Really offended a friend. Would this upset you?

[Eastie77Returns]

Arranging where to go to dinner on a group chat with 3 friends and came up with a shortlist of restaurants. One friend (‘Sally’) said she could not afford any of those venues. The other 2 friends suggested some cheaper options but she said it was still too pricey as she has to factor in travel and babysitting costs for the evening. So we asked her to suggest somewhere and she came up with a pub that is honestly not somewhere I’d choose to eat (or drink for that matter) but by this time the group had been going back and forth for days so I said if everyone was in agreement we should go. We had a nice evening. The food was not very good and the pub attracts a rough crowd so not a great atmosphere but we sat in the garden and all enjoyed catching up.

My other two friends then messaged me separately and suggested that the three of go to one of the restaurants Sally had vetoed.

Can I ask if you were Sally, would you be upset or offended at this? She found out and is really hurt.

OP must have an inkling that her and the friends have fucked up, or she wouldn’t be asking the question !

friend is excluded from socialising as she has less money …

it’s a friendship group ? Or a members club ??

if a friendship group requires a certain income to attend, that is NO friendship group -

Every time someone says sally has every right to be a bit upset, you reply defending yourself.
so really, you’re not that bothered if she is or isn’t upset and just wanted an echo chamber.

I hope not, because THAT would be truly mean.

You all went out together to catch up at a place Sally suggested after she had vetoed the other suggestions. All good

i get why she’s a bit miffed, missing out going out with you all, but she said she couldn’t afford it so didn’t want to go there. She can’t expect the remaining 3 of you to never go to somewhere you want to just because she can’t go.

Well, I could be wrong, but she just doesn't seem interested in finding out why Sally could be hurt or upset - she just bites back at everyone or gives sarcastic answers about how ridiculous Sally is being.

The thing is that no matter what you think. Your friend is upset. You may have one opinion but you can see from here that there are many others. Maybe just concentrate on trying to mend things with your friend. That doesn’t mean you can’t explain your thoughts but make her thoughts and upsets validated. You don’t want to lose her over this.

You have included Sally in the first place and took her option , if you and friends want to eat in another place she cant or won't then thats down to Sally.
She cant dictate or control where any of you go .

You and your friends did nothing wrong OP.

But she’d already said she didn’t want to go as she couldn’t afford it. You’re not a real friend if you begrudge your friends doing something you don’t want, or can’t afford to do. You can’t dictate what people can or cannot do, it’s childish and making them feel bad is horrible. They had already done something with her that they really didn’t want to do, proving they are better friends to her than she is to them! Maybe she should make some friends who are on a similar budgeting level 🤷‍♀️

Yes, exactly. Have any of you actually tried to understand her viewpoint?

How old of your friend, 13?
I really dont get why people put every single think on social media, especially knowing that your friend who you did not invite is on it and will see, seems like a purposeful way to hurt her.
Of course you dont all have to meet up all the time the 4 of you and you can chose to meet one or the other or all whenever without consulting the other, but this one does look super mean spirited, especially since you went to the place you know she couldn't and one of the idiots then posted it all over SM- like if you couldnt just go and have a good time without everyone knowing.
With friends like you, who needs enemies.

I’d be upset. I’ve had periods in my life where I’ve been the skint friend and I’ve had periods where I’ve been the friend with the most money and I wouldn’t ever meet up with other friends somewhere that was out of budget for another, it’s just cruel.

You clearly a) dont know Sally as well as you think you do b) a lot of people explained to you why she is upset and you still dont get it.
I think you need to accept yo uare not a good friend and no amount of laughing emojis you are pasting in reply to comments you dont like will ever change it.

I turn down lots of things that my friends are doing (I have a clingy toddler, don't eat meat, and I don't drink so child-free/meaty/alcohol heavy events aren't great for me). It's nice to be invited even though I often say no.

Should have. Complain

No i don't think I'd be upset or at least I'd tell myself off for being upset as it would probably just be jealousy that I couldn't afford to go. I would know that I can't tell them where to go on account of not being able to afford it. I'd have expected them to tell me though not just keep it a secret. Personally if it were a close friend I'd have offered to pay for them but that's because I have a very small circle and my friends are equally as generous to me as I am them so it's just our way. I understand people can be offended by that as well. Regardless, you're better to tell people what you do but all these social rules are a lot. I have aspergers if that makes my opinion on it more understandable.

I can’t believe the replies on here! People really expect their friends to sub them for nights out?!

I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong, I suspect your friend is probably paranoid that you guys thought the pub night was shit and maybe moaned about it, so your next night was almost like a replacement. Perhaps just reassure her that you had fun at the pub but also wanted to try the more expensive place.

It's nice to be invited even though I often say no.

This is exactly it. It's not nice to feel excluded, even if it's an event you wouldn't or couldn't attend in the first place.

I would have been sad, hurt, and then frustrated at my financial situation. Then, thinking more, maybe I should have broke friends like me 😅Lunch may be a less pricey option. Well, now you know her sensitivity and can be mindful of her situation. 💕Love to all

But this was in addition to the cheap pub meal Sally had suggested, not instead of.

Unfortunately this is a situation where someone is going to be left feeling pushed out. Do you know Sally’s financial situation? How much difference is there with the prices? Is she genuinely unable to afford it? Could the rest of you chip in? Share a baby sitter or take it in turns paying? Person who pays, pays chooses the venue. So you 3 can choose fancy places and when it’s her turn she can choose cheap and cheerful, so you’re getting 3/4 meet ups on nice places?
if she was genuinely struggling and an integral part of the group I’d happily chip in to include her. If she’s claiming poverty but spending money like it’s going out of fashion I wouldn’t feel as bad excluding her though because it’s her choice.

but personally if I was Sally and genuine I would cry

I wouldn’t be upset you’d gone without me. I would be upset you hid it.

I guess I was just thinking about a way to be kind to Sally - like a friend should ... There are probably less cack-handed clumsy ways of doing it (I was posting almost literally on the run!)

The way the OP & other friends have behaved is not kind.

I suspect you'd lose whatever you did, you know you didn't ask because you didn't want her to feel awkward and had good intentions so personally id let her feel how she feels and try not to feel too bad about it. I think if you hadn't initially compromised and gone somewhere you didn't want to go (the pub) then that'd be different. It does suck when you're the friend without as much money, but it is what it is, I'm sure you'll do plenty of catch ups somewhere she can go.

I think the reason she is upset is that she only found out after you’d been, not because she wasn’t included. If you’d been open about the fact that you were going to go without her because you wanted to try the restaurant and knew it wasn’t her cup of tea, she might not have minded. The way you have presented the story, it sounds like she might feel patronised that you made a show of going to her preferred place before having the actual outing that you had all wanted all along behind her back.