Really offended a friend. Would this upset you?

[Eastie77Returns]

Arranging where to go to dinner on a group chat with 3 friends and came up with a shortlist of restaurants. One friend (‘Sally’) said she could not afford any of those venues. The other 2 friends suggested some cheaper options but she said it was still too pricey as she has to factor in travel and babysitting costs for the evening. So we asked her to suggest somewhere and she came up with a pub that is honestly not somewhere I’d choose to eat (or drink for that matter) but by this time the group had been going back and forth for days so I said if everyone was in agreement we should go. We had a nice evening. The food was not very good and the pub attracts a rough crowd so not a great atmosphere but we sat in the garden and all enjoyed catching up.

My other two friends then messaged me separately and suggested that the three of go to one of the restaurants Sally had vetoed.

Can I ask if you were Sally, would you be upset or offended at this? She found out and is really hurt.

Yep absolutely shitty to post

I don;t think they are. They all compromised heavily on quality of venue specifically so she could join them. If they then want to meet up at a place she can;t afford, and they know it, no need to invite her. People don't have to invite everyone to everything, and you could argue that it was sensitive towards her finances not to ask her, knowing she'd have to say no.

It is pretty hard to stay friends with people on very different budgets if every meet up has to please everyone.

No I wouldn't be offended that you went without me, you already did what Sally suggested and she doesn't get to dictate where the rest of you go. BUT the secrecy would piss me off though, that seems a bit devious.

I would probably have said something along the lines of 'we're still going to try xyz, so if you change your mind let us know'.

It was a bit tactless to put a photo on social media, otherwise you can do what you like, Sally didn't want to go to that restaurant so fair enough.

Agreed!

I like to have a standing fixture as well (say, first Friday of the month etc) - it saves going back and forth each time you want to meet, and whoever can make it can make it.

I never get my way with this though, so the group I was supposed to meet last June are next meeting this July.

I've given all I can to this thread tbh

Meeting up and not inviting the poor friend, without even telling her, is being a shitty friend

It can be difficult to be friends with someone poorer than you, but when you really want to be friends with them, you'll find a way

Like simply saying 'we're gonna go to the expensive place, we don't want to leave you out so you're invited, if not, we'll meet another time', will keep the friendship going and stop any hurt feelings

The way people are talking about us "going behind Sally's back", it's like we are all in a romantic relationship together and three of us have cheated on her. I really hate to say it but I don't think male friendship groups have this kind of drama.

So much hyperbole from posters on here.

You are all (presumably) adults and yet so many of you have said you would be "devastated", "betrayed" and even "in tears" if your friends did this to you. And not because they went to a restaurant without you but simply because they didn't mention it to you first and ask you (again) to go with them. So a simple line from one of your friends saying "we are going to restaurant X, just checking in case you do want to come after all" is all you would need to hear and then you'd be fine?

Otherwise, if they dared to go without checking with you first it would be devastation, betrayal and hurt.

Gosh. Some of you need hobbies.

So a simple line from one of your friends saying "we are going to restaurant X, just checking in case you do want to come after all" is all you would need to hear and then you'd be fine?

Yes - because it's about feeling included. Being left out of something you don't even know is happening by your entire friendship group is a horrible feeling.

It’s just that how you have described events comes across as disrespectful to Sally. It’s not that you need to ask her for permission, but it does sound like going out of your way as a group to keep her out of the loop. For all you know, she might feel offended that you thought she couldn’t handle you all going out without her and had to keep it a secret. That’s what other posters are trying to say.

You should have said “we’re going to (restaurant), wanna come?” Then if she says no, that’s that.

I get what you mean about the token invite, but it's a bit like rubbing her nose in it: we want you to know we are going out one night to a place you've already told us you can't afford, so we know you will have to say no, just thought you should know we can afford it and we'll enjoy it.

I'd rather not be invited on that occasion but have plenty of other affordable meet ups at each other's houses or a quick drink in a pub.

If I were Sally and had said I didn't want to go somewhere for the reasons she did, I absolutely wouldn't give a shit if the other friends then went. Why would I expect them to invite me again when I'd already given my opinion on it and I wouldn't expect them not to go because I didn't want to. Massively childish behaviour to fall out with friends over this.

OP I think you are defending yourself vehemently because you want really badly for this to be ok and for you not to have BU. I think if you take a pause you will know deep down that this was insensitive. If you value the friendship I would apologise and try to make amends. If this is the hill you want to die on then you are potentially sacrificing a friendship for the sake of an expansive meal out.

