Page 24 | Really offended a friend. Would this upset you?

Eastie77Returns · 2025-05-17T15:33:24+00:00

Arranging where to go to dinner on a group chat with 3 friends and came up with a shortlist of restaurants. One friend (‘Sally’) said she could not afford any of those venues. The other 2 friends suggested some cheaper options but she said it was still too pricey as she has to factor in travel and babysitting costs for the evening. So we asked her to suggest somewhere and she came up with a pub that is honestly not somewhere I’d choose to eat (or drink for that matter) but by this time the group had been going back and forth for days so I said if everyone was in agreement we should go. We had a nice evening. The food was not very good and the pub attracts a rough crowd so not a great atmosphere but we sat in the garden and all enjoyed catching up. My other two friends then messaged me separately and suggested that the three of go to one of the restaurants Sally had vetoed. Can I ask if you were Sally, would you be upset or offended at this? She found out and is really hurt.

SummerPeach · 19/05/2025 06:37

RawBloomers · 19/05/2025 03:55

There are lots of ways that lines of thought can be shown to lack reason. E.g. through a lack of valid logic or a reliance on an assumption that is not valid.

To insist that all lines of thought are equally valid is a great way to open people up to abuse.

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What?! Are you saying Sally’s friends left her out, and now she’s upset. And so Sally is being abusive??!! Because….. what?
if she’s a close friend and her friends care about her, then yes it’s expected that they care to make the situation right and validate and hear her feelings. (Quoted the wrong person above oops)

SummerPeach · 19/05/2025 06:40

RawBloomers · 19/05/2025 01:29

I may have worded that poorly, my point is that when you asked us to imagine we were Sally - this was what I imagined. I imagined thinking "Oh wow, they went after all, how great!" And seeing it as good and a sign of our great bond that they were happy to do my thing so they could spend time with me even though they all clearly really wanted to go to the other restaurant.

That Sally doesn't see it this way isn't OP's fault and isn't necessarily something OP should handle. There is much more onus on Sally to change here because it's her behaviour that is controlling and inappropriate. I can see the argument that someone should have mentioned it to Sally before hand but also that, depending on the details of the previous back and forth, it might not have been a good way to go. And even if that would have been a better idea, Sally's response is extreme and childish.

Edited

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So if you make a friend feel bad - even if you didn’t mean to - you only care that she’s upset if you think it would be something that would upset YOU? Otherwise you’re like “you’re upset? That’s ridiculous! I’ve done nothing wrong. You need to get a grip.” Nice. Maybe Sally just needs friends more on her wavelength…..

SummerPeach · 19/05/2025 06:47

RawBloomers · 19/05/2025 00:14

If you arrange pretty much everything as a group together, then I can kind of see why she might be a bit put out at not even knowing the group was going.

But that seems unlikely to me given you've all been friends so long and you obviously have such disparate tastes in restaurants. And even if the case, since you'd had the big conversation about it before where the rest of you all loved it and Sally didn't, and you arranged to do the restaurant she wanted that you didn't, it warrants being a bit put out not being mortally offended and refusing to respond to people.

Sally chooses how to spend her money and you choose how to spend yours. If she values house renovations over facilitating friendship that's fine. there's a time and place for prioritising family. But she can't expect everyone else to hold off on what they want to do while she does that. Even if she just can't afford it, she needs to come to terms with that. You should try and do most things in her budget but it's unreasonable for her to want everything for the rest of you to be dictated by her limits.

I think you need to decide whether Sally is worth much sacrifice, because she sounds like very hard work as a friend. Too much FOMO and too little genuine happiness for others. Unless she normally goes very out of her way for everyone else, I'd be inclined to just ignore her snit and carry on as normal. She can join back in when she's got over herself.

At the end of the day Sally is now upset and feels left out. If that were your friend, you just wouldn’t care that she feels like that? Because it’s more important you hold on to showing that YOU did NOTHING wrong and holding your pride, and tell her she’s just being difficult. You may want to look up “empathy”.

