Year 1 child excluded - help please

[ncforschoolhelp]

Hi all

I have a previous thread about my year 1 child's behavioural issues almost exclusively at school. He has now been temporarily excluded and I am really hoping for advice from any parents of young children who have been through similar, any teachers who could give any advice and any governors who might be able to shed some light on any appropriate next steps for me or from the school.

The reason given today was his level of disruption wasn't feasible for him to stay in the building and he wasn't calming down with the usual interventions the school give.

Happy to answer any q's and apologies for lack of insight so far.

@ncforschoolhelp
theres a group on facebook called Not Fine In School: Family Support For School Attendance Difficulties.
You may get more information on there x

@picturethispatsy thank you

Exactly. Especially if they have unmet and undiagnosed SEN! Many schools and teachers seem to have a bias towards ignoring or not understanding what might constitute, irrespective of their experience as a teacher.

This is not universal.
Camhs services are not the same across the country and will work in differing ways. It's a good idea to find out your local situation for sure.

I can say that my children could communicate that at age 6 pretty well. We had a lot of books on emotional literacy and regulation from a young age and we used to talk about it a lot. Perhaps you need to help your child with that to give them the language and space to explore it to promote self awareness.

@springtimemagic I hope your "worlds best parent" trophy is duly gleaming and polished on your mantelpiece.

Most of us are just trying to ensure our children are happy and healthy- and yes, this includes constant and ongoing conversations about feelings but my only just turned 6 year old little boy, who still wears pull ups at bedtime and cuddles his bunny Teddy all night long cannot quite articulate why he is feeling so afraid and nervous all day long at school. It must be exhausting for him being in constant fight, flight or freeze mode and I just want to help him navigate this.

Well done for your marvellously mature children though.

That's the last time I'll let myself be defensive on this thread! Almost all of you have been unbelievably amazing so just a huge thank you to you all. Except @springtimemagic who has annoyed me.

It wasn’t meant as a gloat - I was simply suggesting that as a course of action to help as I’ve also found that helpful. I’m certainly no perfect parent.

I do notice however that the language in your posts has been quite defensive to your parenting. It has firmly put the emphasis onto those external to your family. You are projecting the issue to the outside world. I just wonder to what extent you have considered what is going on that is endogenous to your family dynamic. As a psychologist that has worked with children as well as family dynamics, I see this a lot. Children can’t be helped until they have caregivers that work on themselves and the dynamic that they create at home. It’s certainly not about blame, it’s just about contemplating and acknowledging the caregiver’s very key role in their child’s lives. Unless there is an adverse set of events happening outside the home, like bullying or something else, anxiety will have been shaped by the home life in most part. Hearing the language you have used in your posts, I wonder if you are not alive to that (or consciously suppressing and projecting onto someone/somewhere else).

My children have also been in night time pull ups until age 8 when finally the chemical kicked in. That’s completely fine.

I honestly believe I've not been defensive.

You aren’t, you come across as distressed and worried, understandable as he’s your son. People forget you are allowed to love the naughty kid!
I have 3 boys, only one has shown behavioural issues. The other two have never once done anything similar
same parents
same family
same environment

I REALLY resented being told it was all the fault of my parenting

@bittertwisted I am super aware I am not perfect, I have anxiety myself and am having some CBT to address it and the thought I've "passed this on" breaks my heart. It's so tough, isn't it. I'm an anonymous person on the internet who could be lying through her teeth, but my son's upbringing has been calm, positive, loving and full of fun, curiosity and learning. My own wasn't so I'm so careful to not pass on any kind of generational trauma.

I do raise my voice from time to time and I can be impatient but I work really hard on this and my husband is very calm, very patient and very supportive. We do what we can and I really don't think we have "made" our son anxious. I think that's just the way he's built and we love him unconditionally.

I work with SEN kids and a good game for losing and for dealing with unpredictability is jenga. It also teaches that after the loss we can rebuild and go again.

Something here resonates with me about OCD. Making mistakes might be another thing to look for. OCD isn't just repetitive behaviours or obsessive behaviours, it can be really controllling things like winning. OCD can interlink with lots of different things but isn't easy to spot in the early stages.

Could you maybe look to journal with your child? Maybe 3 simple questions a day. I would say 3/4 emojis and get himt to colour or cirle one, then the best bit of his day and maybe something he didn't quite enjoy. It might just reveal a pattern.

Also have you tried the little crochet heart/hugs?
My LG who I still think might be on the ASD spectrum was still wetting herself at night and it was down the anxiety at school and social issues. I bought a birght blue crochet heart that clipped into the inside of her top and sprayed it with a little bit of my perfume.
It made a huge difference in calming her down. She kept it until it went threadbare even though she didn't need it any longer.

