Really offended a friend. Would this upset you?

[Eastie77Returns]

Arranging where to go to dinner on a group chat with 3 friends and came up with a shortlist of restaurants. One friend (‘Sally’) said she could not afford any of those venues. The other 2 friends suggested some cheaper options but she said it was still too pricey as she has to factor in travel and babysitting costs for the evening. So we asked her to suggest somewhere and she came up with a pub that is honestly not somewhere I’d choose to eat (or drink for that matter) but by this time the group had been going back and forth for days so I said if everyone was in agreement we should go. We had a nice evening. The food was not very good and the pub attracts a rough crowd so not a great atmosphere but we sat in the garden and all enjoyed catching up.

My other two friends then messaged me separately and suggested that the three of go to one of the restaurants Sally had vetoed.

Can I ask if you were Sally, would you be upset or offended at this? She found out and is really hurt.

They asked if i was up for a spa trip and said what they were thinking and I told them I was sitting it out as we were stretched this year. They actually did change the venue to a closer one which would have made it more doable but still would have been a no from me.

I don't think they did go behind her back they asked who was up for the restaurant and she made clear she wasn't. I actually think it would have been worse to go back and ask again as she would have had to say she can't afford it again.

They've already gone to a place Sally can afford. Now they want to go to a nicer place. Sally could go and just have drinks, I've done this many a time...or sit this one out

Why should they?

No wonder so many Mners struggle with fruendships.

The same thing occurred to me several times whilst reading this thread. A relationship can’t thrive without mutual empathy.

Because they are meant to be friends, and meant to have each others back through it all. They want to have a fun meal as a group of friends right. Not very nice leaving someone out purposefully, purely because that friend has less money. OR you choose a cheaper place which is still nice. Plenty of eateries which are brilliant and don’t charge a load of money.

Sally begrudges that she cannot afford the more expensive options and feels that you should not go there either.
if I were Sally, I would (wrongly) feel like my friends had arranged this behind my back becuase they didn’t want me there. Perhaps sally projectsthis reason instead of facing her real problem of wishing she had more cash.
I would have invited sally even if expecting her to decline. Now I would say “dear sally, sorry. It was our mistake not to invite you. We wrongly but reasonably assumed you wouldn’t be able to come (based on previous conversations). Sorry that you felt excluded. Let’s go again another time with all of us. “

Great choice Sally last time. We really enjoyed it

next time we're going xxxx let me know so I can confirm the numbers

i know this has prob been said already and I haven’t RTFT but why is this being asked?

do one Sally

I think the fact they’ve gone straight back to their first choice after Sally’s “ lesser” option could also be an issue.
Sally choses a poor venue and next time gets left out.

I know you said you said you had a good night despite it being a crap choice but is that the impression Sally got since you excluded her.

id only be hurt by the obvious chat behind my back and would wonder if there was now a “sub” WhatsApp group with the 3 of you that was going to be used more. I think one of you three should have said on the chat or whilst at the pub, I’m still really keen to try x place, I’m thinking of going in 2 weeks time if anyone wants to come. Sally should then graciously say “I won’t manage that but I’ll come along to the next thing” then I’d have suggested a coffee/ someone’s house something cheap around the same time. Or 2 of rhe 3 people should have made a plan then wrote in the chat Susan and I are going to x on x date if anyone wants to join. I’m in a group of 8 and often me and my best friend will make a plan that suits us that we want to do then we’ll write in the group that Rachel and I are doing X on X if anyone fancies it.

Sally's budget was just part of the reason for not going to the first place. OP said that Sally had derided the menu, calling it ridiculous and wouldn't want to go anyway even if she won the lottery.

Sally did not want to go.

Insisting having her meal paid for is infantalizing, if she's already said she doesn't want to go, so why not respect Sally's decision?

Exactly this. It’s the “ok let’s suck it up and go to this place so that Sally feels included, then we’ll all message each other privately without her afterwards to arrange the decent place that she can’t afford.” Not cool

Is that not the kind of thing someone might say if they felt like shit because they couldn't afford to eat there though?