SummerPeach · 19/05/2025 06:51

RawBloomers · 19/05/2025 03:30

You think that your friends arranging to go to a restaurant (let alone one you have already stated you don't want to go to) is them "talking behind your back?" That's really shocking for an adult.

I disagree that that it's necessarily a good idea to validate Sally's feelings here. Her feelings are valid in the sense that they are what she feels, but that doesn't mean they are reasonable. Validating feelings that are based on unreasonable lines of thought, especially where that has lead to such poor behaviour like this, is rarely a good idea in a relationship of equals because it provides positive reinforcement for the bad behaviour.

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They arranged it behind her back. After she said she couldn’t go because she couldn’t afford it.

greengreyblue · 19/05/2025 06:59

Nothing wrong with going to a restaurant separately because as Sally can’t afford it but everything wrong about the way you hid it and then publicly revealed it on social media Did you think she would react better to the shock of seeing the photo than she would if you’d phoned her and just let her know and asked if she could make it?

greengreyblue · 19/05/2025 07:03

The conversation:
” Hi Sally, was lovely getting together the other night. I’d really like to try out that other place at some point though. Do you think you’d like to come or should I just go with the girls if they want to and meet up another time with you? Didn’t want you to feel excluded. “

Flavourful · 19/05/2025 07:20

Honestly some people are strange! She’s already said she wouldn’t go there due to various reasons, you all went where she wanted to go, you all chose to still go to that restaurant. Yes I’d probably be a bit oh well you could have said you were going to the other place but I did say I couldn’t afford it. Your mate needs to see the other side, she explicitly said she couldn’t go, you don’t have to pay for her, and if she did want to go she could have said this time, can we put on the back burner for next time, as I’ll need to get some funds together, she didn’t, you all still went. Tough!

Lovemeapickledgherkin · 19/05/2025 08:08

I really don’t think you’ve done anything wrong here. You are grown women in your 40s with presumably many other connections and friendships. You aren’t joined at the hip. Sally was asked about the restaurant you all WANTED to go to and vetoed it. You then went along with her suggestion. The rest of you still wanted to go- I agree with you- why ask her again when she’d given several reasons why she didn’t want to?

I think Sally is massively overreacting here and actually being very unreasonable after you had all compromised in order to include her.
You don’t need the approval of everyone to try new things. Also the people saying that you should have all chipped in for her are being ridiculous.

Original poster

Eastie77Returns · 19/05/2025 08:17

Didn’t think this would still be going but to address some of the more recent comments about Sally being left out because she has less money than us etc: she earns more than the rest of us and the household income is pretty high from what I gather. The reason she couldn’t afford to come is because they have bought a doer-upper and Sally and her DH have prioritised renovating the house. It is a gorgeous home and their money will be going towards that for a while I guess.

It sounds like some of you think the rest of us shouldn’t go anywhere expensive until she has finished the reno and can afford to join us lol.

The restaurant we went to was a pricey Sushi place. Apart from the cost she said the restaurant, food and menu looked ridiculous and who in their right mind would pay £££ for tiny pieces of crap. Totally valid points! And no, I don’t think she was saying this as some of protective mechanism and deep down she desperately wanted to come🙄

And finally, there was no secret, ‘side bar chat’ (WTF😭). One friend said spoke to me and said do you fancy going to that restaurant, let’s ask other friend as well. That’s it. Didn’t occur to us that Sally would be upset because within the group we’ve all done things as twosome/group of 3 without mentioning it to the ‘missing’ friends.

Yes, Sally has also been out with the other two before without inviting me and it was fine!!

OP posts:

CornishMade · 19/05/2025 08:36

It's tricky as different people always take things differently. Maybe it would have been better if the group chat arranging the first dinner had included comments like, "well we'd still like to try Ivy Sushi so maybe the 3 of us will go another time soon; but this weekend we'll go to the pub."
But hindsight is a wonderful thing.

Deathraystare · 19/05/2025 08:36

Well you could hardly hide it from her. Someone would blab or knowing the obsession with social media someone would put it on there. I think the suggestion of meeting up at people's houses, all taking turn is much better.

