Really offended a friend. Would this upset you?

[Eastie77Returns]

Arranging where to go to dinner on a group chat with 3 friends and came up with a shortlist of restaurants. One friend (‘Sally’) said she could not afford any of those venues. The other 2 friends suggested some cheaper options but she said it was still too pricey as she has to factor in travel and babysitting costs for the evening. So we asked her to suggest somewhere and she came up with a pub that is honestly not somewhere I’d choose to eat (or drink for that matter) but by this time the group had been going back and forth for days so I said if everyone was in agreement we should go. We had a nice evening. The food was not very good and the pub attracts a rough crowd so not a great atmosphere but we sat in the garden and all enjoyed catching up.

My other two friends then messaged me separately and suggested that the three of go to one of the restaurants Sally had vetoed.

Can I ask if you were Sally, would you be upset or offended at this? She found out and is really hurt.

I'd be upset i hadn't been asked (on the 2nd occasion), but I wouldn't be offended dedicated if you had all come without me.. especially as I'd chosen the resturant/pub the first time.
Always nice to be asked regardless!

She’d already said no

How did she find out ? That was your second mistake, the first was having side bar chat that excluded her

yes I’d feel v hurt

On what grounds is this ‘hurt’? Because if they posted it on SM, by definition it’s not behind your back. It’s taking you at your word thst you were definitely not interested in eating there, after you’d made this repeatedly clear. ‘Side bar chat’ is a teenage idea for adults whose ideas of friendships haven’t moved beyond the primary school ‘whole class parties’ idea.

No wonder so many Mners struggle with fruendships.

I wouldn't be offended by this. I'm in a friend group of four and some of us have different shared interests that means we do things in different groupings. We don't have to inform everyone for their approval or permission.

Your emotional intelligence is shocking OP.

You and your friends were dicks to Sally. Everyone is telling you so. Why can’t you listen and learn? Ffs.

Yeah I'd have said to her and offered her to come despite knowing what most likely would be the outcome

My thoughts exactly. Problem solved. Something like Pizza Express or Prezzo.
they often have good deals / cheaper menu options. It’s not the most ritzy place in the world, but the important thing is that you see your fiend and ensure she’s included. The food is always delicious at these places. And always a good atmosphere. And it’s not a cheap pub with a rough crowd.

For taking someone at their word when they repeatedly said they didn’t want to and couldn’t afford to go out for dinner to a restaurant, and after you’d gone along with their cheapie pub idea? Nonsense. That’s treating someone like a fellow adult. Friends don’t have to frogmarch about in lockstep.

Well, the thing is - Sally probably is DESPERATE to go to this super-fancy whatever restaurant that Op is going to. It’s not that Sally doesn’t WANT to go - it’s that she cannot afford it. The friends have been rather thoughtless in my opinion. Sally probably feels like her friends had to endure and “put up with” the cheap pub to keep her happy. All the while simply just waiting for the perfect date to do the “real meet-up” at the expensive place.

Not everyone thinks she is being unreasonable.

I actually question the emotional intelligence of grown women who seem to think they are still in primary school. It is really normal for my friend group to do different things with different people depending on interests and circumstances.

She has a choice whether or not to go. If she can't afford it she can't go. You've already accommodated her once.

I don't usually comment on here OP, but I didn't want to pass by without saying that I completely understand where you're coming from. I've read all your responses, and as a complete foodie myself, I thought it was very thoughtful of you to give 'Sally' the opportunity to pick somewhere that suited her (whilst it wasnt the rest of the group's cup of tea) and you went there and had a lovely time - to enjoy each others company. I understand why you went to one of the fancier restaurants a short time after and I also appreciate why you didn't mention it to Sally. Obviously in hindsight you know it would have been best to mention it to her that you were going, but I completely get your reasons for not saying anything also.

Maybe send her another message to say you're sorry that she's hurt that she wasn't included, and explain as you have here that you didn't want to make her feel uncomfortable by asking her to go to a restaurant she already had expressed she didn't want to go. Hopefully she'll understand the reasons behind it and will hear your side out. I'd understand if it was me, and while I might be upset to be left out I'd understand if it was so close to your previous catch up. It's nice to be able to go go nice restaurants - some people love this and others don't and each to their own, as you've mentioned.

I think you've had a lot of unfair comments made your way

She cannot afford it. It’s not her choice not to go. She has no choice. Her bank balance doesn’t allow for it. It’s the op’s choice to choose a place that her friend cannot afford.

The first time.

They’re a group of friends. They should feel comfortable talking about where they meet. They should always invite her because she is part of the group. Otherwise she isn’t.

I really don't think you are in any position to speak for Sally. You literally have no idea who she is as a person.

The simple reality is that's life. You cannot expect your friends to limit their activities to what you can afford. Being a grown up is understanding that. Two of my friends paid a lot of money to do a spa recently and I would have loved to have gone but with other expenses this year I simply didn't have the money. I would never expect them not to go or change their plans and do a bog standard spa to include me as of I'm some kind of charity case, that would be mortifying to me.

so you can have an opinion, but I can’t ? Sure. I guess you know Sally and the op personally and you’re the only one with a valid thought about it…… Cool.

Did they keep it a secret from you though? I think this is what people are saying is most hurtful, and not how friends treat each other.

This sort of attitude is mad. So if I’ve got a group of friends but I message one of them
and ask if they fancy a coffee Saturday afternoon, I’ve got to invite everyone? Nobody in the group is allowed to hang out if everyone isn’t there or isn’t invited?!

No I didn't speak for Sally's exact thought process. You did.

My point was that people have different budgets is just life. People have different priorities and that's ok. But it's not okay to say 'if I can't do that, you can't either.' I didn't ever comment on what Sally is actually thinking.

No I did not, if you re-read what I wrote.

I would say. Next arrangement we are going ...
Sally would love you to come but totally understand if you can't

But it’s nobody else’s problem that Sally is DESPERATE to go, Christ. This isn’t about OP, then. This is about Sally and her jealousy and childlike emotional regulation. She has already said she can’t afford to go so the rest of the group accommodated her so she could catch up. There would have been no point asking her again if she couldn’t afford it. She has no right to dictate where others choose to go.

There are things my friends have that I would love to have but I can’t afford it. Shit happens. I don’t throw my toys out of the pram whenever they post about their new car on Facebook because I can’t afford one. I’m just happy for them.

Sally needs to grow up. The chances are if the group had tried to invite her again she’d have tried to change the plans again and throw a fit about being excluded if she’s anything like my ex friend. The behaviour is very predictable with those types of people with a victim mindset.

Yep I would be upset if I were Sally.

You could have offered to all chip in a bit to pay for her meal.

It's hard enough to guess if a poster here is right to feel hurt/offended, much less a friend who isn't posting here at all. Really, what difference does it make what we guess?
The more important thing is, since you're all friends, shouldn't you have been aware that Sally has less money to spend? Instead of second-guessing her feelings, I think you'd do better to say to her "It was fun getting together, but the pub was disappointing. Why don't you put together a list of better options for next time?"