For some of us, Sally is reminiscent of friends we’ve had in the past, friends that try and steamroll over plans and make it about them every time. My friendship group always tried to accommodate the friend who always seemed to have a reason she couldn’t attend a catch up. We changed dates, venues, times, you name it we bent over backwards so she was included. Eventually though, we stopped asking as it was always met with resistance. In the end, when we invited her she moaned and if we didn’t she moaned.

Plenty of us have empathy, including OP since she did accommodate her friend by going to the pub with her. God forbid she dares go somewhere she wants without her. 😧 The horror!! It was outside of her friends budget, perhaps she didn’t want her friend vetoing it and ruining it again.

Exactly this. Is she upset because you went to a more expensive place? Or because you did it without telling her? You never know she might have been able to get cheaper babysitting this time so be able to afford a more expensive meal.

She hasn’t got as much money as the others. Give her a break.

Which is fair enough, but they’ve already gone to the pub she chose for that reason. Are they not allowed to ever go anywhere else if Sally can’t? Do they always have to run everything by Sally? No. Sally isn’t in charge of other people’s social arrangements. That’s absolutely fucking ridiculous.

If they NEVER included Sally, I’d get it, but they’ve already gone out of their way to go to the pub Sally could afford. Now they want to go somewhere else. Someone call the police, it’s barbaric! 🙄

OP knows Sally better than any of us. I think suggesting that Sally is just saying those things to make her feel better is a bit of a stretch.

In my experience, my friends or members of family are generally honest about potential meet up venues whether they can afford the cost or not.

I think in your shoes (or any of your friends) a quick text would suffice. ‘Sally, we’re thinking of going to xx on xx date. I know you weren’t up for it last time but wanted to check this was still the case?’ Although in Sallys case I couldn’t see myself being deeply offended with friends visiting a location I had no desire to

It’s thoughtless not to have said to one person in a group of 4 - the 3 of us are going to this place, we know you’ve said you’re not up for it, but would love to see you there if you change your mind. That’s it. If you want to maintain the friendship, make a sincere apology to that effect. If she doesn’t accept the offer of a sincere apology, move on. If you’re not inclined to make a sincere apology, move on.

No one is suggesting this. They can do whatever they like. But Sally can still feel hurt about it, and that’s understandable. As a group they decided to meet for a group meal out together. Sally couldn’t afford some of the suggestions. So she suggested something in her budget. The friends agreed - after all the important thing is they are together for a fun time right. Ok. All good. After the meal, the others message privately to arrange to go to one of the more expensive places and completely leave Sally out of the invite. Yeh I can see why she’s hurt.

Maybe you have better relationships with your friends and family than OP does. It's clear OP doesn't like Sally much, after all. So, not a stretch at all to suggest that Sally didn't feel comfortable being open about her feelings about the restaurant she said she couldn't afford to go to.

Sally wasn’t left out she made it clear she didn’t want to go. As someone in a similar age bracket and friend group - If my friends went somewhere I said I didn’t want to go to and couldn’t afford without me I wouldn’t care. My choices shouldn’t dictate the rest of the groups choices. This isn’t leaving a child out of a birthday party here - it’s an adult not going somewhere they’d already said they didn’t want to go to.

Did Sally say she was upset because she did want to go now? You can’t be responsible for her changing her mind if she did. Her being upset about it is weird - and no I wouldn’t have offered to pay for her as some people have suggested, that’s when things get messy and CFery can occur.

Maybe Sally was upset because it felt as though you just got the crappy old pub meal out of the way and couldn’t wait to have a ‘proper’ meal somewhere. Maybe she was under the impression that you meet up to enjoy each other’s company, rather than concerning yourselves with the quality of the food. And you had already done that. I wonder if she is embarrassed or annoyed or ashamed, or any combination of these, that the day out at the venue she picked clearly wasn’t good enough.

Because it would be a nice thing to do for a friend who is struggling.

This. I can’t help but wonder how close they all are as friends tbh.