Dogsbreath7 · 19/05/2025 08:47

She is being unreasonable. You accommodated her but eating out us about the food and venue. If it’s just a chat just have coffee. Of course invite her along but make it clear you all 3 of you want to go for a ‘nice meal’.

bubmut · 19/05/2025 08:52

"At no point did it occur to us that she would be upset if we chose to go there separately as it seems she wouldn’t have wanted to go there anyway." - that is the problem, how on earth did none of you even think about it upsetting her???

thepariscrimefiles · 19/05/2025 08:57

mumofoneAlonebutokay · 18/05/2025 19:52

I've given all I can to this thread tbh

Meeting up and not inviting the poor friend, without even telling her, is being a shitty friend

It can be difficult to be friends with someone poorer than you, but when you really want to be friends with them, you'll find a way

Like simply saying 'we're gonna go to the expensive place, we don't want to leave you out so you're invited, if not, we'll meet another time', will keep the friendship going and stop any hurt feelings

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OP has said that her friend isn't poorer than the rest of them, she just spends her money on different things, such as renovating her house so has less 'fun' money to spend on meals out. Her priority is a beautiful home whereas OP has said that her own house needs work but she prefers to spend her money on holidays and meals out.

SummerPeach · 19/05/2025 09:00

Eastie77Returns · 19/05/2025 08:17

Didn’t think this would still be going but to address some of the more recent comments about Sally being left out because she has less money than us etc: she earns more than the rest of us and the household income is pretty high from what I gather. The reason she couldn’t afford to come is because they have bought a doer-upper and Sally and her DH have prioritised renovating the house. It is a gorgeous home and their money will be going towards that for a while I guess.

It sounds like some of you think the rest of us shouldn’t go anywhere expensive until she has finished the reno and can afford to join us lol.

The restaurant we went to was a pricey Sushi place. Apart from the cost she said the restaurant, food and menu looked ridiculous and who in their right mind would pay £££ for tiny pieces of crap. Totally valid points! And no, I don’t think she was saying this as some of protective mechanism and deep down she desperately wanted to come🙄

And finally, there was no secret, ‘side bar chat’ (WTF😭). One friend said spoke to me and said do you fancy going to that restaurant, let’s ask other friend as well. That’s it. Didn’t occur to us that Sally would be upset because within the group we’ve all done things as twosome/group of 3 without mentioning it to the ‘missing’ friends.

Yes, Sally has also been out with the other two before without inviting me and it was fine!!

So she’s super wealthy - but still opted for a cheap pub that attracts a rough crowd?

Original poster

Eastie77Returns · 19/05/2025 09:00

bubmut · 19/05/2025 08:52

"At no point did it occur to us that she would be upset if we chose to go there separately as it seems she wouldn’t have wanted to go there anyway." - that is the problem, how on earth did none of you even think about it upsetting her???

Because, as mentioned, SHE has arranged evenings out with one or two of us without mentioning it to the rest of the group. Or she has suggested something, one person has said no and she has gone ahead without discussing it with the fourth friend.

One friend doesn’t really drink so Sally and the two of us went to a cocktail bar and didn’t mention it until afterwards. That friend was fine about it.

Sally and I have been to art show and dinner without mentioning it to the other two as we knew they’d be bored stiff wandering around the Tate. They were both fine with it.

I could go on. Numerous examples over the years. I know there are friendship groups where everyone is invited to everything but our group is not like that.

We are good friends but we all do things without the others WITHOUT telling the whole group.

OP posts:

thepariscrimefiles · 19/05/2025 09:03

ruethewhirl · 18/05/2025 21:04

What an unpleasant post and how rude to people who’ve taken the trouble to offer their opinions. If you really can’t handle being disagreed with, you shouldn’t bother asking people’s opinions in the first place.

Only you know whether you value this friendship enough to try and make things right, but it doesn’t sound to me like you do. I’m starting to think Sally would be better off making new friends.

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Posters aren't doing OP a favour by posting on her thread and telling her how horrible she is. She doesn't have to be grateful for their input and she can challenge their interpretation of the situation.

There are many threads, particularly in Relationships, where some very knowledgeable and supportive posters do provide lots of helpful advice and support to women in horrible situations, but this isn't one of those threads.

