Really offended a friend. Would this upset you?

[Eastie77Returns]

Arranging where to go to dinner on a group chat with 3 friends and came up with a shortlist of restaurants. One friend (‘Sally’) said she could not afford any of those venues. The other 2 friends suggested some cheaper options but she said it was still too pricey as she has to factor in travel and babysitting costs for the evening. So we asked her to suggest somewhere and she came up with a pub that is honestly not somewhere I’d choose to eat (or drink for that matter) but by this time the group had been going back and forth for days so I said if everyone was in agreement we should go. We had a nice evening. The food was not very good and the pub attracts a rough crowd so not a great atmosphere but we sat in the garden and all enjoyed catching up.

My other two friends then messaged me separately and suggested that the three of go to one of the restaurants Sally had vetoed.

Can I ask if you were Sally, would you be upset or offended at this? She found out and is really hurt.

It’s incredibly selfish to think that your friends should never be able to do something that interests them that happens to be out of your budget. It’s a really weird mentality that everyone should always revolve entirely around you.

OP just hung out with the friend at a place the friend chose so it’s not like they don’t plan things with her budget in mind at times.

But aside from that she derided the menu, said the food looked ridiculous and she would never pay that much to eat there.

Well, if it was a chain version of The Ivy, I wouldn't want to go there either, even though I could afford to pay for all 4 friends.

I’m not really seeing much of an issue here, really. Sally had already said it was too expensive and so you accommodated her by going to the pub she chose, but she doesn’t get to stop other people going where they want.

At most you could have maybe let her know you were going incase she changed her mind, but I can see why you didn’t if you thought it was going to be met with another disagreement and you bending over backwards to accommodate her. She isn’t the boss of where everyone else can bloody go.

No she isn’t. A group of four people can’t always adapt their plans for one person. Sally should have been gracious and offered to sit this one out but made sure the next meet up was one she could afford. Something like:
‘Fancy-Pants Restaurant is a bit out of budget for me this month so you three go without me. Shall we hit up ‘Spoons next month? Or, if anyone fancies a walk and a coffee next week, it’s always nice to see you.’

How can she sit it out if she doesn't know it's happening?

They didn't tell her, and planned to meet up without telling her, therefore leaving her out

Its a bit shitty of you all to be honest.

If I was Sally, I’d think you and the group didn’t value me because I wasn’t as well off, and that you valued the swanky venues more than the company.

OP the replies you're getting are really over the top here.

I agree with everything you've done. I have personally been Sally, albeit for different reasons: my friend group has an activity they've developed over the last few years, I was invited the first several times, always turned it down because I generally wasn't interested. Still am not. They sometimes still ask but mostly they've just cracked on with the activity, and I miss out on joining them and have to look at their happy pictures on social media. This was my choice, and what people here seem to be suggesting is that my friends should not do this activity so as not to hurt my feelings?? That's honestly crazy to me. I'm still friends with them and see them to do other things.

The only thing you've done 'wrong' is that you should have just informed her of the evening. So "Sally, we know you aren't interested in this restaurant, but we still are and are making plans to go. You're always welcome to join us but if not, we'll just have to plan to get together soon"

Also, offering to pay for her could definitely backfire. I'd be embarrassed at that suggestion and I can't possibly be the only one.

If the shoe was on the other foot for me, I wouldn't be expecting my friends to sub me. That would make me a CF.

Why are some posters ignoring the fact that Sally hasn't just declined because of the cost, she thinks the menu is ridiculous and expressed disdain for the other 3's choice of venue.

In my experience, when going out in a large group for a meal, you will never please everyone. I have a friendship group I often go out with, but I don't really drink and I don't like taster menu type restaurants, another one of our groups doesn't like going out past 6pm and another doesn't want to travel over a certain distance. This means that not everyone is there for every get together. None of us get annoyed with the others if they decide to go ahead anyway.

I would hate to think I'm the reason for stopping others from enjoying an evening out just because it wasn't my thing. If I saw a photo on FB of their night out, I would probably just like it and that's it!

It's sad that Sally hasn't the budget to go to a restaurant you chose together, but surely she can't expect everyone to only go where she can afford?

Yes 💯 I'd have been hurt as you did it behind her back. Plus the other so called friend posted your outing on Social Media knowing the friend would've seen it. Bit muggy tbh! Would it not have hurt to have all chipped in for her and let her know, yes she may have refused but at least she'd have known you were all going to this restaurant. I'd show her this whole thread and apologise profusely.

Sally has already been very clear and told OP and the others that she cannot afford to eat at this particular restaurant. If they invite her after she has already told them she can’t afford it then that would look like they are trying to rub her nose in it. OP wants to go to a nice restaurant with her friends. Not some shitty rough as pub serving crappy food. It’s hardly crime of the century and she shouldn’t feel guilty for it.

@shortsharp you on the 'Scottish wine' 😆🍷

How did she find out?

Poster!! What was the point of your thread? You asked a question, people have given their honest opinions yet you don't like the answers! I'm just glad you're not my friend !!!!

One of the "friends" shared it all over social media for her to see.

Fuck knows why this would be so hard to do.

There's nothing wrong with going to the nice restaurant

But there's everything wrong with doing it behind her back. A simple conversation explaining the plans before making them would stop any upset that their friend might feel

I think it’s incredibly rude to do it behind the other friends back though. If my friends were up front with me then I’d be fine with it, but it would hurt that it was done behind my back. Regardless of if it’s selfish or not, it doesn’t change the fact that it would hurt. Sally cannot control her financial situation, and whilst it’s understandable that friends who have more money may do things without you from time to time, it still hurts. Which is why I’d personally never do that to my friends. Each to their own though.

You're right, she shouldn't feel guilty for going.

She should feel guilty for sneaking about and planning it behind Sally's back without so much as a heads-up.

Oh gosh, the thread is still going.

@Spinninsweetness it’s not that I ‘don’t like the answers’. I accept the majority view that I did wrong and bowed out accordingly. I don’t really understand the logic behind that view but..life is a mystery at the best of times so there you go! What else can I say? I asked for opinions and got them.

For completeness, the restaurant we went to was not the Ivy as a few PP’s have suggested😂

I would invite her, but would be prepared to go without her if she can't go. I wouldn't be hurt in her shoes, but then I wouldn't expect everyone else to be limited by my own personal restrictions.

That would be buckfast tonic wine 😂

Hmmm I see it both ways.

I’d be sad if I was Sally but probably more upset that I just couldn’t afford to join in with the nice venue in the first place- I wouldn’t feel though that my friends couldn’t go because o can’t.

Its one of those situations, if you invited her it may have hurt her because she can’t join and seem cruel because you knew that, but on the other hand not telling her is a bit shady.

Sally can’t tell you where to go and who with but it’s natural for Sally to feel left out. It was probably a bit unfortunate both friends messaged wanting to try the place. All you can really do is have a chat with Sally and put something in the diary she can afford. Xx

By all means eat out separately, but you are idiots & insensitive not to mention childish for posting it on insta where she'd see it :(