGHT??

and we definitely couldn't live together, but I wouldn't want that anyway.

So in this case I would say before the next sleepover ‘please buy bread, butter, jam’ or whatever and give it no more thought. Breakfast should be provided before a day at work, but if he’s not usually bothered for himself I can see why he just didn’t think.

Food may not be high on his list, I've known people who can eat or not eat, if it's there they eat, if it isn't they don't and don't really seem to care until they get really hungry and then they eat anything. For them eating is just something you have to do to live, but what and when is totally unimportant, mainly applies to young men!

If you're not going to live together then it's not a problem. Id take your own breakfast next time.

but I don't want to take too much advantage of it!

What does that even mean? Pointing things out so he can address them (as he should) is in no way ‘taking advantage’. It’s basic healthy adult communication.

BF thinks meal to meal, so he'll go to the shop (or takeaway) when he's hungry.
He needs to grow up a bit.

Sounds like a lot of men living alone, but as it was planned he should have bought something nice for a little treat breakfast. We are very much cereal and toast here, but if people are staying over I might do a cooked breakfast or croissants or bacon sarnies.

But would DH?

Yes absolutely

In this case I would see the having nothing in thing as a quirk and know I would either ask him to get some food in, go hungry or provide for myself.

I've been married to DH for 23 years and unless I put food in front of him, he would forget to eat. He has other weirdnesses (IMO) but nothing that's a dealbreaker.

Say that you’re looking forward to breakfast next time and see what happens.

Why should this bloke change his entire way of life at nearly 50 because a few MNers don’t approve?? So much sneery judgement about someone you don’t even know.

How is it immature or “studenty” to not eat breakfast ffs? Given the number of people on here who survive on a lettuce leaf a week, I’d have thought it was a good thing.

I don't get this at all. I'm not playing games, if there's a problem, I'll tell him about it

I love breakfast and only miss it when I'm nil by mouth. Having the basics in for the simplest early morning toast and coffee is as normal for me as breathing. But there are a lot of people (some are in my family) who can't face eating first thing; it would not get their day off to a good start. Is your BF like that? If so, taking your own breakfast may be the way to go. If he's like that meal to meal though, it suggests a bigger issue with executive/organisational skills. My breakfast-averse relatives can plan tonight's dinner for example and shop for it on the way home or do a weekly shop online or in-store. Some online supermarkets, eg Sainsbury's, also have a quick shop facility that allows you to get a few things, so even if you forget to do a big shop, you don't have to settle for whatever the local takeaways can offer.

Now's the time to set boundaries before you're pregnant or married or both as this will just get worse and creep into other nuances of his believe me. Treat him like a child as he seems to live like one but challenge him to prepare you a meal at his as he's actually an adult and capable of buying food and thinking in advance.

I really feel that you are making way more out of this than you need to and taking it all very personally. This was a work day not weekend so he probably didn't think of breakfast because he wouldn't normally have it himself. I never eat breakfast at home when I am in the office so it wouldn't cross my mind to be laying out breakfast for someone else. It's probably just as simple as that really.
Why are you fixated on this being some sort of personal failing or red flag? It's wouldn't even register with me if he was otherwise attentive etc which you say he is.
Give the guy at break.

How long have you been dating OP?
He sounds very much still in bachelor mode. I too assumed he was early 20's, not nearly 50!

Jeez all this fuss over a bit of breakfast. He didnt have anything, so what, grab something on the way to work if youre that hungry.

But he said he was going to do beans on toast, so he had been thinking of breakfast (albeit not in a useful way!)

It’s not immature or studenty to not eat breakfast, it’s more that he doesn’t seem to plan any food ever: “BF thinks meal to meal, so he'll go to the shop (or takeaway) when he's hungry.”

Feels very wasteful and expensive to live like this, and to not even think about what to get in when your girlfriend is coming to stay - it just seems a bit disconnected and hopeless. For me, I like food and one of the things I liked from the start about my DH is that he thinks about this stuff too. If everyone is in the “food is fuel” camp and has money to spare on buying things out meal by meal, fair enough.

I read this as him having undiagnosed ADHD and my own DS is like this, right down to the apologising and the loving and caring attitude when you were poorly and so on.

I am watching Chris Packham’s Inside Our ADHD Minds and it’s so loving and compassionate. Have a watch and see if you can see any similarities with your BF. I believe you have a lovely man there who is singing from a different hymn sheet - very happy you were joining him for breakfast, but unable to make the connection that this would mean buying bread! ❤️

That wouldn't surprise me at all.

When he wants/needs to be he can be very organised, but it involves a lot of spreadsheets and reminders!

Maybe he just said that cause OP was asking for breakfast, or maybe he was going to and then realised he had no bread. I dunno? I just think it's weird to get so caught up thinking about it that you start a thread on Mumsnet. This wouldn't even register with me unless it was one more thing in a long list of inconsiderate behaviour (which OP says it's not).