Really offended a friend. Would this upset you?

[Eastie77Returns]

Arranging where to go to dinner on a group chat with 3 friends and came up with a shortlist of restaurants. One friend (‘Sally’) said she could not afford any of those venues. The other 2 friends suggested some cheaper options but she said it was still too pricey as she has to factor in travel and babysitting costs for the evening. So we asked her to suggest somewhere and she came up with a pub that is honestly not somewhere I’d choose to eat (or drink for that matter) but by this time the group had been going back and forth for days so I said if everyone was in agreement we should go. We had a nice evening. The food was not very good and the pub attracts a rough crowd so not a great atmosphere but we sat in the garden and all enjoyed catching up.

My other two friends then messaged me separately and suggested that the three of go to one of the restaurants Sally had vetoed.

Can I ask if you were Sally, would you be upset or offended at this? She found out and is really hurt.

Better a dinner of herbs with friends. Yabu.

She was the only person out of the friendship group to be excluded. Of course she is going to be upset.

It depends on the dynamic of the group. If the four of you make a big effort to go out to dinner together, say, once a month and rarely see each other otherwise or in smaller groups, then I can see why she might feel this "extra" dinner out was a direct reaction to her nixing the preferred place. Is there any chance she thinks this second dinner is taking the place of your next planned meet-up?

Otherwise: someone proposed a smaller outing for people who'd wanted to go to the other restaurant and Sally was not one of those people. I'd be more likely to think that whoever organised the second dinner wanted to save Sally embarrassment and maybe didn't want to rub her nose in being short of money at the moment (thinking she would LIKE to go to the more expensive restaurant and can't - why keep reminding her of that?) rather than that they set out to exclude Sally. I can see the point that you might ask her anyway and let her refuse, but since she's so recently said she cannot go to that restaurant, I'd give the asker the benefit of the doubt.

See, you say "of course", and to me it's "why would they ask me to go to something I told them a couple of weeks ago I didn't want to go to".
I'm maybe too old to be obsessed by "friendship groups". To me there's mainly just friends. Some here, some there.

I think it's a really difficult situation but ultimately it's unreasonable of Sally to say you can never go somewhere that she cannot afford.

You say that Sally is really unhappy so I would put the ball back in her court in that I would ask her what she thinks should happen when three of you would like to go to an expensive restaurant but she says she can't afford it. The problem with this approach is that it gives her the impression that the decision is hers rather than yours but I would hope that she would find it impossible to say that you can never go out without her. It would obviously help if there are previous examples of three of the four of you going out without the fourth so there is a precedent.

I've declined when friends have invited me to join them for a meal or outing and I thought it was overpriced or something I didn't fancy or too far for me to travel. I wasn't upset at all that they wanted to do something I didn't. I'd only feel hurt if they hadn't invited me.

Because she couldn't afford it, not because she didn't want to.

And she still won't be able to. She didn't say she was having cashflow issues. She said it was too expensive and she didn't want to go there.

All you need to do was say ‘ Bet, Bev and I are going to go to that restaurant we wanted to try. I know you weren’t able to go and there’s no pressure but obviously if you want to / are able to join us, you’re very welcome’

Instead you increased the feeling of isolation by keeping it secret and then bellend Bev made it worse by posting on social media.

But, I mean, this is the thing. They clearly didn't feel they would have to do that. Sally did. Much like opinion here is very divided.

The problem to me seems to be that Sally is more invested in the idea of them as four inseparable friends than the other three are.

@IdiottoGoa I was just going to post an almost identical response.

I am surprised (but kind of not) at the lack of empathy demonstrated by some posters here. All @Eastie77Returns had to do was show some understanding and kindness and this mess wouldn’t have happened.

Then she could've said no. She wouldn't have felt like they had gone behind her back, though she still probably would've felt left out and like they didn't want her company much.

I mean, as I say, maybe she did feel like that. It's not a reaction I can personally understand. Seems incredibly needy and insecure. Of course people you know will do things with other people you know and not always invite you. Maybe, as I say, it's an age thing.

This, so Sally makes it clear she doesn't want to go to venue x when invited.
Other people want to go so arrange to ... are posters really saying they have to run this past Sally first?!

You guys have done Sally’s choice and now it’s time for you to do your thing. It would be wholly unfair of her to always stop you going to places purely because she can’t afford it. As others have said, invite her once the plans are firmly in place and she can’t afford come if she wants 🤷‍♀️

This is what should have happened. Not telling her reflects badly on the three of you who have arranged the meal.

Because if they are a friendship group of four, it makes it seem like money is not important then meeting up if they prioritise venue over seeing Sally??

What if they also have a "friendship group" of 3? And another one of five Sally isn't in? And another one with 6 only 2 of them are in?

It sounds like they almost always if not always go out as a 4. If it is usual for 2-3 of them to go out, I can't imagine Sally would've reacted the same way.

If they always go out as a 4, I'd save the expensive restaurant for dinner with DH or something and make sure Sally wasn't left out.

Not asking her looks shit. All it needed was a "Sally we're thinking of going Y on X, do you want to come?".

This.

@Eastie77Returns your friend isn’t offended because you went to a pricier restaurant, she’s hurt because you’ve gone behind her back. How can you not see that?

Well maybe Sally needs to get used to it like an adult. And the OP I'm sure wouldn't kick off if Sally went to the zoo with 1 or 2 of the others and didn't ask her.

But they already went to the place she chose because she can't afford this restaurant so I see OPs point about asking her about the expensive restaurant again will be awkward when she has already said it's too expensive for her.

They don't need to only do what she can afford, they were flexible and went to a cheaper place to accommodate her, she doesn't get to dictate that they are not allowed to go to any other restaurants that she can't afford.

No, of course not, but she is allowed to be hurt that they agreed to all go out without her.

Well, we have no idea about this, do we? OP only mentioned the one group of four. If they are close friends then I can see why Sally was upset, even though Sally knows she can’t afford the restaurant. The two things are not mutually exclusive.