OP, the way you write about “Sally” is so dismissive. I don’t understand why you’re friends. You don’t seem to have much in common.

You’re entitled to do whatever the fuck you like, and Sallys entitled to feel however the fuck she feels. If you were good friends you wouldn’t have to be asking here for opinions.

For what it’s worth, the way you write here is supercilious, dismissive, and arrogant.

Op you clearly don't think you did any thing wrong. You asked and you got told . Your replies are so defensive so just be secure in your actions and don't ask for opinions. 🤦‍♀️ sometimes there's no right or wrong. You just made a decision based on what you thought at the time about your friend not being able to afford the place you all wanted to go to. You should have mentioned it to your mate but you didn't, say sorry you didn't mean to offend . End of.

You posted it on social media??? How insensitive.

I think I would be upset even though I wouldn’t be able to afford it. I think it is the undertone - it feels slightly elitist. “We can eat here but you can’t - soz!”

I'm often Sally! I'm freelance and reduced my workload by choice a few years back. So I have less money than my friends for restaurants and stuff like that. But even when I was better off, I don't think I put as much store by going to great restaurants as they do. Different strokes for different folks! It's proof of your friendship that you all accommodated her by going to what sounds like a right rough old boozer😅

And when people still wanted to go to the original venue - and why shouldn't they - it's cool that you were mindful of not rubbing her nose in it and making her state her reasons again. In any case, you knew perfectly well what those reasons were, so it would have come across as rather disingenuous to pretend not to.

It's always difficult when one person in a group wants to do something different to the rest, but you can't have it both ways. You either accept that you're going to miss out on some group events, or you take a step back and make friends with people more in your income bracket. I accept that I'm more of a meet-for-coffee friend, than part of the 'let's go to this fantastic restaurant//spa/villa' group.

You should be proud that you took responsibility for trying to ensure everyone was happy OP. You sound very considerate and tbh, while I understand why Sally could feel hurt, she does sound a bit of a PITA. Maybe this friendship has run its course. It sounds like the whole situation isn't healthy for her, or fun for the rest of you.

Anyway, one lesson learned. If the rest of you do go off-piste, fgs nobody put it online!!

Like I always say, you can’t learn empathy.

I wouldn't bat an eyelid, tbh. Why is she so upset?

Should you not do things because your friend cannot afford it? They vetoed the venue before, you should have been upfront and told her you were doing both

Your friend has been left out.

I wouldn't be bothered. At times, I have had more disposable income and others less. Also we have had less babysitting support than others. I don't expect my friends to not have done things because I couldn't.

I have been Sally once, I made my excuses not being able to meet on that occasion early on, they got to go where they wanted. It wasn’t The Ritz just a nice local restaurant. I cannot dictate where the majority go, I just saved up for the next one and went then.

What an unpleasant post and how rude to people who’ve taken the trouble to offer their opinions. If you really can’t handle being disagreed with, you shouldn’t bother asking people’s opinions in the first place.

Only you know whether you value this friendship enough to try and make things right, but it doesn’t sound to me like you do. I’m starting to think Sally would be better off making new friends.

They haven’t gone behind Sally’s back because they already accommodated Sally by going to the pub she wanted to go to, even though they didn’t. Sally had made clear she couldn’t afford to go to the other place so what on Earth would asking her again achieve? Other than Sally possibly getting upset again and calling them unfair for not including her. It’s not her friends’ problem if Sally can’t afford it or is upset, no one else is responsible for someone else’s happiness.

FWIW, I had a friend like Sally, if you invited her to places she would get moody because she couldn’t go and would try to change plans all the time to suit her, which we accommodated plenty of times but she always had some excuse to refuse our original plan, it was her way or nothing, so we stopped asking and she got moody because she was left out. You cannot win with these pain in the arse types.

Not read the whole thread but seems like OP can’t win here.

Sally doesn’t want to go to the Ivy (or wherever) - she’s said so and the group went to her pick as a result.

The other three want to go. Sally’s already made it clear she doesn’t.

If the three tell Sally they’re going and ask her to come, they’re “rubbing her nose in it”

If they don’t want to rub her nose in it, they’re “excluding” her and “keeping secrets”

If they ever want to go anywhere Sally can’t afford/doesn’t want to go, they’re shit friends. And if they don’t want to pay for Sally every time, they’re also shit.

I feel really out of step with attitudes like these. I think YANBU, OP