Really offended a friend. Would this upset you?

[Eastie77Returns]

Arranging where to go to dinner on a group chat with 3 friends and came up with a shortlist of restaurants. One friend (‘Sally’) said she could not afford any of those venues. The other 2 friends suggested some cheaper options but she said it was still too pricey as she has to factor in travel and babysitting costs for the evening. So we asked her to suggest somewhere and she came up with a pub that is honestly not somewhere I’d choose to eat (or drink for that matter) but by this time the group had been going back and forth for days so I said if everyone was in agreement we should go. We had a nice evening. The food was not very good and the pub attracts a rough crowd so not a great atmosphere but we sat in the garden and all enjoyed catching up.

My other two friends then messaged me separately and suggested that the three of go to one of the restaurants Sally had vetoed.

Can I ask if you were Sally, would you be upset or offended at this? She found out and is really hurt.

I'd invite again and say "just a heads up that we are going to Fancy restaurant on Friday. Shout if you'd like to come along"

I don't think OP is too worried about humiliating Sally, if she gets wind of this thread she'll be plenty humiliated.

Well she told us she was upset and since then hasn’t ‘spoken’ to us on the group chat (we don’t live close to each so mainly chat online), our messages to her have been unanswered. Tbh I was so baffled by the whole thing I didn’t know what to say really. She told us she didn’t want to do option A, suggested an alternative option B, we did option B and then, separately, did option A which she made very clear she wasn’t interested in.

According to the replies here, all of the upset would have been avoided if we’d just told her we were going to do option A. And I’m truly not being obtuse when I say I just don’t get it. I would never get upset or give friends the silent treatment for doing something without telling me when I’ve said I don’t want to do it.

But it’s the majority view on here so I accept I was wrong and respectfully bow out of the thread🙏🏼

I would never get upset or give friends the silent treatment for doing something without telling me when I’ve said I don’t want to do it.

But what you don’t understand (and I don’t think you ever will) is why and how all this is also about her - her feelings. It’s irrelevant what you or anyone else would do or feel in the same situation.

She’s said several times she can’t afford it so I can’t see why you’d ask her again knowing she would refuse again; what she’s upset about is that you met without her not where you all met; she’s got fomo & we’re you talking about her; next time maybe do a lunch date do you all have children? Could you all manage that if not could you all travel to her & do lunch nearer to her maybe?

I can see why Sally feels sad but at the end of the day, she can’t afford it so it’s not like you purposely went somewhere she had longed to go. I would just say sorry to Sally that she feels that way and of course she will be included in future. Don’t turn it in to a drama.

And I’m truly not being obtuse when I say I just don’t get it. I would never get upset or give friends the silent treatment for doing something without telling me when I’ve said I don’t want to do it.

You don't get it because you're completely missing the point.

Unfortunately, she needs to learn that people can't always curtail their experiences because she can't afford to take part. Shame that she's upset but it is what it is.

She needs to be reminded that you've already compromised once. Tell her she's more than welcome to join, if she can come up with the funds, but it's the place the rest of you really want to go to, so that's what you're doing. If she's still upset, not much you can do really.

Sigh. Exactly what is wrong with society. It’s no big deal - too much drama in so many people.

Well I think that is an awful thing to do. Making her say again that she can't afford to go.

So humiliating for poor Sally to force her to admit her financial state yet again

I agree - if she can’t afford what the rest of you can why cant you all sub her meal so she can afford it. How would you feel if the shoe was on the other foot?

Well, according to the OP, Sally's finances are no secret so there's no need to project with your "poor humiliated Sally" nonsense.

No different than your daft "poor, hurt Sally" silliness

Maybe because they don't want to? OP's said Sally has a nice house, they've done a lot of work on it etc so she has money but she prioritises differently. That's completely fine, but it doesn't mean her friends have a responsibility to make up the difference.

It can be done without her finances needing to come up at all though, as she's already said she doesn't fancy that particular restaurant. Letting her know the rest of them are going is common courtesy imo, though, rather than leaving her to find out via social media.

ahhh tell me you don’t live in Glasgow….

id love a bottle of wine in the park. Too bad it’s illegal up here since we can’t behave ourselves 😂

But Sally is hurt. OP says so herself. I'm not making it up or projecting unlike you.

A picnic with wine in the park. There's no need to make it sound as if they'd all be rolling around like winos.

Why should they!? OP has said that Sally prefers to put the money into her house, and did not even like the food or the restaurant they wanted to try? So why on earth should they pay for her?

I think some of you can’t read, it’s like you’ve made up a different scenario rather than what OP has described very well several times now. But maybe Sally could pay for some nice things for OP’s house then, if OP prefers to spend her money on food experiences rather than her house. That seems to be the logic.

Well, sometimes some people need to cut the drama and take responsibility for their own feelings.

It’s really weird to expect your friends to pay for your social meals out because you don’t think it’s worth spending the money.

If you'd gone and said we really want to try X place, we're going on such a date you're more than welcome but no worries if it's out of budget this time. I'd think fair enough, I might be sad but wouldn't want my finances impacting the group.

If you made a secret plan and didnt tell me and then I found out I'd be quite hurt. Not so much the meal as the secrets, id feel excluded

That’s exactly what I would’ve done 🤷‍♀️.

to be fair to Sally babysitting can double the cost of a night out..

I don't disagree, but I don't think OP cares that much about her actions having hurt Sally - this whole thread seems very disingenuous and designed to create a bitch-fest about her.

I'd be really intrigued to know how many friends some people on this thread have. 🤔