Really offended a friend. Would this upset you?

[Eastie77Returns]

Arranging where to go to dinner on a group chat with 3 friends and came up with a shortlist of restaurants. One friend (‘Sally’) said she could not afford any of those venues. The other 2 friends suggested some cheaper options but she said it was still too pricey as she has to factor in travel and babysitting costs for the evening. So we asked her to suggest somewhere and she came up with a pub that is honestly not somewhere I’d choose to eat (or drink for that matter) but by this time the group had been going back and forth for days so I said if everyone was in agreement we should go. We had a nice evening. The food was not very good and the pub attracts a rough crowd so not a great atmosphere but we sat in the garden and all enjoyed catching up.

My other two friends then messaged me separately and suggested that the three of go to one of the restaurants Sally had vetoed.

Can I ask if you were Sally, would you be upset or offended at this? She found out and is really hurt.

Exactly.

I don’t think you have done anything wrong if you suggested these places before and she vetoed them due to affordability. You compromised last time and went to the place she suggested, now you are going somewhere the rest of you want to try. And doesn’t get to choose all the time.

I would stress the reason by telling her you thought she said she couldn’t afford to go there so you would not put her in a difficult position. Next time just tell her where you want to go and give her the choice and maybe do a cheaper alternative every other month or whenever you meet up.

When did OP say she doesn't actually like Sally? I missed that. It read to me that Sally felt very comfortable expressing her feelings.

After the meal, the others message privately to arrange to go to one of the more expensive places and completely leave Sally out of the invite.

Or arrange to go to one of the original suggestions which Sally has already turned her nose up, and therefore didn't ask her again because they know Sally did not want to go anyway?

However it gets spun, Sally is going to feel left out and hurt. The friends knew this. Hence they discussed it and planned it without her. Whether or not the Op cares that her friend is hurt, depends how close they are I guess.

Goodness there are some strange comments on here. The idea of a grown woman in her 40s getting upset when other friends do something s
he has already said she didn’t want to do is ridiculous. Talk about over dramatic and immature.

It’s fine for her to be hurt, but if she is a grown up she also needs to learn the lesson that friends are allowed to have social occasions where you are not involved and the best way to deal with it when you hear about an event to which you were not invited is to just realise it’s not about you. That’s probably the most important friendship lesson of my life.

Hmmm but true friends actually care about their friends, and they make it about the person who is struggling the most. Because they don’t want her to feel left out / hurt / patronised.

You ask would this upset you? it doesn’t matter if it would upset any other mum on mumsnet, it matters that it upset Sally. You left her out. You could’ve been honest and asked if she wanted to go and then if she said no then ask if she’d mind that you went? Or invited her suggesting that maybe you all go a little in the future when she’s had the chance to save some money? What’s more important your friendship and catching up with your friends or trying new places?

I know right. My friend Sally is upset, because I left her out on purpose. But I’m going to ask strangers on the internet if it’s Sally that’s the problem, instead of understanding and caring about why Sally is upset, and how I can help her feel reassured.

It’s thoughtful to ask someone to social events even if you know they probably won’t come.

Doesn't mean the others can afford to keep bailing her out. It's life. Other people have more than some.

exactly this. I remember when one of my friends had a baby. She actually messaged all of us saying that her social life was out for a good while, but to please still include her in invites. Which of course we would.

’’Would you mind if I went?’’ So you’re asking someone else’s permission whether you can do something you want to do? What the hell? Are you a people pleaser?

At most, she could say, ‘’Hey Sally, thanks for the catch up the other night, it was really nice to see you. Me and the others have decided we want to go to the original place tomorrow night/next week as we really fancy trying out the food, feel free to join us if you can afford it but we understand if not, maybe if not you can make it next time. xx’ End of story. Asking if she would mind gives her permission to forbid you from doing something 🤣🤣. There’s empathy and there’s being a walk over.

Then go somewhere that you can all afford. So no one has to feel awkward or left out or be made to feel like the different one for not being as well off. Some friends do actually care about how they make their friends feel.

Wouldn't bother me in the slightest and if I was I a group chat and the only one not interested in trying a place out for food, I would actively encourage everyone else to go for it. I would also be interested in what they thought of it tbh cos I like my friends and want them to enjoy with and without me. Life is too short and is for living.

Yes. But even though it wouldn’t upset you. Can you still see the possibility that it may upset someone else?

Off course, we are all different. I am however answering the question posed in the title of the post as it relates to me....have another look if you missed the question.

You know all your friends? Is it a prerequisite of all your friendships that every time you go somewhere, absolutely every one of your friends have to go together, every time? Do you not have sub groups or people you see separately ever? You sound like one of those types of people who would stamp their feet and shout ‘IT’S NOT FAIR!!!’ If any of them ever did anything without you. Like how five year olds act on the school playground.

No. Not every time. But in the context of all arranging together a group thing together then yes. And I wouldn’t purposefully leave someone out. If it’s a spur of the moment thing it’s obviously different.

Your comment seems so angry towards me. I wonder why.

People are allowed to arrange their own social lives and go wherever they want without someone else’s permission though. It’s nobody else’s job to make someone else happy, and Sally has no right to throw a hissy fit because her friends decided to go to a restaurant she had said she couldn’t afford.

It’s not like they said to her ‘Sod you, Sally, we can afford it so we’re going, peasant! Hahahaha’. They went to the pub Sally suggested so that they could see Sally and include her. That was good enough.

They are perfectly entitled to go to another establishment with whom they like and when they like, whether Sally does or not. They have autonomy and it doesn’t make them bad people. There may well be good reason why they didn’t tell Sally if she’s got the emotional maturity of a child like she seems to!

So the friends can do as they please. But Sally cannot? Her feelings are not valid. She has no right to throw a hissy fit in your words. So she does not have the same autonomy no?

No I wouldn’t be upset, you still met her, then went to the place she didn’t want to go to go to on another occasion!
if my friends planned a meet up around me I’d be grateful. If they then posted that they’d gone to try the other place out (that I’d already said I didn’t like), I’d think fair play and ask if they’d had a nice time….

You can’t expect to always be invited, friends are allowed to socialise with other friends… Maybe message her and say you’re all sorry she felt offended, you all wanted to try the place out and knew she didn’t want to so it was pointless asking her again. If she chooses to sulk that’s her prerogative, but you and your friends are allowed out occasionally in smaller groups, especially when it’s doing something someone doesn’t want to do…

Her feelings are valid, if that’s how she feels then that’s how she feels. She doesn’t get to make other people feel guilty though, her feelings are something SHE has to own because her friends are not responsible for it, they have done nothing wrong. That’s like someone saying to me ‘’I don’t like the fact you hung out with other friends without me’’ I’d say ‘’sorry that me hanging out with friends upset you’’ but it still doesn’t mean I’ve done anything wrong. They need to work on their self esteem and victim mindset.

If I’ve genuinely done something wrong I can own it and apologise wholeheartedly, but otherwise, no. I don’t think OP has anything to apologise for.