Really offended a friend. Would this upset you?

[Eastie77Returns]

Arranging where to go to dinner on a group chat with 3 friends and came up with a shortlist of restaurants. One friend (‘Sally’) said she could not afford any of those venues. The other 2 friends suggested some cheaper options but she said it was still too pricey as she has to factor in travel and babysitting costs for the evening. So we asked her to suggest somewhere and she came up with a pub that is honestly not somewhere I’d choose to eat (or drink for that matter) but by this time the group had been going back and forth for days so I said if everyone was in agreement we should go. We had a nice evening. The food was not very good and the pub attracts a rough crowd so not a great atmosphere but we sat in the garden and all enjoyed catching up.

My other two friends then messaged me separately and suggested that the three of go to one of the restaurants Sally had vetoed.

Can I ask if you were Sally, would you be upset or offended at this? She found out and is really hurt.

she's hurt because she was openly excluded.

How? She had been asked, she declined.

Sometimes I say 'no not my thing' when a friend wants to do something or go somewhere that I don't want to. I assume that if she still wants to do it, she'll go and do it on her own or with other friends. She doesn't need to tell me in advance and she hasn't 'excluded' me - it was my choice not to go.

It was two separate occasions, though.

She was asked, said no, and they all went elsewhere. They all then decided to go to anyway without even giving her the chance to accept the second time.

The polite thing to do would have at least been to mention they were going without her, not leave her to find out she was excluded via social media.

A quick message of "Hi Sally - Jane, Sue and I really fancy checking out X place - are you sure you don't want to come? We were thinking of Saturday night if you wanted to join us" wouldn't have cost a thing.

I think Sally should be invited.
you’ve already been very accommodating on the last one.
”we’re really keen to try X. Completely understand if you can’t make it but wanted to make sure we invited you”

Yes, precisely. It's not nice to just assume someone won't want to come - even if you're 99% sure they'll say no, it's decent to at least ask.

Oh dear.

When I wrote poor Sally I was pointing out my amusement towards the people on here who assume she’s very poor. I explained that she instead chooses to spend most of her money on her house rather than in restaurants.

“Are you sure you don’t want to come to the place where you think the food is shit, overpriced, ridiculous and you can’t afford? Just checking again in case you’ve changed your mind in the past two weeks because we’re all going there! And we thought we’d ask you again even though we know you’ll say no”

And that’s not rubbing her face in it? Loll.

No, it's the decent thing to do

Is she still not talking to you OP? I couldn't deal with this drama over nothing, and I'm only 30, not in my 40s.

Probably why I don't have a friendship group though, haven't since high school, just individual friends

It would have been no skin off of any of your noses, to take a few mins to give her a heads-up that you're all going there together anyway, that you understand it's not her thing at the mo so no pressure to come, and you'll see her next time. Just some fucking basic courtesy if you normally meet as a group, to avoid any potential hurt feelings. Come on.

Maybe in this case there wasn't a way to do this and not cause offense. Some people are always going to feel hard done by.

Oh give up. The friend did not want to go. End of.

Exactly - it just shows you're thinking of her and don't want to leave her out. If she then chooses not to go anyway, that's her choice, but at least she wouldn't have felt like it was all being done behind her back.

I’d be a little upset you’d gone to the effort of arranging it without me and not inviting me. I’d rather you 3 said ‘we’re trying X place on Y date, would you like to join?’ and allow
me to accept or decline.

If I then said ‘can we go here instead’ (I wouldn’t but your friend might), then I’d deserve to be told ‘no, we want to go here but understand if you can’t make it’.

Hope that makes sense

You’re responses Amon her are pretty defensive (despite starting the threads to ask for opinions) …feels to me like this is some defensive guilt coming out!

you’ve also gone from saying the restaurant was on the shortlist but Sally said it was too expensive…to that she didn’t line the look or it or any of the food etc etc. you’d maybe have had different responses if you had originally said it was the food she didn’t want to eat?

Yes exactly. If we had invited her again and she was offended the response would have been that we shouldn’t have raised the subject with her again, she had already said no, it was vile to embarrass her by asking her when we knew she couldn’t afford it and we should have just gone without mentioning it to her.

Well, obviously you wouldn’t couch it like that 🙄 and no one has suggested you should. But you’ve had multiple explanations as to why it would have been kinder to let her know, and it’s like you just don’t want to hear it, so I’m not sure why you bothered creating an AIBU?

I'm with you - it seems to be a thread created to get people to bitch about Sally.

Surely though this is a metaphor for life? I mean everyone would like a big house in the country/nice car /clothes from good shops ? Some of us can afford all 3, some only 2 or 1 and some 0. If Sally can't afford to come thats tough really.I would just say next time .Hi Sal ,going to nice Restaurant on Sat eve .Would like you to come along ,no worries if not .My friend used to come and have a drink after or just a starter /coffee sometimes .Does she expect you to go to Butlins with her instead of the Maldives ?

You know her, of course, but the assumed reaction here from Sally seems conveniently OTT to suit your own thoughtlessness and lack of empathy in this mess.

As you know Sally so well, assuming she is a friend you care about and you know is upset. Have you actually had a conversation with her about this yet or left it to stew?

To listen (which on here seems to be a weakness of yours) and try to understand where she is coming from, her concerns and taking into account her reasons explain your own side and see how you both feel about it after talking?

Not sure it is possible to "openly exclude" someone who has openly excluded themselves by saying they don't want to go

So if I decline an invite somewhere, on whatever basis, my friends should STILL invite me (causing me to have to decline AGAIN - humiliating if I have to explain yet again that I can't afford it) and/or keep shtum about it and not DARE to post a picture in case I am hurt??

Are you serious?

I've always invited people to things even when I know they can't/won't come. Such as people who live a long way away when my DC were christened. It shows that you want them there and have thought to ask them even though there is an unwritten understanding that they won't come. To not ask relegates them to second tier members of the group which is potentially hurtful. If I knew it was just about money and could afford it I'd pick up the bill without a second thought. If they had simply chosen not to come, wasn't their thing etc I'd invite anyway but accept they weren't coming and expect they would do the same.

Of course! But remember, if they are real friends... they'll pay for everything!!

I would still offer up an invite (or at least a heads up) rather than leave my friend to find out that we'd all excluded her via a social media post.