Really offended a friend. Would this upset you?

[Eastie77Returns]

Arranging where to go to dinner on a group chat with 3 friends and came up with a shortlist of restaurants. One friend (‘Sally’) said she could not afford any of those venues. The other 2 friends suggested some cheaper options but she said it was still too pricey as she has to factor in travel and babysitting costs for the evening. So we asked her to suggest somewhere and she came up with a pub that is honestly not somewhere I’d choose to eat (or drink for that matter) but by this time the group had been going back and forth for days so I said if everyone was in agreement we should go. We had a nice evening. The food was not very good and the pub attracts a rough crowd so not a great atmosphere but we sat in the garden and all enjoyed catching up.

My other two friends then messaged me separately and suggested that the three of go to one of the restaurants Sally had vetoed.

Can I ask if you were Sally, would you be upset or offended at this? She found out and is really hurt.

Can’t afford to, not doesn’t want to go to. They are different.

is It normal for 3 of the 4 of you (any combo) to do things separately and leave one out? I think of it were me I’d feel left out - but I think because I’d know there was discussions behind my back - for example it wasn’t on the group and then found out about it on SM. Seems secretive. I think you should have mentioned it really.

Of you are a group of 4 friends. You should have given her the heads up that the 3 of you were going to try the restaurant. Even worse that one of you out it on sm

But they already went to the place she chose because she can't afford this restaurant so I see OPs point about asking her about the expensive restaurant again will be awkward when she has already said it's too expensive for her.

It’s all about the (sensitive) phrasing and the one stated earlier at 20.51 is a perfect example of kindness for this scenario.

So because she didn’t want to go she doesn’t expect any of you to either?

I don’t think it was handled well, but I also think she needs to grow up and get over it

No we don't, but is this how people's lives are now? I genuinely don't know. DO people walk around saying "this is my friendship group" and it consists of certain people they have on a group on their phone, and that's it, and they do everything together and nothing with other people? Has the world become this and I havent noticed because I'm old? I have shit loads of groups with massive amounts of overlap. The idea that all my closer friends would necessarily like one another makes no sense to me.

Are they never allowed to go out anywhere unless the four of them go??

Seems to be.... and only where Sally agrees is acceptable....so it's only ever Sally's decision and agreement that count!

I wouldn’t be hurt at all you all went where she could afford, you weren’t that impressed but you had a good time and now you want to go to the original place, it’s not your fault that she can’t afford it, you included her in the first place, and now you want to go to a nicer place.

You can do what you want obviously, but I think personally I would have told Sally about it and not let her feel it was being done behind her back (as she probably already felt crap that she can’t afford it) and definitely not let her find out on social media. Communication is the way.

No one has left her out. She doesn’t want to or can’t go to the place they wanted to go to. They aren’t all joined at the hip. She would have been welcome to join them but she’d airway made it clear she wouldn’t The OP is asking what the best course of action is.

it’s not wrong to want to go somewhere with friends and if one friend can’t attend then that’s on them. You can not possibly expect friends only to do what you want to/can afford to do. That’s so weirdly controlling.

Well she cannot afford to go. She cannot prevent her friends doing things that don’t fit her budget

I don’t think this is mean at all. So it’s where Sally wants to go or nowhere else? I don’t see anything wrong with parts of groups going tbh. It’s nice to have the chance to spend time in subsets sometimes. Sally is an adult and I’m sure should understand that constraints (around socialising among other things ) are part of adulthood- time, childcare, money, work, etc etc

Controlling

Its a courtesy to a friend. A simple conversation telling her they'd love for her to come if she could afford it, and no-one feelings need be hurt

She told us once she couldn’t go so why the need to ask again a short time later and cause continued embarrassment? Her financial situation had not changed since we went for the cheap pub meal. I just didn’t see any reason to repeatedly ask her if she wanted to do something she already told us couldn’t afford. I think that’s very insensitive.

But it's not insensitive to go without her and put it on bloody Instagram?

It sounds as though you think she’s in the wrong for being upset, and you’re not really up for listening to people who comment saying she’s right to feel upset.

I think you should’ve messaged and said you were all going there and that you understand she might not be able to come, but you didn’t want to do it behind her back and think she wasn’t invited.

I definitely think she deserved a message to say that. It would be such a major kick in the teeth. I can totally see why she’s hurt. It doesn’t matter that you’d already previously discussed this restaurant and she’d said she couldn’t afford it. She’s upset because you’ve all gone behind her back.

No, because she wasn’t going to go anyways. Are they supposed to never do anything because one of them can’t afford it? They’re not teenagers.

No. Not to me, it really isn't.

My friends don't have to invite me everywhere they go and don't have to pretend they haven't gone out without me if they have.

I thought every adult felt this way. But apparently not.

You or one of your other friends could have lightly mentioned the meet up and sensitively asked again. Yes, it may have been a bit awkward, but better that than her finding out you’d all gone and not told her, resulting in her feeling hurt. But maybe you were hoping she’d never find out?

Ouch. This is insensitive. Seeing as Sally couldn’t afford it.

I don’t think you were unreasonable to go to the restaurant you all wanted to try. But could have invited Sally. And posting a pic when she wasn’t invited was bad of your friend.

She repeatedly said she couldn’t afford to and didn’t want to go to this restaurant. It’s incredibly juvenile to huff when your friends, having gone to your choice of venue for dinner, then subsequently decide to go to the other choice themselves.

She's being a dick. Anybody who would be offended by this is not a true friend, they a simply an acquaintance. A friend would not begrudge their friend(s) a good night out at a venue that they had already declined an invitation to. They would instead be happy for them. If they did begrudge it, that would be the definition of a cheeky, entitled wanker.

I would be hurt in her shoes if I found out, which she will.

if I was in you and your other friends situation, I’d have chipped in a bit each and treated you mate or helped her out so she could afford to come. It’s mean to leave her out.

it wasn’t like she wanted to decline, if she didn’t like the place then I could see your point about still going. But essentially she couldn’t afford it.

how would you feel if they did it to you

Ouch. You have left out one member of your group because wanted to go to a set restaurant more than you wanted her company and you didn’t even tell her?!

If you were so desperate to go, just say on the group ‘I’m still really keen to go to XX, anyone up for it on XX night?’ Then she’s at least aware it’s happening.. if she raises it as an issue when you suggest it you can arrange something she can afford to attend on another evening.