SummerPeach · 19/05/2025 09:04

Eastie77Returns · 19/05/2025 09:00

Because, as mentioned, SHE has arranged evenings out with one or two of us without mentioning it to the rest of the group. Or she has suggested something, one person has said no and she has gone ahead without discussing it with the fourth friend.

One friend doesn’t really drink so Sally and the two of us went to a cocktail bar and didn’t mention it until afterwards. That friend was fine about it.

Sally and I have been to art show and dinner without mentioning it to the other two as we knew they’d be bored stiff wandering around the Tate. They were both fine with it.

I could go on. Numerous examples over the years. I know there are friendship groups where everyone is invited to everything but our group is not like that.

We are good friends but we all do things without the others WITHOUT telling the whole group.

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Sounds like the pair of you do tend to do things together though. And the conversation about going to dinner was originally a plan as a group. So yeah she feels left out. Ultimately - it sounds like you’re not willing to sort it out with her, because in doing so you will have to swallow some pride.

Original poster

Eastie77Returns · 19/05/2025 09:04

SummerPeach · 19/05/2025 09:00

So she’s super wealthy - but still opted for a cheap pub that attracts a rough crowd?

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Not super wealthy, no. She lives in the SE/Home Counties. Her salary would make her pretty well off if she lived in a different part of the country but it doesn’t go as far where she lives.

They have a high income but not a particularly high disposable one at the moment because of their commitments.

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DiggyDoodad · 19/05/2025 09:07

mumofoneAlonebutokay · 17/05/2025 16:38

So you left her out? I'd be upset, that's really shitty

I think you should've said, girl this is where we're going, we want you to come, and offered to contribute

Maybe you've contributed for her a lot and have chosen not to, I don't know but you are in the wrong here imo

That's the sort of response that might be expected if the four friends were a group of 12-year-old schoolgirls! 🤣

mylovedoesitgood · 19/05/2025 09:09

The restaurant we went to was a pricey Sushi place. Apart from the cost she said the restaurant, food and menu looked ridiculous and who in their right mind would pay £££ for tiny pieces of crap. Totally valid points!

So you're saying now you agree with her? If so, why did you go?

SummerPeach · 19/05/2025 09:09

DiggyDoodad · 19/05/2025 09:07

That's the sort of response that might be expected if the four friends were a group of 12-year-old schoolgirls! 🤣

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Actually it is ironically comments like this which are reminiscent of school playground antics. “LOL you sound about 12 years old!! 🤣” …… you are the immature one.

mylovedoesitgood · 19/05/2025 09:10

thepariscrimefiles · 19/05/2025 09:03

Posters aren't doing OP a favour by posting on her thread and telling her how horrible she is. She doesn't have to be grateful for their input and she can challenge their interpretation of the situation.

There are many threads, particularly in Relationships, where some very knowledgeable and supportive posters do provide lots of helpful advice and support to women in horrible situations, but this isn't one of those threads.

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Re-read the first post. OP isn't asking for advice.

SummerPeach · 19/05/2025 09:12

thepariscrimefiles · 19/05/2025 09:03

Posters aren't doing OP a favour by posting on her thread and telling her how horrible she is. She doesn't have to be grateful for their input and she can challenge their interpretation of the situation.

There are many threads, particularly in Relationships, where some very knowledgeable and supportive posters do provide lots of helpful advice and support to women in horrible situations, but this isn't one of those threads.

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No one has said she’s horrible.

Original poster

Eastie77Returns · 19/05/2025 09:13

mylovedoesitgood · 19/05/2025 09:09

The restaurant we went to was a pricey Sushi place. Apart from the cost she said the restaurant, food and menu looked ridiculous and who in their right mind would pay £££ for tiny pieces of crap. Totally valid points!

So you're saying now you agree with her? If so, why did you go?

I mean it’s valid to look at a restaurant and say nah, looks like poor value to me so I’m not going. We don’t all enjoy the same things, it’s fine.

The restaurant probably is overpriced, that’s London for you. We went for the experience as well and just because we wanted to try the Sushi as we are foodies.

OP posts: