Really offended a friend. Would this upset you?

[Eastie77Returns]

Arranging where to go to dinner on a group chat with 3 friends and came up with a shortlist of restaurants. One friend (‘Sally’) said she could not afford any of those venues. The other 2 friends suggested some cheaper options but she said it was still too pricey as she has to factor in travel and babysitting costs for the evening. So we asked her to suggest somewhere and she came up with a pub that is honestly not somewhere I’d choose to eat (or drink for that matter) but by this time the group had been going back and forth for days so I said if everyone was in agreement we should go. We had a nice evening. The food was not very good and the pub attracts a rough crowd so not a great atmosphere but we sat in the garden and all enjoyed catching up.

My other two friends then messaged me separately and suggested that the three of go to one of the restaurants Sally had vetoed.

Can I ask if you were Sally, would you be upset or offended at this? She found out and is really hurt.

I think it's all in how you present the suggestion. ie I'm still interested in going to X on Friday if anyone cares to join?
If Sally gets offended just tell her honestly that you all understand she can't go, the offer is still extended, but that shouldn't stop the rest.
Because it shouldn't.
It's only nasty when you hide it.

Sally probably broke the bank going to the cheaper place. People don’t admit they can’t afford to do something just for fun. It takes a lot for someone to say it out loud, even to people they trust. If she’s a good friend and between the rest of you it’s affordable why not offer to pay for the babysitter or the taxis, or offer to go to her house for a takeaway so she doesn’t have to pay for a babysitter? I have a friend in this position and that’s when we do. Sometimes she can’t come out but then sometimes other people can’t make it for various reasons. Just go with whoever can.

I doubt anyone would be happy about being excluded.

However, she seems to be dictating everything, when it's nothing anyone else wants. And she could have been more flexible, agreeing to go to someone's house instead of the dive bar or just limiting what food and drink she ordered at a nicer place.

And it sounds like the rest of you really only gave in to her out of exhaustion. So, her not liking to be left out the next time doesn't mean it wasn't reasonable or fair.

Where do you go from here? Do the rest of you want to continue to go out without her? Or is there another solution that you three like better and that she might go for too (especially now that she's been shown it's not all about her)?

The curse of Social Media. One of my friends posted a picture of the three of us on Insta.

This happens to me in a group of three with my two friends who have more money than me - they go to a restaurant I can't afford. They are always open about it and mention it before or after going. We don't always have to meet all together - sometimes two of us meet without the third. I am fine with it and wouldn't be offended about a group chat, in fact I am certain they communicate without me because why wouldn't they. I don't know how Sally found out but it seems quite normal to me unless you only ever do things as a 4 and never as a 2 or 3.

I do appreciate it that my friends suggest cheaper places when I know they can afford and would prefer somewhere pricier.

Well that was stupid and very thoughtless.

Or it just indicates that that friend doesn't consider the people who happen to be in the group the OP mentions as the Fantastic Four, never to be separated.

Don’t bank on that.

You can get a lot in Spoons for £25, and thats a middle of the road main somewhere ‘nice’.

Of course you dont have to go where Sally wants to go all the time but this is just mean. You kept it a big secret and now she's found out via SM- of course it's going to come across as bitchy and like you've excluded her, even if you didnt intend it to. Pretty stupid to post this on instagram too, knowing she'd see it- I mean, blimey- not a very smart move.

Just nasty actually. Lost all my sympathy.

Or, they didn't see it as "keeping a big secret" so much as going somewhere and not asking Sally because she'd said before, very recently, she didn't want to go there.

Sorry I haven’t read all replies as have been out.

But just to clarify: the restaurant we went to was one that was initially suggested but our friend said she couldn’t afford it and didn’t want to go there. I got the impression that she just thought it was a waste of money generally as we posted the menu and she made a comment that the price of various things was ridiculous.

At no point did it occur to us that she would be upset if we chose to go there separately as it seems she wouldn’t have wanted to go there anyway.

Do people think a group of friends shouldn’t ever go somewhere one person in the group cannot or does not want to go to?

"Do people think a group of friends shouldn’t ever go somewhere one person in the group cannot or does not want to go to?"

It appears some do! Which was news to me. But it appears Sally does too.

Does Sally have more invested in this group than the rest of you? For you is it just one set of people you know, and for her is it the only people she knows?

You seem to have different expectations of it.

She is being silly. So you guys can’t try a restaurant you want because one person can’t afford it. You went to the place of her choosing, so doesn’t mean you shouldn’t still go to the other place. It would have been shitty to invite her knowing she has already said she can’t afford it. She can’t stop others from going.

If it's not a huge deal then why not mention it to Sally? the fact it was all arranged behind her back means they felt some kind of need to keep it quiet and now the OP is posting about it because she's found out via social media and feels guilty. If the OP genuinely felt she hadn't done anything wrong at all then why the need to ask?

This is v sensible -avoids drama .

Because it wasn't a huge deal and they knew she wouldn't want to go.

If you arrange with some friends to go somewhere that's not "behind the back" of everyone else you know that you don't ask. It's just arranging a night out with people you think might like it.

LOL of course its behind her back- they arranged it out of the group chat so obviously didnt want her to see it

If you didn't think she'd be upset then why the separate messages?

Becuase they weren't asking her so why on earth would they do it in a group chat that included her?

Because she didn't need to see them! Are people not supposed to talk to one another out of a group chat now?

They clearly didn't want her to know that they had met up without her. OP said the curse of social media like she didn't want her finding out.

No, she said she couldn’t go because of costs. I’ve been that person in terms of cost location and being a fussy eater and always said to go have a great time

Even if they didn't - and that's not evidence for that - so what? They didn't lie to her. Why do they owe her an account of all their movements?

I really have no idea what some of you expect from people.

I’ve been you - my friend was offended and we fell out irreparably.

IMO you can go where you want. I’m not sorry I lost the friendship.