I would hate for you to think that you’re at fault. Even anxiety has a genetic component and we can’t help our genes. It’s not about allocating blame at all but perhaps think about what you can do at home with him.

I’d get some books, if you haven’t already, dealing with emotions - lots of different ones - and in the family make it into a joint activity for you all to talk about a time when you were feeling x and include him. Model it out with yourselves and then ask him and the little sibling if they can participate. Do it daily games maybe like jenga maybe and practice at home with simple games to help him have experience in a safe place of losing and you each talk about how you feel when you also lose.

You could also set up a little activity with ‘little people’ - could use anything to serve as each little person (toys if you have them or just simple objects) as long as each ‘person’ represents someone different. Set up 3 ‘people’ at school snd make him one of those ‘people’ - have a conversation about what each person is doing in this mock activity. Have it so that one of the ‘people’ does something anti-social and the other ‘people’ have to react to that. Ensure that he is not the aggressor in the activity (that’s important - you don’t want him to feel persecuted but rather an observer) - one of the other ‘people’ is the aggressor and have him comment on how the other 2 people are feeling in this situation and what does he think about that aggressor. This is a standard tool to help with theory of mind and self awareness and is very effective.

Have you done breathing exercises with him and mindfulness? There are great exercises on YouTube or on the Calm app if you have that. Would be helpful for you too as you also have anxiety.

I should say as well that modelling god behaviour and having rewards for that works much better than punishments. We all like praise even if it’s for not getting angry.

Another suggestion - there is a wonderful guy who has a neurodivergent child and has been on a journey with him and has learned a lot along the way. He has a podcast and is on Instagram etc. I’d really recommend giving him a listen for great suggestions on dealing with a ND child (if your child does turn out to be ND - would be relevant regardless I think). His show is Calm Parenting Podcast. He’s become quite famous and influential in the parenting space. He’s funny too.

I completely agree. A 7yo who CAN'T do this would be presenting with a lot of other impairments, which the OP categorically says he hasn't got.

I notice the random poster who called my comment "disgusting" hasn't come back, so clearly just a clueless troll.

@springtimemagic thank you - that is all really, really useful and I apologise for my misplaced defensiveness earlier.

We do breathing exercises really consistently and we try and adopt the play structure you've described but we will really focus on that, as well as the parenting podcaster mentioned above. Thank you so much - again.

To the PP who suggested OCD; I have OCD (diagnosed, not "likes things tidy") and I really see some of these behaviours in my son. Mine manifests mainly as thoughts and avoidance whereas I think in my son his anger and anxiety leave him in constant fight or flight especially at school.

He had an awful day at school today, hardly any time in the classroom due to how disruptive he was, so I'm very pleased it's the half term.

As are his teachers, I'm sure!!!

Also - we journal every day, he has a journal where he can describe how he felt that day, what he was proud of, what he would like to do differently, things he's learned etc.

Sometimes a school just isn’t a good fit. My child developed selective mutism. We threw everything at it, for private speech therapist but nothing worked. It snowballed quickly until our child could barely talk to anyone including us out the house. Changed schools and she was able to talk to the adults there on her very first day. They didn’t do anything but just be how they always are and mindful of her anxiety.

That’s brilliant. A really useful activity. I think something similarly reflective on a situational rather than general basis would really complement that.

I have seen behaviour like this at school and the child wasn't excluded until yr1. Up to then there was a seperate room they could access for calm time and the triggers were excluded (no football) I would suggest a meeting with the head, Senco and class teacher to discuss triggers, strategies and support. Unfortunately funding to schools is always a big issue as there isn't any🤬 An EP, therapist etc are all around £500 for a school visit😱

Oh, give it at rest. Can you hear yourself? 🙈 If you 'didn't mean to gloat' you have extremely poor communication skills!

To use your language...
I do notice however that the language in your posts has been quite undermining, patronizing and unhelpful.

Glad you're not my son's psychologist.

Oh yes! I forgot about this! We do this too. It's become a really useful way of reflecting on the day. My son loves it and reminds me if I forget!

I have anxiety too, OP. I tried CBT as well (didn't really notice any improvements). I too feel guilt, knowing that I may be in part the reason my son's are anxious, but we are who we are. But I gain strength in advocating for my kids and I actually feel far less anxious when I'm taking action for them. My son sees an ELSA each week (and used to see a clin psych) and we've noticed a big difference. He's gone from been really anxious and having low self-esteem, to being really quite confident and proud of himself - and he's asked to go to a summer camp with his friends for a day during half term, which would have been unheard of this time last year!