Really offended a friend. Would this upset you?

[Eastie77Returns]

Arranging where to go to dinner on a group chat with 3 friends and came up with a shortlist of restaurants. One friend (‘Sally’) said she could not afford any of those venues. The other 2 friends suggested some cheaper options but she said it was still too pricey as she has to factor in travel and babysitting costs for the evening. So we asked her to suggest somewhere and she came up with a pub that is honestly not somewhere I’d choose to eat (or drink for that matter) but by this time the group had been going back and forth for days so I said if everyone was in agreement we should go. We had a nice evening. The food was not very good and the pub attracts a rough crowd so not a great atmosphere but we sat in the garden and all enjoyed catching up.

My other two friends then messaged me separately and suggested that the three of go to one of the restaurants Sally had vetoed.

Can I ask if you were Sally, would you be upset or offended at this? She found out and is really hurt.

I she dictates to you all to go to a dump and now begrudges you all going somewhere nice?

I would drop her altogether and leave her to Wetherspoons or whatever ghastly places she prefers to frequent

yes i would be hurt - i would rather be asked (even though you know she will say no!), than something behind my back!

Doing that behind her back is a bit shitty to be honest!

I'd pick the friends over the place so yes, I'd be hurt.

@Eastie77Returns is she upset that she wasn't asked?

Or that you all went?

Or that she found out after?

Gosh let's hope none of your friends ever find them selves in financial difficulties!

I think she's being precious. She's already repeatedly stated she can't afford it so then can't whinge if people go without her.
Ive got friends from literally every walk of life and in the season I'm in at the moment I have minimal disposable income. Everything goes on my small children. If I see one of my oldest bestest friends who I used to do loads with doing wonderful things without me I don't care that she didn't invite me, I'm happy to see her having fun, she knows that I would only decline anyway.

I wouldnt go in secret, on a separate chat. I think thats the offensive part here.
Also, if youre a really tight knit group, then find something with a deal thats nice. Plenty of places are not that dear.
Also if youre doing abround robin of restaurants then be honest about it to sally. She can choose or not choose to come.
Arranging in secret is the hurtful thing here.

My other two friends then messaged me separately and suggested that the three of go to one of the restaurants Sally had vetoed.

so your other friends instigated the suggestion to go to the nicer restaurant?

Have you omitted to say whether you went along with that?

I don't get why you're saying you've offended Sally when you didn't contact the other friends or get involved in the discussion.

You’ve done nothing wrong. She vetoed all the suggestions, you met up where she wanted to go, and then you separately went to the original restaurant. That’s fine. If my friends wanted to all to go a Michelin star restaurant (not something I could afford) I would never stop them nor care!

Would the picnic be 2 flavours of crisps?

I think they were after a finer dining experience. Not cold butties and warm plonk on the floor. If my Friend suggested this, they would not be invited in the future

Or how about, being able to go the restaurant of your choice? Sally has repeatedly said she can’t afford it…why should the others have a picnic in a park, meeting in somebody’s house etc just to suit Sally?

No my friends can do as they wish. I don't own them. Likewise I can do as I wish.

Cant understand why you wouldn’t have told her / invited her. Even if she said no, again - it’s just the kind decent thing to do Friendships on mumsnet are so strange.

I’d feel hurt and embarrassed in her shoes yes, however….
I think it’s fine to go somewhere she can’t afford to go to, it could have been handled better, “I am going to try X next Friday, all invited to join if they can make it”

You guys suggested restaurants and she said no. She wants to dictate where you guys can and can’t go. She needs to be told to fuck off!

Yes I would have felt hurt.
I think you should have made it known you were going to go to the other place you fancied so that she was aware, rather than going behind her back.
If Sally had said she still couldn't afford it then you could have commented saying next time we can arrange something cheaper but we really want to try this place this time

I honestly can’t imagine preferring to eat in a nice restaurant leaving one friend out rather than go somewhere a bit crap but with everyone included. I value good friends over fine dining. I think Sally deserves better friends.

We're a group of mums who go out for lunch. Take it in turns to choose a venue, we get declines because of other commitments sometimes late in the day. No-one has ever pushed this hard. It's fine for her to sit this one out.

Perhaps you've all done her a favour, showing her that where you eat is more important than who you share the meal with. That's her cue to find new friends.

Why would you have to match a friends situation if they were in financial difficulties though? You are sensitive when you hang out with them, but it’s fair enough for someone to do whatever they want or go somewhere fancy on their own terms. Really weird to think you can dictate someone’s whole life.

But they already went somewhere crap with the friend, it wasn’t one or the other. Wanting to do something your friend doesn’t want to do hardly means you don’t value them.

I think there’s two aspects- you want to catch up socially (recently done), and you want to try a fancy restaurant, that may not be everyone’s thing. Much like going to a gig or a gallery with a group of friends. I think you should mention you’re doing it and say you don’t expect her to come, but you’ll all go out again socially soon to wherever suits her.

I’m generally the broke friend and no, I wouldn’t be offended. It’s not my friends’ fault I can’t afford certain things.

No but don't be sneaky about it and don't do it behind her back. I can't see why you can't occasionally go to a more expensive place. If not it means the group is stuck with going to cheap grotty places.,